Drowning in her thoughts

A short story about the struggle of a pretend-to-be-deaf woman,with her everyday life.

"All this rain"she said"Isn’t  it raining  too much lately?”

“It doesn’t rain as often as you think.You only feel the weather when it reflects the shattered pieces inside of you.You only watch the weather-forecast on gloomy days.”He replied.

She stopped midtrack in her reading and looked up at him,a puzzled look on her face.”I’m not really good at reading between the lines,so stop beating around the bush already”

“Says the girl who’s reading an Agatha Christie’s book rightnow”He replied back sarcastically,avoiding her question.

“Never mind.Have a nice life.”She carried the pile of books in her hands and walked away.

Thirty minutes later,she arrived at the bus stop.She was breathing heavily,and droplets of sweat were already forming on her head front.Her doctor had clearly told her not to walk long distances,and to avoid going out alone as much as possible.She could pass out at any moment.

.But she couldn’t stop herself from doing so,going to the library five days a week was a must.But lately she would avoid going as much;Since last week,there was this strange guy who would talk to her,everytime he finds the chance to,he wasn’t dangerous or any of the sort.At first,she assumed him to be a stalker,but through their previous short conversations,she was proven wrong.

He was a very well educated man,in his mid-twenties  who dropped out of medical college  during his fifth year due to some reasons that he prefers to keep away from her.He spends most of his time at the library and loves to eat “Kartoffelpuffer”. A german dish that she just had discovered thanks to him.

Her informations about him stops up to here.But despite all of that,she wouldn’t really feel comfortable around him.She never feels comfortable with anyone.After three years of living alone,she got used to it and without even realizing it she built an invisible wall between her and the others.She finds humans incredibly annoying in every possible aspect.Their mere company makes her cringe,often when someone would talk to her,in the library,the coffee shop she works at,the bus or the bus-stop,(since these four  were the only places she goes to) she just ignores them,reminding herself that she’s deaf to human voices.

For whole three years,she pretended to live as a deaf person,which,according to her,is the safest way to continue living.She wouldn’t mind pretending to be mute as well,but that latter was harder.

The fact that this guy could see right through her was the other reason why she’d always avoid him.What’s even more bothersome,is that during their brief conversations,he would always voice outloud  the things she keeps stored up in her mind.As if, not only is he able to figure her out,but also, reach the deepest and darkest corners of her hurricane-like mind.And this surely scares the hell out of her.

Before ever knowing it,she was at her house’s front door.It was a nice and cute cottage that her step-dad bought when her family used to spend  most of the summer,here, at Nashville.She decided to stop her mind-wandering right there,and rather think about what to cook.She didn’t feel hungry,she never does anyways.She only eats as a matter of survival,and that survival itself wasn’t even for her,but for her step-dad’s sake.It’s not like she is that fond of living,but she knows that her death would be the worst thing that can ever occur in his life.

While she was waiting for the water to boil,her phone rang.

“Hey dad!”

“Honeybee how have you been?”

“Pretty well,what about you?”

“Stop lying,that’s what you always say,that’s what you said the night before your last suicide attempt.”

“Brandon,I’m really okey.There’s nothing you need to worry about,okey?By the way how’s Trayvon?Last time I called, you said he would be released from jail next Monday.Is he home now?”

“Yes he is.Don’t worry about your brother,he’s a tough guy, you know that better than anyone,he recovered from the shock a long time ago. The only one that we should worry about here,Is you.”

“Dad,I should go,my dinner is about to set the house on fire”

“Don’t forget to call the firefighters before running out of the house.Take care of yourself and don’t forget to spend some time with your friends.The thought of you,being always alone,makes it impossible for me to sleep peacefully.”

 This was the reason why she’s keeping herself alive.How could she destroy the life of her step dad in that selfish way.

She chewed fiercely on the almost burnt steak,wondering  to herself when was the last time she ate something delicious.Her cooking skills lacked a lot,her mother used to always complain on how her daughter would end up as a single old lady,because of her cooking.

 

For the next three hours,she was drinking coffee after coffee without sparing a minute to lift her head from the computer’s screen .She had already written 295 pages within two weeks,and in order to accomplish such a thing,she had to stay up every night until four or five in the morning,only to wake up at nine o’clock to go work at the neighborhood ‘s coffee shop “PURPLE COFFEE”.After finishing her shift  at 4o’clock,she’d either go the library or the park.that was her everyday life for three years now.

Sometimes,the evening, after coming home,she’ll have to write some articles for the newspaper.Even though her step-dad sends her a fair amount of money every month,she  prefers to earn it by her own means.

   

 

 

It has been two weeks,since her last encounter with the psycho guy,and during that time,she felt as  a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders.She can come to the library without worrying about someone striking a conversation with her.

Just as she opened her book,wondering whether to read the preface or jump directly to the first chapter,a voice from behind almost made her fall of  her chair “ So,is it still raining?”

 

She couldn’t help but turn around to confirm the reality of  the worst of her expectations.

“Long time no see.”He pulled a chair next to her,and flashed her a heart-warming grin.

But she found nothing heart-warming about that.

All she wanted at that moment was to go home.

“I already discovered your secret about not being deaf,you don’t have to pretend In front of me.Did you possibly forget?”

She kept her eyes on the book, refusing to acknowledge his presence.Maybe that way he would get bored and leave her alone this time.

“I asked,if it is still raining?Do you still complain about how dark the clouds are?Do you still check the weather forecast on gloomy days ?”

Dumbfounded by his questions,she lifted her eyes to him.”What are you talking about?”

“Don’t you remember?Our conversation of last time”

Feigning ignorance,she packed her books and walked away.

She let out a sigh of relief that soon turned into a loud gasp,when he suddenly appeared right next to her.

“I just wanted to tell you not to plant bad days”he said”And don’t water them with your negative thoughts,they grow into week,weeks into months,before you even know it you got yourself a bad year.”

If it was anyone else,they would’ve thought that this guy was a nutcase,but not her,she knew what he was referring to.Of course,he was the psycho who could see right through her.

Giving up on the attempt of running away from him.She replied”But what if,these bad days were already planted before I was even born?And what if I’m not the one watering them?”

Her question  wasn’t unexpected of course,but it surprised him nonetheless.

“Then,you’ll have to make sure not to let those bad days grow.With every possible mean,you should stop them from growing.”

“Are you a writer?”She suudenly inquired.

“No,I’m not.Why do you ask?”he replied.

“You have the soul of one anyway.”She pointed out,as they left the library. She is probably heading to the park near,he thought to himself.

“You don’t speak like the others,you know.Writers have their own language.”

“But I’m not a writer”He said in protest,the tone of his voice rising.

“Does it offend you that much?That I mistook you for a writer?”She asked him curiously.

He ignored her,and sat on the nearest bench.

“Can I ask you something else?”

He nodded.

“Why do you talk with me?”

Startled,he drifted his gaze to the grass.What was the reason?

“Do you think that I get to meet a woman who’s pretending to be deaf,everyday?That was enough of a reason for me to want to know you better.I believe that every person before me is a person,but they’re a world before that.We are all time bombs and angels,poisons and antidotes,question marks and commas,and it suits me just fine.But then I found out about you,who was an outstanding world,a much more complicated thing than those paradoxes.You seem to be full of twells,winding dark places,and caverns,impossible to know the places inside of you…”

This guy surely knows how to speak in a beautiful way.Not in the common way,other people do.

Of course any guy knows how to speak beautiful words that can make a girl’s heart race like no tomorrow.But his words were beautiful in a way that can stop  your wounds from bleeding,in a way that can temporarily relieve the pain.

-“Are you even listening?”he asked exasperatedly ,snapping her out of her trance.

-“Are you sure,you’re not a writer?”She inquired again. She was too flabbergasted to think straight.

He ignored her.”It’s my turn to ask questions now.Why are you pretending to be deaf?”

-“To avoid communicating with people,isn’t that obvious?”

-“But to this  extent?”

-“Yes,I loathe people more than you can imagine.”

-“And yet you’re still here  asking questions and answering some!”

-“I already told you before:You’re like a writer.Just like I don’t avoid reading,I don’t run away from writers.”

-“But why do you hate people?”

-“They are cruel,selfish things,that would be standing three feet away and yelling at you to swim,while you are actually drowning.Who  would love such things?And what scares me even more about them,is that no amount of fire and freshness,can challenge what a man can store up in his ghostly head.Frightning isn’t it?”

Her words were so harsh,and her tongue was like a nightmare,overflowing with negativity that cut like a blade.

“I guess,there’s no use in trying to convince you otherwise?”He asked.

And  for the first time since he first saw her,a shadow of a shy smile made his way to her pale lips.”No there isn’t.”

They stayed quiet for sometime before he asked again:” But don’t you feel lonely?”

“I do,sometimes.And other times,I feel crowded by my own presence and deafened by the silence.But that’s okey since,most of the times,I feel nothing.”

“And what is nothing?”

“It’s like drowning in the ocean,like being sucked into a black hole with no hope of ever getting back out.But I’m just fine with it,with the numbness the  loneliness and the depression.i never wish to be happy,because next to the highest peak of happiness,there’s  the deepest gap of pain.Sometimes I tell myself to get a grip and get out of this state I’m in,but then I remember that it’ll be of no use.

Have you ever had so much to say that your mouth closed up tight,struggling to harness the nuclear force coalescing within your words,have you ever had  so many thoughts churning inside you that you didn’t dare let them escape in case they blew you wide open ?

That’s how I feel.”

 

 

Reviews

[Amanda Dawn Sanderson-G..]

I stopped reading after the first paragraph or so because I just couldn't get into the story. I didn't know who "she" was or whom she was talking to or who she was talking about. The first time you start to describe anyone from the story, the descriptions aren't imaginative or believable. First you say that he was none of the sort after referring to him as "scary" or "shady" and right after saying he wasn't either, you say he came off to this girl as a stalker. I'd have preferred you starting out describing him with the fear she had first and the continuing with a flashback as to why he isn't. Your dialogue and descriptive words and analogies are quite nice. The flow just doesn't work for me.