Confessions of a Mad Poet

The time has come for our hero to recall a past he once vowed to forget....

       My love,

        many years have passed since the day I turned my back to civilization. During the time of my voluntary exile, I have never allowed the memories of the day we met - and the days that followed thereafter - to emerge at the forefront of my mind. Thus, to keep those recollections dormant, I chose to live in a vacuum, focusing only on what mattered in the moment. Survival became my sole concern, and after a while even my identity began to lose shape. Without realizing it, I transformed into a vague caricature of the man I used to be.

         Nevertheless, on the night of my departure from our town and before making the final gesture of burning all my belongings, I grabbed two items that intuition told me I would need the most: a pen and a bundle of papers. Now, after all these years, the time has come to recall all the memories I once vowed to forget and put the pen and paper to use. Through the words inscribed on this paper, I wish to give you the full account of the events that led to my sudden disappearance, in hopes that you may find it in your heart to forgive me for what seemed like an act of abandonment.

         When I first looked into your lucid blue eyes, my soul transcended the boundaries separating reality from imagination. Through your eyes I caught glimpses of a world with its own brand of beauty, one that differed from the ordinary beauties found in nature. The beauty of the land you introduced me to, albeit foreign to the senses of smell and touch, was wrapped in a feeling of euphoria born out of the unknown, and I now confess that at the time, this feeling had seized every ounce of my soul and body.

          For many days that followed, I came to the same spot in Town Square just to look at you, and every day you stood at your little shop, haggling with townsfolk over the price of your exotic birds. A few times your eyes glanced over me, and once, you even fixated your gaze upon my face. This fortunate turn of events brought a sense of relief and satisfaction. I felt a strong connection forming between us, and the corners of my lips curled into a smile. That day, I walked away from my usual spot with my head held high, overwhelmed by visions of a future that I would spend with you. After all, you had finally acknowledged my presence.

         The next day you did not come to your shop until noon. This irritated me at first, and I felt that you were taking advantage of my selfless love. Yet when you emerged from the street corner and walked to your shop with graceful strides, I at once forgave your act of negligence. To my surprise, however, soon after you took your post behind the counter, a man about the same height as me appeared from the street corner. You ran out of your shop and wrapped your arms around his neck, gently caressing his lower lip with the tip of your nose. Then you held each other in a tender embrace until the man pushed you away and disappeared from sight. You stood motionless for what seemed like an eternity and let out a deep sigh. When I stared into your eyes at that moment, I saw sadness mixed with bewilderment. I became certain of the fact that while that man was forcing himself on you, you had chosen to remain silent about the whole matter. You were scared of what he would do if you deprived him of what he thought was rightfully his. Therefore, after you slowly walked to your shop with a bittersweet smile (a convincing smile to reinforce the illusion that you were in love with the man), I spun around and headed back to my house with furious strides. I did not know who he was, but I knew that I could not let this man torment you any longer. I needed to come to your aid as soon as possible.

         But doing so proved to be a much more difficult task than I had previously imagined. For the next few days, I became engulfed in a haze of confusing thoughts. With the stench of alcohol and opium lingering on my breath, I followed you and him through the streets of our town, but even that proved to be a fruitless venture; the man made a show of treating you well in public, but I knew of the ghastly beast that laid within him, of his inner monsters that unleashed their wrath only upon you, and the demons that only showed their true self when no one else was around. I was sure of this man's sickness, yet I could not forge a sensible plan to release you from his claws. The solution would not present itself to me until sometime later, when I stumbled across the devil himself sitting in a deserted café.

         Up until that point, I had only seen him by your side, but this time he possessed a solitary posture and sipped on a warm drink whilst reading the morning paper. The man looked quiet sad and pathetic when you were not there. I came very close to approaching him, but when I looked more carefully at his visage, I felt as if I was staring into a mirror. The man’s face bore an unmistakable resemblance to mine, and only minor differences such as hair color distinguished us from one another. At first, the thought that I had gone insane briefly crossed my mind; it was impossible for this man - this wretched torturer of your pure soul - to look like me, but no matter how long I stared, his appearance refused to change.

Then, an idea pierced my mind like a fiery arrow, illuminating the solution to the problem at hand. I knew exactly what had to be done, and I was determined to do it.

 As I now put these memories into words for no one else but my own shadow to read, I begin to question the actions that led me here, but logic still eludes me when I think about the imperative decision I made on that fateful day. Maybe I made that choice because I wished for no other man to possess the key to your heart, or maybe I wanted to pursue a noble cause and save you from yourself. Regardless of the reasons, what followed after I carried out my plan forced me to isolate myself from the rest of society. I took residence inside this wretched cave, where my only companions are my own shadow and your severed head illuminated in the candlelight.

            My love, I never meant to leave you without saying goodbye, but you needed to be saved. I could not stand watching you suffer in the claws of that beast who called himself a man. You disguised your fear and disdain behind an innocent smile, but I had looked deeper into your eyes, I was the only soul who knew the truth. Thus, as a man who has lived all his life governed by the impulses of the heart, I went to extreme measures when I came to your aid. Do not be scornful my dear; by getting rid of your physical presence, the purity of our love has been preserved from the grasp of other men, and although I do not regret the choices that have forged this destiny, the time has come for me to carve out my own heart. I long to escape this sanctuary of boredom, and once I accomplish this final task, I will transcend into the heavens where you now live.

        This time, no man will force himself upon you, and I will stand by your side for all eternity. Your free soul will belong only to me, and your pure heart will remain forever intact. I will be the sole possessor of the key to all the secrets of your being. Ah, even the thought of such a wonderful future brings a smile to my face!