The memory that is killing me

        

Living in jail had almost ten years, tonight the moon light projected into my room. The room was so dim, cold and quiet. Every time when I looked up the sky, the moon made me think of the word, “reunion”. I know the meaning of reunion but I do not understand as I have never experienced it. Therefore, I hated the word, reunion. In the past ten years, no one knew where I was ,nor did they care about where I was and how was my life because I was sent here by them. I trusted them but they betrayed me. Ten years have passed, I have been not seeing them since I was arrested. That night, the night I was arrested, the moon looked as beautiful as it now, and suddenly, something came into my mind. It was my memories.

I asked myself what it was. What is it? I was not sure but I knew sadness and painfulness came.

Something, something, I was very familiar with but I did not want to remember. I tried to stop my thoughts, I tried to distract myself, with things like running back and forth in my cell. I jumped in order to stop it, singing , shouting for help , “ Please help me ! I need to talk! I need to talk!I need to stop my memories come ! Please! Help! “But no respond and then I tried to tidy up my room for help. “Tidy up my room, tidy up, tidy up”.I said to myself. As there was overly quiet, I had to make some noise to stop it come to my mind. I had to stop it, I had to stop, made some noise, made myself busy, and made some noise. I had to stop it otherwise it would weight down me. But I could not. I  forced myself to stop it. However, the harder I tried to stop it, the harder it was to breathe. I knew that moment come again. I needed some noise but there was too quite.

Finally, the memories came.

Every time, when the memories came, it would last for more than four hours. During that moment, I could not breathe, I sat at the corner and I put my head in my both hands. My body, hands and foot were shaking. I felt my fear was eating me. My heart was beating like a drum. I felt fear and cried very loudly hoping that people could give some medicine for me to get over that moment when my memories came at once. However, there was no any medicine could help, the only medicine was, myself. I had to come up with a solution to fix my emotional problems and negative thinking. I needed to make myself busy, I needed to make some noise to distract my attention  to stop the memories come. But I did not have enough energy to fight with it and finally I fell into that memories . I could not stop my memories come. It won again.

“No! No! Calm down, Calm down! Peaceful! “I said to myself with my head in my hand. My leg and arm were heavy and cool. “Stop!-Stop! -Stop!” But the memories finally came to my mind, the police, the schoolbag ,Mother and Dad. They all came in a minute. I had no choice but entered that memories  , suffering the depression again. I knew this was a vicious cycle, bad memories always stayed in mind, having negative thinking pattern and suffer from depression. Sadly, unluckily, there was no way out because no one understood me and I did not know how to express my feelings with words to release stress and sadness. See! How could I seek help from others. People though that I was mad. But I was not. I did not know to describe my feelings and to tell what had happened in my past. I wanna say it but how? BUT HOW? I did want someone can help me scream it out so that I could relieve.

Memories came, I saw the police, the school bag, my mum and dad having an argument and the moon. All of a sudden,I heard a woman's voice whispering, "weak up, you were late to school." Her voice was so familiars with. Who was she ? Um… Finally, I knew. This was my mother and I knew my memories came, I saw myself talk to her.

"Yes Mamma. Are you okay mamma you look like very tried?”I said.

“Yes, Mamma feels tired working at midnight but now I am full of energy after seeing my little boy."Mother said.

" Mamma I know you work so hard .One day we will leave here. It is so terrible to living here with Dad, I wish I can grow up faster so that I can get a job and earn money to run away and start a new life somewhere with you.”I said.

"Don't worry. Mamma knows you are a good boy. I got a job now selling a medicine in pharmacy, one day we will leave this house  very soon.”said Mother with a smiley face.

“Mamma,I know the day come very soon."I said.

"So, get up and go to school now otherwise you are late."said Mother.

"Yes, Mamma.''I said.

''Mamma, when I am not home, be careful. I will be back as soon as possible I will protect you, don't be afraid of the dark and Dad .''I said when I was ready to leave home .

''Go to school now."Mother said. And she kissed me.

Cold wind flew through my body, my fingers were frozen, I could not move, my blood was dancing in  vessel, I felt hot ,really hot because I could feel the impending danger from my memory as I could barely  handle it. Body reaction gave me a hint that another memories came again. I could not breathe , my blood was dancing in my vessel , I was trembling with fear. My fingers could not move , they were all frozen.

What's wrong ? It was hard to think of … I felt it … I sensed it … I did not know what was it? What was it? - Ah! I know " a word, ha! Ha ! Ha!  " a word, was a word. Schoolbag, schoolbag. A school bag. Why did I come up with this word,  a schoolbag ? Ah! Maybe it was a message that was sent by God. He ordered my brain to send the message to me. He wanted me to find my schoolbag. As my mamma left a letter in the schoolbag before she ran away with Dad. I needed to stand up from the floor. The schoolbag must be nearby. I had to find it out. Let me see. Was it under the table? No. Was it under my bed? No. The chair? No ! No! No! Schoolbag! Ar ! the schoolbag!  I needed to find out my schoolbag! Where? Where are you? Mamma might leave a letter in the schoolbag before she ran away  with my evil dad. Where was it? All of a sudden, a man’s voice whispering in my ears when I was searching for my schoolbag, and I knew that he was my dad.

“I beg you, please leave me alone. Let me go!Please, let me go. I-BEGGED YOU, LEAVE ME ALONE! I did not wanna listen to you cause you were so terrible.” I said to myself.

"Can you count how much money you can earn for that business? Do you know we need money? Do you know?” said Dad angrily.

“Yes,I know this kind of “business can earn a lot but I do not want to do this again. My son will feel disappointed with me after knowing the truth.” said Mamma.

“If you don't wanna do this, then your son gonna help you!” said Dad loudly with his big eyes.

“ Don't even think of that!  He knows nothing about the my job. I told him that I sell medicine in a shop. How can I let him know about my real job? How can I ask my son to commit crime and to get into trouble? I cannot do that . Anyway, I do not want to run the “business” again said Mother with a sad voice.

I remembered that I did not understand what they were talking about. When I saw my dad hit my mother, I tried my best to protect her when they were arguing with each other. “Don't hit my mamma,she is my mamma. My mamma does not make mistakes. Stop it right now. Stop.” I saw I was standing in front and trying to protect Mamma.

“How dare you say something like that to your father!”said Dad with terrible eyes.

Finally, I knew that what business Dad and Mother ran when I was arrested.

Why did you do this to me Mamma? Do you remember that you say you love me and we will run away together one day. But, why did you leave me alone in this very dark, quiet and cool detention center. Why did you choose to run away with Dad?  Finally, I knwe the reason why you did not want to show me my ‘birthday present’ as it was a present to ruin my whole life.

“Mamma, do you remember my birthday is coming?” I asked with a happy face.

“Of cause, my lovely son.”said my mother with a warm slimy face.

“Mamma, you are hiding something, what is that?” I asked.

“Nothing son, go to bed and sleep,”

“Mamma, no, I want to know, I need to know. You are hiding something; it must be my birthday present. Let me have a look.”I said excitedly.

“A schoolbag for your birthday present!” said Mamma. 

“WA, it is so new and beautiful. I love you mamma.” I said.

“Son, tomorrow Mamma need your help. You need to go to the old red break hose in the forest  with your new schoolbag. Don’t worry. Mamma will follow you behind. When you arrive in the house, you will see a man with white hair then you tell him that the “business” is inside the schoolbag. He will know what to do next. Understood?”

“But, why do I need to do so?” I asked. 

“Just do it son.” said Mamma. 

“But, Mamma, I need to go to school tomorrow.” I said. 

“I SAY JUST DO IT !” said Mamma. 

On that day, I followed my mamma's order to give so-call the  “business” to the man. When the white hair man gave money to me,the police came out suddenly with the guns pointing at us. Then the man and I were arrested. I could not forget that I cried out three time at that moment.“ Mamma!  Mamma!  Help!Where are you ?” But no respond .

Since then, I have not seen her and Dad.

Of cause, I knew the resaon why Mamma wanted hide the bag.    

 The day, Friday, on my birthday, I was arrested for selling drugs and I don't know why you do this to me. Mamma and Dad left, no one know where they are. No reason why they left, no news about them, no letter and no schoolbag. I know nothing about them... But,I want my mamma know  four things...

I want to see you mamma even you abounded me.

I want to see you because I miss you.

I want to see you because I love you.

I want to see you because you are my mamma forever and ever.

My body release..

Too tired.

I need to sleep.

Tomorrow, memories come again.

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems, what do you think of the dialogue, plot and characters ?

Reviews

[richieb]

Maggie,
You have a unique style in telling your story. You put a lot of emotion into your work. I think if you can dress it up with more description it will help the reader to use their imagination as your story moves along. Your plot was fine and as i said alittle more imagery to dress up the dialogue and characters.
Peace and Prayers
Richie b.

[Diamond]

This is so deeply touching. I loved the theme. The school bag search appeared a little long. And some spelling checks. Grammar, you asked to ignore anyway and I understand. The story sure is beautiful.

[Maggie Mak]

Thanks for your reading and I will work hard on the grammar and spelling.

[Peter O'Brien]

Grammar is one of the most important things that makes the story, if your grammar of your story is not good, I will lose interest in reading the story.

[Maggie Mak]

Did you think the language is bad in this story?

[Peter O'Brien]

The language stop me from reading the story.

[Maggie Mak]

I will try to improve my language skills