The Introduction: The beginning

I feel like this is more of an introduction, rather than a chapter, but that's beside the point. Enjoy!

Take it from me, I'm just a teen trying to get through her high school years. But I'm not going to lie to you, it's hard. It's harder when you realize you have a mental illness. One in every four to five teens will suffer from a mental illness in their life. But in their teens, a 2010 report showed that 49.5% of teens suffer from a mental illness. These include mood disorders, anxiety disorders, behavior disorders, and substance abuse disorders. Out of the 49.5%, I fall into 31.9% of these teens. All of whom suffer from some type of anxiety disorders. I am not alone in my mental illness, but I feel alone. I have told a total of two people, my sister, and my best friend Katelyn, but now I'm telling you.

My first anxiety attack happened in language arts. We didn't have to give a report to the class or anything of that sort, we were just sitting doing busy work. Then BAM! I started coughing for no reason, I first mistook it for an asthma attack. I excused myself to the hallway and took two puffs on my prescription inhaler. I came in about five minutes later, I was jittery and confused why I had a random asthma attack in language arts. The albuterol in my inhaler makes me very shaky and jittery, so as I sit in language arts after I had taken two puffs of my inhaler, I couldn't write. We were supposed to be writing an essay but I physically couldn't, which only made me angry. Not to mention the guy I liked was in that class and had to see me have a random asthma attack. Embarrassing.

The second one happened in language arts again. Our seats had changed and one of my friends now sat behind me. I turned around to face her and straight out told her. "Abby, I think I'm having an asthma attack." She looked at me, worry in her eyes and then told me to take my inhaler. Simple answer, but not easy. This would mean taking my inhaler in front of the guy I liked and what would he think of me? I later realized that that was my anxiety talking. I don't think anyone would judge if someone was having an asthma attack and had to take two puffs of their inhaler. But to me, taking two puffs of my inhaler in front of a guy I had talked to twice was pure social torture. I finally gave in and took my inhaler because sitting in your seat and coughing like an idiot probably looks worse than taking your inhaler.

The third one happened in choir class. I hadn't started coughing, but I could feel my chest tightening and other symptoms coming to the surface, so I politely excused myself to the bathroom and took my inhaler. I didn't really put two and two together until I remembered a conversation I had with Katelyn at the beginning of the year. It had been after one of my friends, Zach, had made me seem like a complete idiot.

I found out that my crush and I had the same lunch on B days. Amazing! Not to mention he sat two tables to my left, what girl wouldn't want that? Katelyn got me to spill the beans about who it was and somehow, Zach found out. He then started talking loudly asking if it was this or that guy even though he already knew. He then loudly proclaimed, "IS IT THE GUY WITH THE BLOND HAIR AND RED SHIRT?!?!" Yeah, I know, why am I friends with him? It might be nice to add, that no it was not the guy with blond hair and a red shirt, and Zach knew that. And when I turned to see who he was talking about, the guy turned to me, smile and WAVED!! So embarrassing. That's when I told Zach to shut up and I left. Katelyn followed me outside where I broke down. She told me it wasn't that bad which then I told her it was terrible! She let me talk some more before she said anything.

The first thing she asked me was, "What makes you happy?" To which I responded that I truly did not know. She asked me if I was okay, and I said no. She then said, "I had been in your position as well, you're not okay right now, but you will be." She paused then continued, "Mady this is the anxiety talking, I think you should probably get some help. I promise you that it's nothing to be ashamed of, I have anxiety and you need help. Mady, it helps." And then I broke down some more. I didn't want to have anxiety. I didn't want anything to be wrong with me. 

It was later that I realized that what I had thought were asthma attacks were actually anxiety attacks. At this point, I was on medication that would prevent my asthma attacks. The doctor said that my asthma was probably acting up because of the weather changing from fall to winter. That didn't make any sense to me because my asthma is caused by physical activity. So I had looked into it and found out that I had anxiety. I researched anxiety attacks and realized, that no, I hadn't had asthma attacks, they were anxiety attacks which I was able to "get rid of" with my inhaler. But I couldn't tell my mom. No way. I only told my sister because she was bugging me about not wanting to socialize with anyone from my new neighborhood. I tried explaining that they wouldn't talk to me so why should I talk to them and she tried to use the, "well you don't talk to them so they don't talk to you" trick. And that was when I spilled the beans.

"Well you don't have anxiety so when you try to them you don't get light headed, sick in the stomach and it doesn't get hard to breathe for you." She stared at me stunned then quietly whispered back.

"You have anxiety?" I looked away and shook my head. She then enveloped me in a hug. Suddenly she understood EVERYTHING! It was like a whole different sister if I'm being honest. 

That was how both Katelyn and my sister found out about my anxiety. Which means I am not truly alone in my journey. But my sister is a senior and will be going to college soon. Leaving me with one person who understands what I'm going through. But now I'm sharing it with you in hopes that you will understand and learn from my experiences. 

Author's Note

This is very hard for me to publish because now people know about my anxiety. I just hope you guys can all understand.

Reviews

[emipoemi]

Mady....., if I may call you such, you are not alone. It's hard, and you know it to be true: you are not alone. I too suffer from mental illness. I'm ocidiatic, and though it shames me a bit, because it's not fun having it, the fact that I know I'm not alone; the fact that I can talk about it with people I trust, it makes me happy, and unashamed that I suffer from it. We're all here for you (at least the true friends are), and I can only say I wish my brother (who's younger, not older) can understand me as much as your sister understands you. Heck, my brother won't do much for me on his own volition. He can only act when he has to. So, don't sweat it. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here, and I guarantee that your other friends on here would say the same. Suerte, EDP