The Train

Saying goodbye is never easy.

The girl held her breath. When she finally let it go, it came out in icy tentacles, twisting around each other and then out into the great unknown. She stifled a sob as she heard the first "All aboard!" Turning away from the big looming train in front of her, she faced her family. Her little brother's sandy hair turned upward until she saw his emerald green eyes glistening with tears. She quickly dropped to her knees and enveloped him in a bear hug. "Don't worry Squirt! I'll be back before you know it." She wiped a tear from his cold face and gave him a soft smile.

"Promise you won't forget me?" His voice came out softer than a whisper. He gulped and stared into her eyes, pleading with his eyes for her to stay. Her breath caught in her throat as she looked up at her parents then back to her brother's tear-streaked face.

"Promise." A tear slid down her face and it was his turn to wipe it away. His small fingers stayed on her cheek, then moved to her shoulder to give her one last hug. They squeezed each other tight until she pulled away and planted a soft kiss on his cheek. "Don't be too much trouble, I love you." Tears were streaming down their faces and she pulled up to say goodbye to her parents. As she turned to her father she heard a small voice whisper back, "I love you too." 

Her father was a tall man, he had dark brown hair that was graying slightly at his temples. His strong jaw quivered as she stared into his auburn eyes. His icy breath stung the tears falling freely from her face. He looked into her caramel eyes, memorizing the way the light reflected off the glassy surface. He's was at a loss for words, but so was she. She pulled him into a tight hug and whispered into his ear. "I love you so much, Dad. You have been the best role model in my life and you've made this whole opportunity available for me. You put in extra work hours and extra projects outside of work. I can't explain how much that meant to me, still means to me. I love you so much."

She pulled back, a smile hinted at her lips as her father cried, actually cried. "You will always be my favorite daughter." He said, amusement in his eyes.

"Dad!" She huffed. "I'm literally your only daughter!" She laughed and was surprised when her dad chuckled. They were interrupted by the second "All aboard!" She brought him into another hug and pulled back to face her mom. 

"Mom..."

"Don't." Her mother said. Her icy breath clawing at her daughter's heart. "I can't stand to lose you." They sat there looking at each other. Her mother looking at mature young women, boarding a train to a new world. Light brown hair cut just below her shoulders, waved in the cold breeze that blew. She was taller than her mother, obviously inherited from her father. Freckles were splashed on her nose and cheeks, and high cheekbones made her have a strange level of authority over others. Meanwhile, her daughter was looking at her mother's gray hair. Originally blonde, it became gray over raising two children. Her wrinkles were prominent around her mouth, probably because she was never seen without a smile on her face. Her forest green eyes were glazed and focused on something on her daughters face. She also had a smattering of freckles on her face.

After what seemed like years their eyes met. The tears came without warning. They pulled each other into a tight hug and cried. "Don't leave please." her mother stuttered, hiccuping on her own breath then relapsing into a new wave of tears. Her daughter hugged her tighter.

Slowly she pulled away and put her forehead on her mothers. "I have to, my future..." She looked back at the train, which in turn sounded the final "All aboard!"

"I know, your future is out there, and I can't keep you from it." She kissed her daughter's nose then pulled back. "Go."

With a renewed sense of purpose, she picked up her luggage and turned to the train. Pulling a bright white ticket out of her dark gray petticoat. A one-way ticket to her new world. She looked back at her family, clutched against each other to keep warm as tears froze on their way down their cheeks. Leaving an imprint of a girl they may never see again. She smiled at them and turned to the conductor. "I'm ready, my future awaits."

"Good luck Miss." The conductor said giving her a tight smile. And with that, she stepped onto the train, wiped away her tears, and focused her eyes on the future.

Author's Note

Ignore the grammar, but feel free to help me with it cause I know I made a lot of mistakes. But I really hope you enjoy this, I wanted to write something, so I came up with this.

Reviews

[emipoemi]

You have a great knack for storytelling. This has the right amount of detail to keep the reader puzzling over what is her future, where is she going, why is she leaving her family. Very good maneuvering. My only critique is that the "eyes" and "frozen tears" are mentioned constantly throughout this little tale, but are not given the power of being a motif....I can tell they're supposed to be motifs of the story, but what you haven't given them is that status in the actual narration of the story. What makes the "eyes" so special that the word must be heavily used? What makes the "frozen tears" so special that they too must be heavily used? Without giving the power and essence to your world and writing, every word becomes worthless, banal....just some ordinary word with an ordinary meaning. Which is definitely not what any writer wants. This is otherwise beyond words: the emotion, the ornate description, brava! Well done!

p.s. of course there's the grammatical mistakes, but you had asked to ignore that......

[Madilyn]

Okay, I took into account what you said. And I realized that woah I totally didn't even think of putting it as a motif. So I added a line to the end, does the new ending work. If not I'm not sure how to tie it in as a motif. I was aiming for (in the new ending) That the tears are her past and she wipes them away and her eyes are the future. So she wipes away her past and focuses on the future. I'm not sure if I get that point across.

Oh, and my grammar, I know it's bad. Any major things I need to fix?

p.s. I absolutely love getting these reviews from you. You know what you're doing and you help me to get my point across more effectively and it really helps. So, thank you.

[emipoemi]

Having skimmed through it again, I can't particularly find any specific grammar mistakes (except the alternations between present and past....you're either in the present or in the past, you can't be in both). What you really need to work on is seamless flow. You repeat certain words that don't need to be repeated (apart from the eyes and tears, which I'll get to in a moment). If a word appears in too close proximity to its first mention, it kind of not only undermines the first mention, but also undermines the power of the story, and its flow. So just be careful with unnecessary repetitions. Two prime examples are these lines: "The girl held her breath. When she finally let it out, her breath....." you already set the scene of her holding her breath, so the repetition of "breath" is unnecessary. We already know that air is going to be released. What you could instead do, is jump right to the frozen tentacles. Something like this: "When she finally let it out, frozen tentacles streamed out, twisting around each other before disappearing into the great unknown." The other example is: "Tears were streaming down their faces as she pulled up to say goodbye to her parents. As she turned to her father she heard a small voice whisper back, "I love you too." Here, it's the two "as" that's the problem. The first should be an "and", and both sentences should be merged, something like this: "Tears streamed down their faces, and she pulled up......., as the small voice whispered back "I love you, too". So when you go over this again, be careful with those kind of repetitions, and when two sentences can be merged due to simultaneous action, merge them. It makes the flow much more powerful. Pick your pauses wisely. (If you have any more questions, you could PM me with them, and I'll gladly assist you).

Now, a motif is something that should be introduced at the beginning, and then gradually added onto as the story progresses, and then give that shining but not particularly apparent reveal at the end (it's always nice to make readers think and interpret things as they may). So have a think about what the eyes and frozen tears mean to these characters, and to you, and then with every encounter (Brother- Father- Mother) something is added to the overall meaning of these two important factors. Think about that as you edit this some more.

Writing these reviews is merely a pleasure. I'm glad you appreciate it. After about a decade in the field, and having learned all I know from my own mentor, it's nice to be able to pass on that knowledge onto others. :)