Crushed

I wrote this when one of my friends made it very obvious that I liked this guy I had talked to about three times. I now realize that I might have anxiety/depression and that seems to have fueled this.

All I feel is broken hope,

No promise of tomorrow.

Too many things I cannot cope,

My head is filled with sorrow.

The world used to seem so bright,

A never-ending dawn.

Now the world is black as night,

The joy of life is gone.

A shadow has encircled me,

my doubt begins to grow.

Can someone please set me free,

I cannot face this foe.

Inside my shell is only pain,

I'm crying out for help.

The screams rack inside my brain,

But never to be felt.

Author's Note

Help and Felt don't really rhyme, but I can't find anything to rhyme with help. Is there a way I can mix those around or change the words so that it fits better?

Reviews

[emipoemi]

"Help" and "Felt" work as rhymes if you make everything else around it sound good. For poetry is not primarily about making things rhyme, it's about creating music with words; making them dance across the page to paint a picture in the mind's eye. The rhymes are bonus. And the "help" and "felt" rhyme is the least of your problems. For starters, though, this is absolutely a grand start. It has power, it has profundity, but where it falls flat (only in a few places) is musicality(/rhythm). Given your rhythm is rather strict, every odd and even line respectively should sound alike (8-6-8-6). The "hope" and "cope" rhyme doesn't work on a grammatical technicality concerning "cope" (the line requires a "with" after "cope" to make sense, unless you rework the line to say "too many [insert bane or pain or burden], I cannot cope"). Other than that and the "help" and "felt" rhyme, (which can be fixed by merely figuring out what you really want to say. For normally things are not working out to your advantage because you're trying too hard.....let the poem speak to you; let it guide you)....so apart from all that, this is moving. Really it is. Well done.

p.s. we all have anxieties and/or depression. You're not alone.

[Madilyn]

So right now my rhythm, (in syllables because that's how I count it) is, (7-7-8-7) (7-6-7-6) (8-6-7-6) (8-6-7-6)

[emipoemi]

It's those 7's that must turn into 8's (just so you know, that's how everyone counts in poetry. Whenever you see a number progression like that, it refers to the syllable count of the respective lines). Anyway, yeah, 7's to 8's, for by the musicality/rhythm, because it's so strict, a missing syllable is extremely noticeable, and it mars the smooth flow of the poem. That only way that your progression would work is if you focus on musicality (what differentiates this term from "rhythm" is that "rhythm" marks time, "musicality" is the fluid progression from thought to thought and line to line). The first stanza is musicality at its finest, despite the 7-7-8-7 progression. Read it aloud, and mark where the down beats are. Some words are more powerful than others and therefore would require down beats. And if a line has two down beats back-to-back, there tends to be blockage. Read the whole poem aloud to yourself, and you'll be able to hear what I mean. There's blockage in some lines because there's no word allowing for the fluidity into the next down beat.

[UN]

Rhyming is overrated anyway! I can feel the pain coming off this piece. Yes, we all absolutely vent through our work!!!

[Anjali]

Another good piece by you. Wow. I really like this one! It's amazing! I can feel the pain in it. Keep writing!

[Madilyn]

Thank you so much!

[Anjali]

You are welcome.

[E.R Parker]

Good job! I feel this way a lot myself sometimes. I too like to vent through my writing.

[Madilyn]

Some people like to run or dance to get out those feelings, but nothing beats putting them in words.

[Maitrayee Dadhich]

Amazing description of the feelings.... We all have felt this once in a while...
Great work 👍

[Madilyn]

Thank you! This year of high school I think has heightened all these feelings and it led me to writing poems to vent it out. So I really appreciate this.

[E.R Parker]

High School is hard, but remember it is just high school. The kids that seem popular and well adjusted turn out to be complete nightmares. I made my true friends after high school. Stick in there kiddo and just keep writing.