Father Is Moving On

Dear You,

Am I even really here?

Why do I have such highs and lows? It doesn’t stay the same very long. Some people have highs that last a month, some a week, some a day. I have a high that lasts maybe an hour before I crash down. I crash down into a deep dark place. A part of me wants to try to claw my way out. Want to break free from this but… Another part of me is fine with being here; fine with drowning.

I know "life gets better" but until then I don’t know what to do. Happiness is an inside job and only I can make myself happy. However, do I deserve to be happy? Everyone tells you "every life matters" but we kill murders, "you are important" but you don’t notice as I walk by. 

I try not letting the opinions of others get to me, after all, I don't have many friends. I’m used to being alone and I don’t stay with a group of people long enough to even bring my presents to attention. I have always been like this due to some of the events in my life. I gave up on people and gave up on ever being a part of them.

With knowing this I will now tell you the one exception. My father, a rough man that used to know no emotion. He has been my best friend ever since I entered into his life. I tell him everything and we have no secrets, or at least that's how we were. Now its as if we are strangers walking past each other in a crowded street; not even knowing the other exists. This man has brought most of the joy that has ever been in my life and without him its like I cannot hold any joy at all.

He is very much alive and is moving on with his life. Sadly I regret to inform you and myself he is moving on without me. He has a woman now and they are very happy together. Without me "they lived happily ever after", or so it feels like. I try to not get upset, this is his first relationship since my birth. So I understand and know he isn’t doing it on purpose. However, this doesn’t stop the lonely pain that is engulfing me. I come home late hoping he will notice, hoping he will ask where I was. He never does. I don’t follow certain rules hoping he’ll come looking. He doesn’t. 

Now I’m just as invisible at home as I am at school. Sometimes I feel like I could hang myself and no-one would notice until the smell got bad enough. I wish I could, I really do, but I promised to never try again. I might not be much but I’m honest and keep my word. So now I’m damned to this hell until I have the chance to leave.

So until then, I’ll be writing to "You", "God", "Who Ever", or "Anyone" that will read.