Over The Edge

When the darkness takes a hold its so hard to fight the erge to just fall.

I wake to find that no matter how long or how good I sleep I’m always tired, always drained. It never fails to hit me, one way or another it finds me. Somedays it’s a hard and instant hit as soon as I open my eyes, a wave of total loss of the will and drive to live. Somedays it's slow and painful, I wake thinking I'm ok and I get ready and head out. I might have an hour or two before it wraps its dark arms around me. It holds me tight, covers my eyes so I can not see, and covers my ears so I can not hear.

I can’t get away from its grasp, unable to see the beauty around me, incapable of hearing the loving and kind words from my loved ones. Powerless to this darkness’s strength I go even deeper. A part of me knows I should fight, fight until I get out… but I’m too tired to fight. I’m so tired. So tired. I curl up to this darkness and let it wrap around me. Cutting me off from the outside world. 

"Let me save you from this world, you don’t belong here. You are too weak and they hate you. Just look, they all are staring at you. They’re talking about you, why are you here you don't belong, you don't fit in. If you just come with me you can get away, away from that awful pain. You won't be laughed at or talked about. They can’t hurt you or call you those names. You won’t feel useless or alone, no more crying, no more fear. Don’t you want that?" It whispers to me.

As it promises and uses its sweet words I know that I can’t. I can’t take that alluring offer even if I desperately want to. Oh, how I want to take that offer. It draws closer and begins to take on a warmth and talks even sweeter. I think it knows I want to go with them. Knows that I’m so close to running away and leaving this pain. Besides who would care if I was gone? 

"Hey beautiful, I know you’re feeling down. Would you like me to hold you?" It asks as they put their arm around me. With tears in my eyes, I whimper a small "yes" but they already knew my answer. They hold me and pull me to them so tight. I collapse with tears flowing down my face, the feeling of letting go is so strong. In my heart, I know its wrong to take their offer but is there any reason not to anymore?

"You’ve always been weak my love, it's not your fault. You are so kind and loving but hate and torture are all you receive from others. My sweet child, let me take it all away. I want to make you happy, why do you stay here? For your mother? Your father? Your sisters? So you have to be there for them? What good can you do for them? You can’t even take care of yourself. You staying is doing more harm than good. You’re hurting them by being here, I thought you wanted to help them. They wouldn’t have to worry about you anymore, wouldn’t have to be dragged down by you" it speaks softly to me as I sit in silence.

I look down at the ground not knowing what to say, but it already knows the choice I’ve made. It gets up and stands in front of me, their hand reached out for me to take. I look up with empty eyes and take it. It helps me up and looks at me not saying another word. We walk to the very edge of this dark place and stop. I look over the edge, into the seemly bottomless pit and take a step back. With it still holding my hand I feel it move towards me and whisper "In the end, it's your choice. You can change your mind but if not don't worry it doesn't hurt long." I take a step closer looking back over the edge and can’t help but hold my breath.

I sigh and relax my body, letting everything ease and float. I turn to look at it, its already looking into my eyes and it smiles at me. I’ve come to find comfort in its presents, it makes me numb and I feel safer that way. However, nothing lasts forever. I wrap my arms around it and a tear falls from my face as I say goodbye.

It looks at me and nods. Letting go of my hand it walks to the edge and tells me "Look for the horizon and you’ll be fine." With that it disappeared over the edge, it had gone. It knew I would never go over so it was their turn. I look into the pit and I can see a glimmer of light. It grows and grows until its so blinding I close my eyes. When I open them I see the world again. My family and friends around me, the beautiful colors of this world, my world. I am back. I am free.