Sitting In Silence

Fighting depression is an uphill battle and even with people on your side, you fight alone.

She sat there in silence, numb to the world. He tells her he loves her but she can’t say it back this time. She doesn’t think it would be a complete lie but at the same time she is so numb, she doesn’t feel anything. Anything for him or anyone else in this world.

She thinks back to when did this all happen. Yesterday? When he kissed her she felt nothing at all. When she pressed her body against him to desperately feel at least lust, but there was nothing. When he held her in his arms, nothing. Then maybe a few days ago? When she sat there listening to him but not hearing a single word. When having to talk to him or anyone annoyed her. When talking or communicating to anyone was unbearably frustrating and filled her with anger. 

Well was it a week ago? When she would talk to another guy and it wasn’t so bad. When that guy talked to her in a way her mate didn’t. When girls started to include her in after school hang out. When Her family started to talk together a little.

Maybe so, because soon after that she began to lose it. When those girls started to talk about her. When that guy dropped her because she was loyal to her mate. When her family began to not care if she came home or not. When even being around her cat, her sweet love, was too much. 

She looks at her hands, they are shaking. Why? Maybe she is losing her mind too. Maybe the reason she wants to leave and destroy the things she used to love is because that's what kept her here. Maybe her hands are shaking because her body knows the pain that has numbed her. Maybe they know the pain they will cause her physically tonight when she attempts to feel.

Feel anything, even if that means pain. The pain of flesh, tearing, cutting, soaking flesh. There is something she finds beautiful about it. Maybe it's the crimson color that spills. Maybe it's the fact that the blade determines the pain. How the sharp blade shows love to her and kisses her skin. How with a duller blade it shows her own anger and it bites and rips her. 

Her mind eased a bit thinking about it, knowing she only has six hours until she will be home. Alone and yet still surrounded by her demons that are following her. Some are yelling at her, screaming how worthless and useless she is, while another just trail behind her whispering their dark words in her ear. So many demons all trying to drag her down to hell where she belongs. They will do everything in their power to destroy her, but she knows she can’t end her life.

She has promised to never try to end herself again. Even though she knows hell would be better than being here with the false hope that things will get better. She knows things do get better but also they get worse than before. What people don't tell you, living is just a roller coaster that never stops, always goes too fast and never stays good or bad. So with that, she is just going to let go as the ride flies straight down, afraid if she holds on she’ll take someone with her.

Though she tries to not pull them down with her, that's all she does. As they all react differently, in the end, it's the same. Some beg for her not to go, some yell at her, some tell her they won't let her, some just let her go. 

Her mate cries “as long as you’ll come back”, and lets her leave. One of her friends yells and says she's a woman and needs to stop letting people get to her. Her best friend cries, yells, and now is going to tell counselors; so she’ll be called out of class and will have to be talked to.

So now instead of the pain of her blade, she will have to deal with the pain of her father yelling at her. Asking why life is so hard and what's wrong with her. She began regretting telling them she was going to, she should have just lied. She hated lying, hated being lied to, and lying to others. 

After being called in she felt a little better. Still fearing the talk as soon as she gets home and wishing she could hide; but better. She sat there waiting for her ride home to finish whatever they were doing and take her. She checked her phone but, of course, no one messaged her. She got on her computer and checked her email, nothing. She normally doesn't have emails but this time she was hoping that just maybe there would be one. 

Though she felt better she still feels the heavy weight that is dragging her down. Still cutting them off, still slowly falling, but now it will be a slow fall instead of a plummet. She jumped off the roof but her gravity is ever so slow. At least she can see the ground in more detail from here. Every hard jagged detail, she begins to think maybe she doesn’t want to fall.

“What can she do now; how can she fix what she has done,” runs through her head. “No, no I deserve to fall,”  she whispers aloud to herself. The darkness has taken back ahold; but for that split second, she fought it. She wanted to save herself from the pit that would destroy her. However, the years of pain and torment kept her from thinking about herself without putting herself down. Was it all for nothing? For now, she is sitting in silence exactly like before, staring blankly at the floor.

Reviews

[Relic]

I chose to read this being it made the popular page. I can see you are perhaps just starting as a writer being this could use some revision. I would suggest adding a space or two between paragraphs.

Also, the sentence structure could use work.
For exmple:

Though she tries to not pull them down with her takes all she does.

The story is sad and shows the power of depression and its destructive ability on people, whether they be young or a little older.

Keep writing.

[Tony Jordan]

One will always get through by the law of averages. Those thoughts can be the thin end of the wedge - like the first drips of a dam about to burst open. Chaotic inside yet frozen outside.

[Outsider]

Very true, thank you for the review.

[s.m.p.]

Loved it, super relatable.

[AwkwardedOut]

Dark and depressing. Really well written.

[...]

I wonder if you chose your pen name on base of book of Colin Wilson. First about your form. I can say letters are too small for me to read. Maybe I get bad eye sight. Yes you choose good theme. Self- observations and searching for own purpose. Your words go quiet deep and let reader wonder how you can write in so nature --relaxing style.