Birds within

A raven,

Cool and slick and calm.

Sits in the cage in his heart.

Trapped among his ribs,

it struggles,

for a breath.

Like so many of

us struggle as

well.

A nightingale,

So joyous, so alive, so

full of light.

Is nestled between her

conscience and

her larynx.

It fights for the right

to sing and speak.

Like many of us do too.

The sky is frosty,

Mist,

frozen, suspended

in air and

time.

She trips and her nightingale

calls out.

And the raven hears.

And together, they carry the weight of

a heart's song together.

Because as they say:

"A heart is a heavy burden to bear

Alone."

Reviews

[viola]

This is great. I really like it. The imagery of the different parts we keep hidden from others finally escaping as birds, so wonderful!
If I was being really picky I don't like the line "Like many of us do too." Or mostly I don't like "do too." It gets stuck on my tongue somehow. I understand it wants to be parallel with the "as well," but I might try to find a different phrase.
Second, the stanza
"The sky is frosty,
Mist,
frozen, suspended
in air and
time."
This is the only time I didn't buy your line breaks. Everywhere else I feel like the right part is emphasized. Here, I don't quite know where I should pause or what is important. Maybe too many commas?
As I said first though, I love this poem! The imagery is great!

[Addict With a Pen]

Amazing! I love how you created this idea of love between two people as these birds in their hearts. This is one of my very favorite poems. I really love how you tie in the last quote. The way you created his raven and her nightingale completes this writing. How his bird is trapped and hers is fighting for a chance to speak out.
I can't wait to read the rest of your work!

[GalaxyGhost]

This is such a picturesque poem and it has a tone to it that is like the night, dark yet beautiful and more benign--just calm and soothing. The quote at the end of the poem is a powerful message and I love it! I was both entertained and I got a lesson out of it, too!