My Suicide Note

Dear Mom and Dad, 

If you're reading this, that means I'm already gone. That means I figured it got way too bad to continue living and took enough cold and flu medicine to kill me. They always said that suicide was 'the coward's way out', but I think I'm brave for doing this. I'm brave to spare you the burden of my presence, and the rest of society. You guys saw me spiral out of control. I know you did because the recognition lingered in your eyes but you were to afraid to do anything, and that's okay. I don't hold any grudges against you guys, I love you. I mean, you were the best parents a girl like me could wish for. And you still are. But, even that couldn't have stopped me from doing committing suicide. 

Death is easier that life. Quicker, painless. It's better than living with stress, but then again, worse. I don't know why I would do this to you guys, but I did. Maybe I did it because I'm selfish. But, I guess that's okay because it doesn't really matter anymore, does it? 

Well, I never intended to go here, but Mom... don't go back to alcohol, okay? I never want to see you do that? Alcohol does NOTHING. IT DOESN'T HELP. I don't wanna see either of you guys wallow in self pity over this, okay? It's just... I felt like I was worthless. I mean, you guys were constantly on me about grades and the way I looked and just about everything, but that would never compare to why I killed myself. 

This may be hard to hear, but I starved myself in the weeks leading up to my death. That's the worse thing about anything- no has to tell you that you're fat to make yourself feel like crap about your appearance, pardon my language. But it wasn't about that, per se. It was mainly about being depressed. A lot of stuff happened lately, with cutting myself and starving myself, that I just eventually got really depressed. 

Now listen, you guys could have done about this, okay? Don't feel like you could have stopped this, because you couldn't of. Mom, you always were talking about fate and all that. Well, my fate was to commit suicide. Nothing could have stopped it. 

Now about Sidney. She's my only sister, take care of her. Don't let her go down the same path. Give her a lot of privacy, okay? Don't go through her bedroom and all that. Leave her alone, because then she'll have paranoia disorder like me and kill herself too. Give her lots of attention, love, but a lot of privacy. Make sure she stays just as amazing as she is. Let her know that I'm sorry for always hitting her and being mean to her. I understand that I have major temper issues, but tell her that I'm more sorry that you'd ever know. 

Also... Mom, Dad... I'm bisexual. This is the worst way you could have ever found out, but I guess this is it. Dad, I know you've never been crazy supportive of it, and Mom, I don't really know where you stand, but this is who I was- who I am. If you can do anything to support gay pride and stuff, if you got the time, I'd appreciate if you could do it. Thanks

Now listen, I have only a few dying wishes, okay? 

1) Tell Jennafer that I love her and that she was always like a sister to me and that I'll miss her like crazy. 

2) Never let Sidney go down a bad path. Tell her she is beautiful every single day. 

3) Mom, don't go back to being an alcoholic, okay? Ever. Please. 

4) Dad, keep working on the car. Make it amazing, okay? Just if you can, find somewhere where you can write the word "Breathe". It's the name of a song by Anna Nalick that I love. 

5) Make sure songs by Aerosmith, Taylor Swift, and Tom Petty play at my funeral. 

6) Find a way to tell Harley that I love him, and that he is my favorite person in the world. Tell him to remember the purple rain. He'll know what it means. 

7) Tell Seema to keep strong. Forever. 

8) Live life, okay? Don't be all mopey all the time, okay?

I love you guys, so very much. And I will forever. 

Oh hey, Mom, what's a caterpillar's worst enemy? 

A doggerpillar. 

Love forever and ever, 

your daughter, 

Madison "Red" Noel Van Ausdall

Author's Note

A suicide note I wrote a few weeks ago. If I ever were to commit suicide, I'd use this note. I'm NOT, but yeah. um. k.