The letter

The rope around my neck is tightening, I can't take it any longer, The life I've struggle to live I...I... can't take it any longer. Mom, dad, friends, I'm sorry for this. -Goodybe

Dear family and friends,

I'm sorry it came down to this but i can't take it anymore. lately, anxiety has been tearing me apart, the debts I'm into , the lack of companionship, I didn't feel love for months now, loneliness has caught up with me, I can't sleep at night anymore, I lie awake weeping.  I'm all alone, everyone has forgotten me. I used to think loneliness was what I wanted, thought if I was alone I could focus more on writing, but I was so, so wrong. Writing was the last thing I could think off when my heart was getting numb and my breath became heavier and heavier; the panic attacks became more frequent and even if I got used to them, they still terrified me.

The rope around  my neck is tightening, my only way out is dead, I'm aware of the grief I'm bringing upon you and that is is tremendous but don't cry, please as it is my choice, it is what I want.

I have a request only, call it my death wish or as you want. I doubt my body will be found as I'm gonna end it by drowning, the most peaceful and less painful , way as it's said; My wish is that my writings gets printed, don't publish them, don't sell them or anything but print them. I have created a folder on my laptop, it's the only thing left on that old fella'. You all know this was my dream, to become a writer so please make it come true. Name it "Notes of a scattered mind" and give it away, give free copies away, first to friends and people who knew me and then share it with the world. Do so on this day, every 15 June, please. 

                                       Gone but never forgotten

                                                                                                                                                              -Goodbye

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No, I'm not gonna kill myself and yes, I know what you might be thinking "why did I write that heart-breaking letter if I'm not going through with it?" Truth is, that's my only getaway: If I ran, someone would eventually track me down, I've never been good at hide and seek and if I keep on going like this hoping that things will get better I'm definitely gonna end up 6 feet under.

Let me get some things straight:

- I'm only killing my persona, my ego, I'm killing Drew which by the way is my name, well, was my name till now; And I give birth to someone else, Deandre Amell , a name I like and used to play under it years ago on an online roleplaying game.

-I am undoubtedly aware of the pain I'm pulling my family through, no parent should be able to bury their child, the pain is just too big but I'm not giving them a body. I believe the pain is in there, looking at your own kid, seeing him lie there lifeless, that's where real comes from. I need to do this, I need to put myself above others else I won't get anywhere, I need to make this step, I have convinced myself for the past few days that I have to do this.

-Don't get me wrong, the only reason I've asked for my writings to be printed is so that everyone will know the pain I've been through this whole time, to know depression is no joke.

-Last but not least, I know that what awaits for me might be worse but it's a gamble I have to make. From this point on, I have no identity(well, I do but no proof to sustain that, just my word) ,no family, no friends, no money, no nothing but my faith, faith that this journey will end well.