Breathe and Count to Ten

Intense marital issues come to define a man's life

Part One:

A.

David came home from work and started to make his way to his bedroom. It was a long day, and he was ready to just relax. He wasn’t even sure if Kate would have been home. In fact, he would’ve preferred if she wasn’t. They were still angry with each other. The last thing he wanted to do was argue, but he knew if she said or did anything he didn’t like, it would have set him off. He figured the stress he was feeling at that moment would have gone away as long as he got something to eat and drink, and a little bit of sleep, before his inner tension escalated any further
As he opened the door to the bedroom, he did see his wife lying on the bed. He was slightly disappointed by this, but he figured it wouldn’t have been a problem as long as she didn’t start with him. The problem was that it didn’t seem like she was ready to let things go. She had a nervous look on her face like she was still afraid of him. David was saddened by this, because he really was trying to move on, and she was making it difficult for him. He didn’t want to be put in the role she was putting him in.
“Don’t start,” he said to her. He was firm in his statement, but there was a sense of weakness in his voice. He was already the victim in this fight that hadn’t yet happened. She realized as soon as he said that, that he hadn’t yet realized what was going on.
“Sorry,” she said. He lied down next to her and turned on the TV. He flipped past the news stations and turned reruns of a sitcom he liked. It was what he tended to do at this time. He didn’t want to think about anything after work. The two of them laid next to each other in the bed, and he was starting to relax. She still looked nervous though.
After about fifteen minutes, David was starting to close his eyes. He was happy to finally be getting to sleep, as he really felt he needed it. After about ten minutes with David resting with his eyes closed, Kate decided that he was finally asleep. Once she accepted this, she got out of bed, and walked over to the bathroom, which was located within the bedroom. She gestured to Brad, a man who was hiding in there, to let him know that he could leave. Brad was a man who worked at Kate’s restaurant with her. David was already suspicious of him, and there would no talking him down if he had seen him.
Brad successfully made his way out of the room, and out of the house. Morning came, and David went to take a shower. He noticed that his soap had run out. He usually made note of all of his supplies so that this wouldn’t happen. He might have thought Kate used it, but she knew how obsessive he was when it came to this sort of thing. He knew that she had either been cheating, or she had taken his control away on such a trivial issue, just to spite him.

B.

This new problem that arose between David and Kate was just one of many. As is usually the case, David was furious at Kate for something, and was handling it in a matter that was totally out of proportion to the circumstances. This time, he didn’t even catch her doing anything. He just had a few pieces of evidence, and jumped to a conclusion. David had a very controlling personality, so he didn’t like it when anyone got one over on him.
At first he tried handling it calmly. He was hoping the two of them could have a reasonable discussion, but in reality, there was no conduct which Kate could have employed, that would not have set David off. She was tired of living under the rule of his unpredictable emotions. The two of them had a quiet conversation at first, but the tones in both voices were noticeably tense. Soon, the volume started to increase. Then the conversation turned from one of a specific incident, to one of their general relationship.
“I can’t even stand being around you anymore. I’m scared.” Kate yelled. She was fearing for her own safety as she said this, but honestly, that fear wasn’t anything new. Whatever was going to happen was fine with her. However, this struck David in a way that she wasn’t expecting. His mood change. He got less tense, and more relaxed. He sat down in a chair that was sitting a few feet away.
“You can’t stand being around me?” Now David was focusing less on trying to win an argument, and more on trying to figure out where he went wrong with Kate. He had known they were having trouble, but he didn’t necessarily have the perception that he was some sort of evil presence that Kate had to be careful around. As Kate saw him in this fragile state, for the first time in a while, she took it upon herself to become even more confident in her stance, and less fearful. Now she was the one in control.
“No, I can’t, honestly. I don’t like coming home every day. The only time I can even have some enjoyment at all is at work. It’s safe there. Every time I’m here with you, you’re always doing something to take away any enjoyment I could have.” She was rambling now. She was able to let everything out, and so she did.
At first, David was taking the criticism well, but as Kate kept talking, it felt more and more like bullying. She could have made her point and been done with it. He was furious now, that she saw him in the state he was in, and didn’t seem to care. In fact, she seemed to enjoy it. He hated her now. None of the problems they had before felt had painful as this moment, seeing Kate’s insensitivity towards him. No matter what problems David had with Kate, he was never insensitive to her vulnerability.
He was dying to have the control back. He stood up, got in her face, and kept walking towards her. She walked backwards, staring him in the eye.
“What are you going to do, now?” It wasn’t a tone of fear, but of mockery. David could hear it. As far as he could tell, there was nowhere for him to stop. He was set off, and he had to keep going. First he pushed her, then she pushed back. Then, for the first time in their relationship, he punched her in the face. Somehow though, this didn’t feel unusual or surprising to Kate. She ran down the hallway, trying to get away. If she didn’t run, David probably would have stopped at the punch, but that would have been because he was choosing to stop. When Kate ran, she was making the choice for the fight to be over, and that wasn’t okay with David. He ran after her, and kept pushing, and kept punching. All that could be heard were sounds of fists hitting Kate’s face and body, followed by Kate’s tearful screaming. Eventually, the latter was the only sound that could be heard, and for hours.

C.

A few months went by before David found himself sitting in a courtroom. There was nothing he could have said or done that would have solved anything. The damage was done. He knew he was guilty, in every sense a person could be. Still, his plea insisted otherwise. Regardless of the shame he felt, he wanted to be free. He wanted to prove to the world and to himself that he could be a good person. He could be caring, and kind, and not worry about always getting his way all the time. He was ready to let other people take advantage of him, and see him as weak. It didn’t matter anymore. He just didn’t want to be the person he was when he committed these horrible acts that it killed him to even imagine.
The visions kept going through his head as the lawyers were speaking. It wasn’t himself he was imagining. It was an absolute maniac who could not have been stopped in any way. He tried to think about anything else, but he needed to pay attention. He needed to know what his fate was going to be. He was interested in the case, but every word that was being said brought him back. Their words held nothing back. They seemed to show know sympathy to him, and no willingness to look at the situation rationally. What was worse is that he knew they were absolutely right in everything they said. It just didn’t feel like they were talking about him. He hated that the words they were saying were now and forever going to be applicable to him, as he never would have thought. He thought of all the crazy people he heard about on the news as a kid, and how his parents used to tell him that they were bad people. He was just a kid then, and a good kid, but now he was one of them. The thoughts in his head kept getting louder.
“No, no, no, no! It wasn’t me! It wasn’t me!” He knew it was though. His mind kept getting noisier, and he started shaking in his seat. He was unconcerned about the fact that his shaking was noticeable, and he was actually starting to whisper his thoughts out loud.
The lawyers eventually let up, and he was a little relieved. The jury went to deliberate, tears started to come down from David’s eyes. It was a combination of guilt, shock, and relief that the trial was over. His mind was blank from then, up until the verdict was delivered.
“We find the defendant not guilty,” David heard one of the jurors say. He knew there wasn’t a lot of evidence, so he wasn’t surprised. His mind returned to blankness after those words. He blocked out everything that was said after that. He felt a little more guilt at the fact that he was being set free for something he did do, but he justified it in his head by reminding himself that there was a lot more good he could do for the world if he didn’t have a label attached to him, although that label was probably going to be there either way.

D.

Years later, David had gotten a lower paying job than the one he used to have, and he was living alone. One night, he went out with his friend Gina, just to have fun. Still, he couldn’t stop thinking about his actions. At least a few times a day, these thoughts come back to him.
“What’s wrong?” Gina asked him.
“Nothing.” It was silent for a few seconds.
“Am I going to have to feel like a terrible person for the rest of my life?” David asked.
“Only if you plan on actually being a terrible person for the rest of your life,” Gina responded. This brought a little bit of momentary comfort to David. It was the kind of justification he would often bring to himself in his own head, but it was nice hearing it from someone else.
“Well, the world still sees me that way, anyway,” David replied. “I’m never going to get a decent job or a real relationship ever again.”
“What does the world know? Can there be no such thing as a good person who used to do terrible things? I mean, if you get help, and you try to be better, you should feel that way. It’s a little bit illogical to do all the work that you’ve done to become a better person, and still see yourself as a terrible one.” David was feeling better. It wasn’t so much the points Gina was making, but the fact that someone held the opinion that David didn’t have to keep torturing himself the way he had been. She went on.
“What you did was unspeakable, obviously. But you’re not the same person, are you? There’s no factual way to say that you are, other than semantically. You just have the same body that that person had, and you have his memories, but anyone who tells you you’re the same person doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Why should you keep feeling guilty for something somebody else did?” David’s mood started to lift a little bit. Gina continued speaking.
“You shouldn’t have to keep torturing yourself forever. No matter what the circumstances are, that doesn’t do any good to anybody.”
In addition to the fact that David had someone on his side now, he was now feeling better as a result of some combination of Gina’s comforting tone, the logic she was using that was actually making sense. After a few minutes of silence, David spoke up.
“I loved her,” he said. And that was all he said. That was all he felt he needed to say anymore.

E.

The next time David and Kate met up, there were very few words. David walked into Kate’s restaurant, and started to approach her slowly. It was just the two of them in the room. The restaurant had not yet opened. Regardless of what David’s intentions were, Kate was scared for her life. She had no idea if these feelings of fear made any sense, but she acted on them. She grabbed a knife, and started to slowly back away from David. David already didn’t like where this was going. He was trying to be calm, and to treat her respectfully, but she was already putting him into a role he didn’t want to be in.
“Put the knife down,” he said.
“No! Get away from me!” She yelled.
“I just want to talk,” he said as he kept approaching her.
“Get away from me! Get away from me!” She kept screaming this over and over.
David walked up to her, and put his hand over her mouth. He tried to grab the knife from her hand, but she was able to cut his hand with it. Immediately, he slapped her across the face, then pushed her away. She charged back at him with the knife, and stabbed him the arm.
“I said get away from me!” She grabbed a frying pan from the counter, and kept hitting him in the torso with it. Then, she was able to push him to the ground. She grabbed the knife and held it over his head.
“Get up, and I’ll stab you right in the heart. Crawl over to the door, and get out.”
David, determined not to leave as the villain, wanted to show that he could have the upper hand over Kate, and still choose to leave, rather than having to leave by threat. He got up to grab the knife out of her hand. He was successful in this attempt, but Kate was quick to grab the frying pan again. She kept hitting him with it again, until finally he didn’t want to deal with it anymore. He grabbed the knife, and charged at her, aiming right at her heart, and screaming “I love you! I love you! I love you!” over and over. Before he could see where the knife ended up, he felt the frying pan hit him on the head, and knock him to the ground, and he saw nothing but blackness.

Part Two:

June 1, 1997, 6:12 PM

This new problem that arose between David and Kate was just one of many. As is usually the case, David was furious at Kate for something, and was handling it in a matter that was totally out of proportion to the circumstances. This time, he didn’t even catch her doing anything. He just had a few pieces of evidence, and jumped to a conclusion. David had a very controlling personality, so he didn’t like it when anyone got one over on him.
At first he tried handling it calmly. He was hoping the two of them could have a reasonable discussion, but in reality, there was no conduct which Kate could have employed, that would not have set David off. She was tired of living under the rule of his unpredictable emotions. The two of them had a quiet conversation at first, but the tones in both voices were noticeably tense. Soon, the volume started to increase. Then the conversation turned from one of a specific incident, to one of their general relationship.
“I can’t even stand being around you anymore. I’m scared.” Kate yelled. She was fearing for her own safety as she said this, but honestly, that fear wasn’t anything new. Whatever was going to happen was fine with her. However, this struck David in a way that she wasn’t expecting. His mood change. He got less tense, and more relaxed. He sat down in a chair that was sitting a few feet away.
“You can’t stand being around me?” Now David was focusing less on trying to win an argument, and more on trying to figure out where he went wrong with Kate. He had known they were having trouble, but he didn’t necessarily have the perception that he was some sort of evil presence that Kate had to be careful around. As Kate saw him in this fragile state, for the first time in a while, she took it upon herself to become even more confident in her stance, and less fearful. Now she was the one in control.
“No, I can’t, honestly. I don’t like coming home every day. The only time I can even have some enjoyment at all is at work. It’s safe there. Every time I’m here with you, you’re always doing something to take away any enjoyment I could have.” She was rambling now. She was able to let everything out, and so she did.
At first, David was taking the criticism well, but as Kate kept talking, it felt more and more like bullying. She could have made her point and been done with it. He was furious now, that she saw him in the state he was in, and didn’t seem to care. In fact, she seemed to enjoy it. He hated her now. None of the problems they had before felt had painful as this moment, seeing Kate’s insensitivity towards him. No matter what problems David had with Kate, he was never insensitive to her vulnerability.
He was dying to have the control back. He stood up, got in her face, and kept walking towards her. She walked backwards, staring him in the eye.
“What are you going to do, now?” It wasn’t a tone of fear, but of mockery. David could hear it. As far as he could tell, there was nowhere for him to stop. He was set off, and he had to keep going. First he pushed her, then she pushed back. Then, for the first time in their relationship, he punched her in the face. Somehow though, this didn’t feel unusual or surprising to Kate. She ran down the hallway, trying to get away. If she didn’t run, David probably would have stopped at the punch, but that would have been because he was choosing to stop. When Kate ran, she was making the choice for the fight to be over, and that wasn’t okay with David. He ran after her, and kept pushing, and kept punching. All that could be heard were sounds of fists hitting Kate’s face and body, followed by Kate’s tearful screaming. Eventually, the latter was the only sound that could be heard, and for hours.

June 7, 1997, 11:42 PM

David came home from work and started to make his way to his bedroom. It was a long day, and he was ready to just relax. He wasn’t even sure if Kate would have been home. In fact, he would’ve preferred if she wasn’t. They were still angry with each other. The last thing he wanted to do was argue, but he knew if she said or did anything he didn’t like, it would have set him off. He figured the stress he was feeling at that moment would have gone away as long as he got something to eat and drink, and a little bit of sleep, before his inner tension escalated any further
As he opened the door to the bedroom, he did see his wife lying on the bed. He was slightly disappointed by this, but he figured it wouldn’t have been a problem as long as she didn’t start with him. The problem was that it didn’t seem like she was ready to let things go. She had a nervous look on her face like she was still afraid of him. David was saddened by this, because he really was trying to move on, and she was making it difficult for him. He didn’t want to be put in the role she was putting him in.
“Don’t start,” he said to her. He was firm in his statement, but there was a sense of weakness in his voice. He was already the victim in this fight that hadn’t yet happened. She realized as soon as he said that, that he hadn’t yet realized what was going on.
“Sorry,” she said. He lied down next to her and turned on the TV. He flipped past the news stations and turned reruns of a sitcom he liked. It was what he tended to do at this time. He didn’t want to think about anything after work. The two of them laid next to each other in the bed, and he was starting to relax. She still looked nervous though.
After about fifteen minutes, David was starting to close his eyes. He was happy to finally be getting to sleep, as he really felt he needed it. After about ten minutes with David resting with his eyes closed, Kate decided that he was finally asleep. Once she accepted this, she got out of bed, and walked over to the bathroom, which was located within the bedroom. She gestured to Brad, a man who was hiding in there, to let him know that he could leave. Brad was a man who worked at Kate’s restaurant with her. David was already suspicious of him, and there would no talking him down if he had seen him.
Brad successfully made his way out of the room, and out of the house. Morning came, and David went to take a shower. He noticed that his soap had run out. He usually made note of all of his supplies so that this wouldn’t happen. He might have thought Kate used it, but she knew how obsessive he was when it came to this sort of thing. He knew that she had either been cheating, or she had taken his control away on such a trivial issue, just to spite him.

June 9, 6:31 AM

The next time David and Kate met up, there were very few words. David walked into Kate’s restaurant, and started to approach her slowly. It was just the two of them in the room. The restaurant had not yet opened. Regardless of what David’s intentions were, Kate was scared for her life. She had no idea if these feelings of fear made any sense, but she acted on them. She grabbed a knife, and started to slowly back away from David. David already didn’t like where this was going. He was trying to be calm, and to treat her respectfully, but she was already putting him into a role he didn’t want to be in.
“Put the knife down,” he said.
“No! Get away from me!” She yelled.
“I just want to talk,” he said as he kept approaching her.
“Get away from me! Get away from me!” She kept screaming this over and over.
David walked up to her, and put his hand over her mouth. He tried to grab the knife from her hand, but she was able to cut his hand with it. Immediately, he slapped her across the face, then pushed her away. She charged back at him with the knife, and stabbed him the arm.
“I said get away from me!” She grabbed a frying pan from the counter, and kept hitting him in the torso with it. Then, she was able to push him to the ground. She grabbed the knife and held it over his head.
“Get up, and I’ll stab you right in the heart. Crawl over to the door, and get out.”
David, determined not to leave as the villain, wanted to show that he could have the upper hand over Kate, and still choose to leave, rather than having to leave by threat. He got up to grab the knife out of her hand. He was successful in this attempt, but Kate was quick to grab the frying pan again. She kept hitting him with it again, until finally he didn’t want to deal with it anymore. He grabbed the knife, and charged at her, aiming right at her heart, and screaming “I love you! I love you! I love you!” over and over. Before he could see where the knife ended up, he felt the frying pan hit him on the head, and knock him to the ground, and he saw nothing but blackness.

February 3, 1998 10:00 AM

A few months went by before David found himself sitting in a courtroom. There was nothing he could have said or done that would have solved anything. The damage was done. He knew he was guilty, in every sense a person could be. Still, his plea insisted otherwise. Regardless of the shame he felt, he wanted to be free. He wanted to prove to the world and to himself that he could be a good person. He could be caring, and kind, and not worry about always getting his way all the time. He was ready to let other people take advantage of him, and see him as weak. It didn’t matter anymore. He just didn’t want to be the person he was when he committed these horrible acts that it killed him to even imagine.
The visions kept going through his head as the lawyers were speaking. It wasn’t himself he was imagining. It was an absolute maniac who could not have been stopped in any way. He tried to think about anything else, but he needed to pay attention. He needed to know what his fate was going to be. He was interested in the case, but every word that was being said brought him back. Their words held nothing back. They seemed to show know sympathy to him, and no willingness to look at the situation rationally. What was worse is that he knew they were absolutely right in everything they said. It just didn’t feel like they were talking about him. He hated that the words they were saying were now and forever going to be applicable to him, as he never would have thought. He thought of all the crazy people he heard about on the news as a kid, and how his parents used to tell him that they were bad people. He was just a kid then, and a good kid, but now he was one of them. The thoughts in his head kept getting louder.
“No, no, no, no! It wasn’t me! It wasn’t me!” He knew it was though. His mind kept getting noisier, and he started shaking in his seat. He was unconcerned about the fact that his shaking was noticeable, and he was actually starting to whisper his thoughts out loud.
The lawyers eventually let up, and he was a little relieved. The jury went to deliberate, tears started to come down from David’s eyes. It was a combination of guilt, shock, and relief that the trial was over. His mind was blank from then, up until the verdict was delivered.
“We find the defendant not guilty,” David heard one of the jurors say. He knew there wasn’t a lot of evidence, so he wasn’t surprised. His mind returned to blankness after those words. He blocked out everything that was said after that. He felt a little more guilt at the fact that he was being set free for something he did do, but he justified it in his head by reminding himself that there was a lot more good he could do for the world if he didn’t have a label attached to him, although that label was probably going to be there either way.

May 20, 2004, 9:50 PM

Years later, David had gotten a lower paying job than the one he used to have, and he was living alone. One night, he went out with his friend Gina, just to have fun. Still, he couldn’t stop thinking about his actions. At least a few times a day, these thoughts come back to him.
“What’s wrong?” Gina asked him.
“Nothing.” It was silent for a few seconds.
“Am I going to have to feel like a terrible person for the rest of my life?” David asked.
“Only if you plan on actually being a terrible person for the rest of your life,” Gina responded. This brought a little bit of momentary comfort to David. It was the kind of justification he would often bring to himself in his own head, but it was nice hearing it from someone else.
“Well, the world still sees me that way, anyway,” David replied. “I’m never going to get a decent job or a real relationship ever again.”
“What does the world know? Can there be no such thing as a good person who used to do terrible things? I mean, if you get help, and you try to be better, you should feel that way. It’s a little bit illogical to do all the work that you’ve done to become a better person, and still see yourself as a terrible one.” David was feeling better. It wasn’t so much the points Gina was making, but the fact that someone held the opinion that David didn’t have to keep torturing himself the way he had been. She went on.
“What you did was unspeakable, obviously. But you’re not the same person, are you? There’s no factual way to say that you are, other than semantically. You just have the same body that that person had, and you have his memories, but anyone who tells you you’re the same person doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Why should you keep feeling guilty for something somebody else did?” David’s mood started to lift a little bit. Gina continued speaking.
“You shouldn’t have to keep torturing yourself forever. No matter what the circumstances are, that doesn’t do any good to anybody.”
In addition to the fact that David had someone on his side now, he was now feeling better as a result of some combination of Gina’s comforting tone, the logic she was using that was actually making sense. After a few minutes of silence, David spoke up.
“I loved her,” he said. And that was all he said. That was all he felt he needed to say anymore.