The voice of love

A young man saw a beautiful lady he thought had some affections for him, he approsched her to say some romantic words but the lady only coughed. Her attitude made dumbfounded him from further talk to

In your eyes is the language by true love,
My hat just has to passionately doff,
You responded as if you have dry cough,
Though, to your rejection, my skin is tough.

Your words that I heard were full of wisdom,
To your heart I plead, be in my kingdom,
Your goodness, the only cure for my boredom,
It is then your love will trap my freedom.

Your beauty is planted in my garden,
My mouth is pleading, give my heart pardon,
The words to express my love is hiding,
Most probably you thought I was kidding.

My heart is on my face for you to pry.
Open your eyes, see the tears of my cry,
Feel my tears, you'll see that it could make fries,
Give my love cares before its feeling dries.

Reviews

[JayG]

• My hat is off my head to doff,

Umm...the word doff means to remove. You just might want to choose another word. 😆

That aside, you’re focused way too much on rhyming, as if that’s the purpose of metrical poetry. But doing that tends to promote bending the line to the needs of the rhyme, with obvious Moon/June and hiding/guiding rhyming.

But, the rhyme is an accent, not the purpose, and must seem so perfectly a part of the thought that the rhyme is almost accidental.

There’s a LOT to poetry that’s not obvious. They have, after all, been refining it for centuries. So dig into that body of knowledge and make it work for you.

In this, for example you’re ignoring prosody. But prosody provides a cadence that helps the reader become a part of the performance.

For example, the opening stanza’s line 1 has four feet and is trochaic. But S2, L1 has six feet and is iambic.

For a quick introduction to the ins-and-outs of metrical poetry, and the flow of language in general, trot over to Amazon and read the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. He will amaze you with things that while obvious once pointed out, are invisible till then. That excerpt, alone, can make a HUGE difference in your poetry.

Another that's worth reading is the excerpt from Mary Oliver’s, Rules for the Dance. Try both to see which book you want in your library.

Sorry my news isn’t better, but since those problems are invisible till pointed out I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on Writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[Maclawrence Famuyiwa]

Thanks for taking your time off other yhings to write this lengthy critical comment full of invaluable poetic knowledge and dexterity. I appreciate it.

[Arundass TP]

Written truthfully. Lovable poem.