Freak Circus

I think it's ironic that "Lucifer" actually means Light-Bringer haha.
OK. I will say this, you have an Excellent idea here. I am very interested. Having read through I think you design believable characters, and a very believeable villain. But, if he is not the actually Devil. Give Lucifer a clear last name, so people understand.
ALSO, you have a problem with Tense. You mix past and present tense a lot and that is extremely distracting for readers. Saying things like "I can't wait to tell" is misleading when you talk of feelings in the past tense. Make sure to use a good form of past tense for this writing all the way through. Now, another thing I noticed was when you wrote in the age as "17" only large numbers should be written with actual numbers. So instead it should read "seventeen." Also like the other said, punctuation need a little work, but all of us need help in that regard, that's what editing is for.

BUT I love the story and I will continue reading avidly. If you fix those little things and add some backstory for your characters you will get much more out of this. Also, adding little details like...
"Alex...Alex...Alex.."
If you did it this way...
"Alex..." Her words fell deaf on her friends ear. "Alex.." She tried once more, this time he twitched, as if he understood.
And so on and so forth. It adds power and a sense that the reader is there, witnessing this happen. But it's your writing and you should do it how you please=D

All things considered wonderful job!;D and thanks for reading my work!

Posted 12 Years Ago