The Motel Room [revised]

A poem...

It’s scuttling

I watch it dart through the vines stitched into my cover

As I'm huddling

At the edge, just struggling

To contain my thoughts,

-but the bugs are infesting,

Crawling inside my brain and nesting

 

The room smells of damp sex, cigarette smoke

turned sour- stale beer stained into the carpet

a harvest of mold for the next year

Of unpaid roommates

Who scuttle between the plaster

Maybe I should talk to the old b*****d

Who charges forty-five a night for a room he claims is a master-

-bed

S**t, I doubt it’s even that

It looks like a twin, and I can see where the rat-

-chewed a hole through the wall

Its droppings the only sign, he'd been here at all

 

Lost in thought, the end of my cigarette's

burnt out, ashen from neglect

And I've still yet

To leave this room in time to get

Another pack

But my bottle's empty, and its nearly noon

So I'll need to be leaving soon

 

The wall rumbles

Releasing more roommates

Hidden in the walls

To seek escape

And I laugh at the girl's fake screams as she works to make the pay

S**t, she's doing better than me, so who am I to say

A word of judgment, anyway

 

I open the bottle and take another pill

Maybe when I get back she'll be still

If not, at least my bottle will be filled

And I can shut it out

-my mind finally killed.

Author's Note

This is a revised version of my raw, unedited poem. It was heavily redone, with the help of Circe, a wonderful poet and a great help. Without her, it wouldn't have reached this level. I'm posting this as a separate poem, so you can view the original version and see the changes. Let me know what you think. Once again, a great thanks to Circe for all her help.

Reviews

[Marcos Berenguer]

I like this a lot. It really does paint a picture in my head about the motel. The mood is gloomy, but that's how it should be.
"Lost in thought, the end of my cigarette's
burnt out, ashen from neglect" Great writing--makes me think of a man starring into space, thinking, forgetting a had a cigarette in his hand. And about the pills--is the character a drug addict?
I once had to sleep in a motel like this when my parents moved from WA to NY. I hated it and wanted to sleep in the car.

[MachinaWriter]

Yeah, I had a problem with pills and alcohol at this point in my life. I've overcome that now. And yeah, I had that happen a lot. Staring off into space, the depressing thoughts running through my mind, with a cigarette in my hand. When I'd look at it, the ash would be long from the neglect, or completely burnt out and I'd have to light it up again or get another one lol I'm glad you liked it. I have a few more that are along this vein, feel free to give them a look and let me know what you think. Thanks for the read ^^

[Marcos Berenguer]

I'm glad you've overcome those things and I'm glad you're doing better. Definitely, I'll check out some more of your writing! I just joined this site a couple of days ago--it's pretty cool. I get to read some pretty awesome things.

[MachinaWriter]

I've only been on for a little less than a week myself and I'm enjoying the site, too. Thanks for the read and for the nice words ^^

[RachelReaper]

I like this poem a lot, the imagery and the way you could see and hear what was going on as you read takes talent to pull off.

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you ^^ I'm glad you enjoyed it. I try to paint pictures with my words, so I'm always happy to hear when people connect with the places or things I'm trying to convey. I sent you a read request for the novel I'm working on. I'd love for you to take a look at it and let me know what you think of it, as well ^^

[RachelReaper]

of course I will

[RachelReaper]

hey, I just put out a new poem called "Suffer in Silence" and would be thrilled if you'd take a look at that as well

[MachinaWriter]

lol I already read it ^^

[RachelReaper]

I saw that, and thank you for that, I will get right to reading your book once I sort out through the rest of my rrs.

[Sirius King]

the descriptions here are on point, really good job

[MachinaWriter]

Thanks, that means a lot.

[MissEpic2902]

Yet another amazing poem courtesy of MachinaWriter

[Kelsey]

Although I love it before, I think the editing you've done helps it flow better. It still paints a great picture and it's still a very powerful read. As always, you've done an amazing job.

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you. I asked Circe to help me decide how to rewrite and she was an amazing help. She's a wonderful poet, I recommend looking some of her stuff up here on this site.

[Kelsey]

I'll have to do that, thank you.

[Apatheia]

I love it. I did love the first one but this one does sound better with the revising. I really enjoyed reading this. :) Thank you for sharing and taking the time to edit this.

[MachinaWriter]

I had a lot of help revising this with the help of Circe, who is an amazing poet. Thanks for reading it. I was trying to create the image of what its like in these places, which was really depressing and s****y and holds a strong place in my memory.

[Apatheia]

I had a real vivid scene in my head about the location you're at. I can imagine how you felt sitting there, afraid to sleep. I felt like a watched a movie.

[MachinaWriter]

I'm glad. I was originally going to go off about how much I hated the guy that owned this place. He was supposed to get a microwave for that room and never did, and I was there for a while. And I was on crutches at the time, in so much pain from a broken ankle. lol It was so horrible, I honestly was afraid to sleep. So I'd stay up, drinking away, popping painkillers from my prescription, and that I'd bought off the street in an attempt to dull the pain in my leg and in my head. It wasn't a good moment for me, but looking back I can't help but laugh at how s****y it was and just be glad I made it out of that hell hole. Thanks again for reading it, as always I value your comments greatly ^^

[Apatheia]

It's really awesome. I'm glad that you posted it. Though it may not have gone exactly in the direction you planned it's still.. awesome. hahah.

[Ricardy Ricot]

I am not much into poems, so I don't really know what to say. I recognize the style is good though

[MachinaWriter]

Thanks for reading it ^^ I was trying to paint the picture of some really s****y motel rooms I had to live in a while back. And the depression I was also going through, which was just fueled by the place I was in amongst many other things. The smell, the bugs, and the ceaseless screaming of fake moans from the girl in the room next to me. I actually don't write poetry that much. I'm a story writer, with mainly fantasy as my chosen genre. Its only been over the last few days that I've been on a poetry kick for some reason lol

[Marcos Berenguer]

No problem! I've written a few stories. The mood is similar, especially the 2nd story. Only thing is, I didn't actually experience what the character describes. I like 1st person writing--to me, it's so much easier to write and when you read it, it's easier to imagine.