Chapter One- Departures

Aeryn, a bright young mage sets off for the capitol hoping to join the famed Arcaeni. At the same time Ry'us, a brazen red head, leaves for the city with the goal of finding his real parents...

The train station was a bustling center of activity. It was only a little over a decade ago that the Emperor decided to put funds into a public transportation system that would link the entire country. And in that time it had transformed what had been a small village of but a hundred or so country folk into a thriving trade station. It was needless to say that the mayor was probably quite pleased with the attention his small town was now making. 
           

After all, the Brandictown Train Station was the only station within a hundred miles of the surrounding countryside. It was for this very same reason that Aeryn Marcus Eldrin was in this town. He was a young boy of seventeen years old, and in the city he'd still be considered a child. Long blonde hair that sat in a mess upon his head and a thin, lithe form were his most noticeable characteristics. Aeryn sat on a bench at the train station, scribbling excitedly in a little red pocketbook.
           

This was it. This was actually it! He couldn't help but feel jittery at the idea. Euromeian, the Grand City. Central Capitol of all Caldea and he was heading there! For such a long trip he carried with him very little. There was a small red backpack sitting next to him, but most curious was the long wooden stick leaning against the bench's side. There was very little remarkable about the stick, except a crudely carved design that spiraled from the leather wrapped handle in the center of the staff all the way up to its tip. A few oddly shaped leaf designs stuck out here and there. 
           

"But Mommy, I don't want bubby to go!" said a small voice off to Aeryn’s side. Aeryn looked over as a little girl tugged at the leg of a young man, throwing a pouty face at the woman behind her who could only be the mother. He watched as the boy, who couldn't have been more then a year or two older then Aeryn (though admittedly taller), stopped and knelt in front of the girl.

            "Hey. What are you crying about? I promise the second I get settled in Euromeian I'll let you come and visit." He said, smiling. The girl gave him the pouty face in turn.

            "You promise?" He smiled at her, nodding his head.

            "Promise." The little girl gave him a quick hug, letting go only as he stood up. Aeryn watched as the boy approached the woman, who must have been his mom. She smiled at him, wiping away fast approaching tears.

            "The Militant's gonna take good care of me, ma. Don't worry so much." Aeryn looked away, staring off as more people entered the Train Station. He suddenly wished his dad could have made it here. He thought sorely of the sickness he'd caught recently and how it kept him in the house most of the time. His father, who had always been strong, always the one to help out, bed-ridden. I'll have a doctor for you soon, dad. I promise. Aeryn thought, forcing himself to smile. Then he could come and visit him in Euromeian. After all, that was the whole point of his travelling. He knew that once he made it to the city, he’d be able to get his father the doctor he desperately needed.

Yeah. That's what'll happen. Even if I have to drag him there myself. Aeryn thought, a smile on his lips. The grin widened as he heard a loud whistle. His heart leapt as the train came to a screeching halt by the platform. 
           

“All aboard the train to Euromeian! Make sure to show your passes to the ticketmaster before boarding and have a nice trip!”
           

Aeryn stood up, tossing his bag over one shoulder and picking up the wooden staff. He took a deep breath, watching as the other passengers boarded the train, including the boy from earlier. This was it. Euromeian.

"No backing down now. Its all or nothing." He said aloud. Then he made his way through the crowds. He briefly wondered how many of these people were trying to join one of the Guilds. There were so many of them, at least a few dozen. And that was on this train alone! He'd always known there would be competition when he tried to join. He just had to prove he was the best. 
           

"Thank you for boarding Caldean Trains. Enjoy your ride, young sir." The ticketmaster said before handing him his stub. He nodded, stepping in and looking around. The train was just as nice as his father had said it was! Each of the seats faced tables and they were all lined with crimson colored seats and carpets. Dark redwood tables and dashes lined the walls and filled the center, polished to a bright sheen that glowed with the lights above. He smiled, taking his seat near the back and looking out the window. People stood on the platform and he spotted the girl and her mom, waving at the people on the train. His eyes widened as the girl looked right at him, tilting her head as if curious who this was staring at them. She grabbed her mommy's leg, tugging on her pants and pointing at him. The mom looked. There was a brief moment and then suddenly both the mom and the girl started waving. He laughed, rubbing the back of his neck before waving back. 
           

And then the train was moving. There was a low pitched whistle from the front, then a whirring noise as the pistons began to turn. It was slow at first, but it slowly began picking up speed. The people on the platform were waving as they receded out of view. Several of the people on the train rushed to the left side windows to peek out and wave at their families and friends. But soon enough they were out of sight and everyone returned to their seats. A couple of people were still standing, trying to get their bags situated in the storage bins, or talking to the train attendants. Aeryn's seat was as of yet still empty.

            Aeryn pulled out his pocketbook, flipping to one page in particular. It was one he had stared at numerous times over the last month. A simple sketch of boats on a river, etched out in black ink. It was no better than any of his other drawings. Less so, in fact. But every time he looked at it, he felt a surge of pride.
           

It had been less than a month since he learned of his ability, but the moment was as clear in his head as if it had happened just moments before he'd boarded this train. A smile crept to his lips just thinking about it. It had been at the beginning of the Spring Festival. He'd been working on making his father a walking stick. His birthday was only a week after Spring Festival, so it was the perfect time to get started. 
           

It was tradition in Riverside that during Spring Festival people would sail their riverboats from the north bridge to the end of town. It was a long race, but it was all pretty much just for fun. Unfortunately, there was an accident. The cliffs that lined the opposite side of the river had a rockslide. Aeryn had climbed to a small hill to draw the boats as they passed, and it was from this position that he saw one of the boats round the corner, unaware of the danger. People were shouting from the riverside, but the man and his wife just kept rowing.

            Aeryn didn't wait even a second. He jumped into the water and began swimming towards the boat. The cliffs were trembling harder, and the man noticed just as Aeryn pulled himself into the boat. But it was too late. A boulder came tumbling down and then...he couldn't describe it. The rock came to a dead halt right over their heads! It never even touched the boat, as if it had rolled over an invisible dome around them. 
           

Of course, Grandma Minoa cracked his skull for it. 'You tryin' to get yourself killed, boy?' But no one was hurt and he discovered a secret. He could use magic! Somehow, he'd used it to save those people (and himself, but that's beside the point). Grandma Minoa decided he was clearly skilled enough to go to the city and get training, if that's what he so desired. After all, it was in Euromeian that the famed Guild of the Arcaeni resided. 'They'd be fools not to accept you. And tell them if they don't, I've got a cane waiting for them!' 
           

Aeryn chuckled at the memory, rubbing his head sorely. Of course, his father had questioned it. He'd outright said no in the beginning. The Arcaeni were a government Guild of mages. The best in the world. If you had the skill, then it was with them that you made a name for yourself. In the end, it was Grandma Minoa that convinced him. When his father got sick, Aeryn promised he'd find a doctor in the city who could help him. Or he'd come back and heal him himself. And he'd be damned if he was gonna break his promise.

            “Can I sit there?” Aeryn snapped the book shut just as someone plopped down in the seat across from him. He was a tall red-head, and before Aeryn could even say anything the older looking boy had thrown his feet up on the table and closed his eyes. Aeryn blinked, shutting his mouth speechlessly. "I hope you don't mind, but I'd appreciate if I'm not disturbed. Wake me up when we reach Euromeian, kid."

            Aeryn opened his mouth to say something, but the guy had a look to him that said clearly he wouldn't listen anyways. He decided that as long as the guy kept true to his word and stayed asleep, they'd get along just fine...


 ::

            There's something about trains that's just absolutely amazing. Was it the combustion engine powerful enough to turn hundreds of pistons that in turn rotated even more wheels? Was it the iron cast body that hid elegantly crafted seats and tables within? Whatever it was, it had Ry'us practically going insane with joy. 
           

"I was just trying to inspect the functioning of the combustion engine, officer. I noted the seal of Marcus Aligney. Is that the Marcus Aligney? The famed inventor of the automobile..." Ry'us said, trying to explain exactly why he'd been caught in the engine room of the train. This was, in itself, rather suspicious considering he was supposed to be riding the train to Euromeian, and this happened to be the train to Lidne Falls. 
           

"So you're trying to tell me that you're supposed to be riding the train to Euromeian..." The officer repeated for the third time. Ry'us wanted to groan as he already knew where this was going. "...but you're on the train to Lidne Falls. Explain to me again how this makes sense." Ry'us felt his shoulders slump, glancing out the window at the platform. If this officer held him here any longer he was going to miss his train. Luckily for him it hadn't shown up...yet. 
           

Ry'us was a tall, wiry built boy. His Uncle used to comment on how he had a good boxer build. Long arms, you see? But his most noticeable characteristic was his fiery red hair. It was an unusual trait to see out in the countryside, and something that unfortunately tended to make him a target.
           

"Listen. I rode this train from Lidne Falls. My next train is the one to Euromeian. I can show you my connection tickets." He pulled out his tickets. One of them was a stub with a whole punched into the corner that said clearly in bold print "Lidney Falls to Brantictown". The other one was clear and said "Brantictown to Euromeian.". The officer examined both of these for a good long minute. It was at that very moment that the train to Euromeian came to a screeching halt in front of the platform. Ry'us' eyes widened. 
           

"Wait here one moment." The officer said, walking away to the ticket booth. Ry'us turned, watching helplessly as the man left.
           

"Wait! That's my...train." His shoulders slumped in defeat. He watched as the officer showed the tickets to the man at the booth, who looked over them. There was a brief conversation, then the ticketperson pulled out one of the thickets books he'd ever seen and opened the first page. "Great. Just great. I'm gonna miss my train. Then what am I gonna do?!" He muttered, shaking his head and tapping his foot impatiently. The last few people were boarding the train now. 
           

Last ones on for the train to Euromeian!

He nearly panicked as he heard those words. Just then the officer walked away from the ticket booth. 
           

"Okay Mr. Mikaen, everything seems to be in order. Sorry about the--" Ry'us snatched the tickets from his hand without a word, turning and sprinting towards the train. 
           

"Thank you, sorry about the trouble, got to go!" The train let out a loud whistle and slowly started to roll away. His heart jolted and he sped up, sprinting after it. He ran beside the door where the ticketmaster inside was staring at him with a confused expression. "Open up! I'm a passenger! I'm a passenger d****t!" He cursed, lifting his ticket so the man could see. His eyes widened as he saw it and he quickly opened the door. The train was at the end of the platform. He'd have to jump. He took one last sharp breath, leaping off the platform towards the door. His heart plummeted, then suddenly hands grabbed him and pulled him inside. The door slammed shut behind him.
            "D****t kid, you sure do cut it close. Ticket please." Ry'us was breathless, simply nodding as he held out the ticket, still firmly grasped in his hand. The ticketmaster had to tug a few times to get him to release it. The man's eyes scanned it, then punched a hole in its side, nodding to him. "Please, have a sit and enjoy the trip." Ry'us nodded, walking towards the back of the car.

There were at least thirty people in this car alone, and there were almost a dozen cars to this train. He eyed one seat in the back that was only occupied by a single person, a young blonde boy, nose buried in a little red pocketbook. 
           

"Can I sit there?” He gestured to the seat. Before the boy even had a chance to say anything Ry'us plopped down in the seat, kicking his legs on the table in front of him and throwing his arms behind his head. This was it. Now for the hard part. "I hope you don't mind, but I'd appreciate if I'm not disturbed. Wake me up when we reach Euromeian, kid." And with that he closed his eyes, settling down to relax. He wasn't quite sure what he'd find in Euromeian. Maybe nothing at all. He wondered what that would be like, going there to find he had nothing there in the first place. He pushed the thought aside. It was too long a trip to think about stuff like that...


Author's Note

I'm not looking for grammatical criticism. Please try and keep the reviews about the style, content, and delivery of the work.

Reviews

[Victorious]

Dear MachinaWriter,

This is how I do reviews for novels. I detail it from its negatives and close with its positives. Honestly, I found the whole chapter to be too passive. It appears as though you are "telling" me rather than "showing" me the train station and the characters in it. For example, "The train station was a bustling center of activity." Instead to make this an active sentence, you could write, "the train station bustled with a center of activity and business." Another example, "There was a low pitched whistle from the front, then a whirring noise as the pistons began to turn," instead to make this an active sentence, you may write, "A whirring noise erupted as the pistons began to turn and the low pitch whistle, screamed like a kettle." Basically, you take the "there was" and "there were's" making them into something that shows and details action versus you just saying it happened. Another example is explaining how the inside of the train looked. Instead you could have Aeryn sit down at the table, rubbing his hands across the something that catches his eye. Speaking of eyes, why did Aeryn widen his eyes when he looked at the girl while he was in the train. "His eyes widened as the girl looked right at him, tilting her head as if curious who this was staring at them." It seemed out of character for Aeryn to me.

As for the beginning, I felt that there was too much back-story introduced all in the first chapter, like an infodump. I have noted that Aeryn is an artistic, mature, but impulsive to save or try to do the right thing. He was raised by his grandparents, I suppose. My advice is to throw in a little at a time. For example, when you mention his telekinesis power. Why not have him lift something or have a small accident, maybe try to hold his drink in mid air only to have it stay for a while, then fall? Something to portray his gift rather than tell about it. Also more advice, try adding smells and tastes and overall imagery showing the countryside train station. Get a fill of your setting. What is a normal day like there?

Also, Ry'us gave Aeryn a stern look, right? How was the stern look? You could have added some description in there to make it truly give off the gesture of not wanting to listen.

You could have started from where it says "All aboard the train to Euromenian!" and that would have been fine. Then after Aeryn said this was it. Euromenian. Then talk about his determination to bring back medicine for his father.

As for Ry'us, I find him to be quite the interesting character. He is rowdy and rude. I enjoyed, however, the turn of point of views, almost like a reflected point of view and very interesting indeed. I enjoy the idea of becoming a mage. Sounds interesting as I don't hear about mages a lot or the point of views of them anyways.

Despite all the telling, I loved the characterization of Ry'us. He has to be my favorite character right now. Maybe it's because I like the underdog, I don't know, lol. Once again good job on the reflected point of view. I cannot tell the plot just yet. Message me if you do not understand something.

Sincerely Victorious

God bless you!

[MachinaWriter]

That is something I have noted a lot in my writing. Passive language is my default, I suppose, and the fact that someone else is mentioning it means that I'm on the right track in figuring out my faults as a writer. Thank you. This whole first part was kind of haphazardly put together, but I definitely feel that it gets stronger with the other parts. I'd love to see your views on the next few chapters.

Ry'us is my favorite, as well, which I think is probably my problem. I like him too much, and I feel that it may be hurting my characterization of Aeryn. I did, however, like your synopsis of Aeryn. That's exactly what I was trying to get across with him, and the fact that you listed it that way at least gives me some hope on the direction I'm going with him.

As far as the point of Aeryn demonstrating his power goes, I omitted it for a reason. He doesn't understand how it works, or where it comes from. It was an accident, which he doesn't even know how to recreate. I'm thinking I should emphasis this fact more in this chapter, because I was wanting to make it so that when he achieves the things he does later, its a strong contrast to where he began. Another thing I should improve on in this chapter.

Again, I really appreciate your thoroughness. Out of all the criticism I've attained, yours has been the most helpful, and I would definitely love to see your thoughts on the rest of this work. I can promise you, I've written down notes based off what you've said here to look at when I redo this first part. ^^

[Victorious]

In that case, for Aeryn I advise you to delve into his character some more. Round him down. He is an artist, right? Therefore, he might notice some things in Euromenian that others overlook. You ought to know. We are writers. We try to find finger ways to describe things. Same thing with an artist, only visual aspects. Cause when he looked at his picture of the sailboats and felt pride. It seemed vague. Get into his head and mold him into somebody you would like to know just like Ry'us, but with a different personality. I see, his power comes out in sporadic bursts, okay then. I understand that.

[Hester Vane]

Well, firstly thank you for reviewing my work! I followed your request in my review and thought I would read your story, as we seem to like the same genre. And i have to say, this is great. Your structure and language is effortlessy brilliant. It is very well written which helps shape the world you have created very well. The formatting is great too, I like the use of iltalics to show memories. They style fits the world you have created perfectly. Please send me a RR if you want me to read more chapters beacause i definatley will! Well done. I am working on other fantasy/supernatural stories if you wish to read them as your view would be apperciated. Well done again! Great job.

[Ricardy Ricot]

Wow! Very good. I think I will also continue reading the other chapters. I do hope you have the whole book available. Now I want to read it all. I could not find anything out of place to comment about :P

[MachinaWriter]

lol Thank you. I've got nine of the chapters up so far, but I'll be posting them as I write them.

[Ricardy Ricot]

Ah ok, good