Rowdy and The Red Ball

A game of kickball goes horribly wrong and results in a close encounter with a pirate principal.

Rowdy grew up in a small town where the summers were hot and the winters were cold.  The town was full of old people and old buildings.  In fact, everything in town was old.  The people, the buildings, the schools, the cars and even the dogs were old and worst of all the old things had to be the teachers at Rowdy’s school.  He went to school with the people in town who weren’t old; his friends.  There was Jack and Fluff and Sid and Lucy.  They were the best of friends and were all in Miss Buzzard’s third grade class at the old school where they had gone since Kindergarten.  Miss. Buzzard was a mean old maid who had to be at least 35 years old.  She took particular pleasure in shaking her bony old finger in her student’s faces for absolutely no reason at all, especially Rowdy’s.  He was a perfect angel as far as he was concerned and never did anything wrong.

 One day during recess when Rowdy, Jack, Fluff, Sid, and Lucy were playing kick ball, Rowdy kicked a ball so hard that it went higher and further than any ball that had ever been kicked before or since, in the wrong direction.  Because that ball went so high and so far, in the wrong direction, it landed right between mean old Miss Buzzard and scary old Ms. Archapple  “Rooooowwwwwwwwwdy!” Miss Buzzard howled.  Everyone froze.  Her face was the reddest red ever and Rowdy’s was the whitest white ever.  Miss Buzzard stomped her mean old shoes toward the field where Rowdy stood frozen by fear while Jack, Fluff, Sid and Lucy scattered like roaches.  Miss Buzzard marched right up to Rowdy, pinched his earlobe between her bony thumb and index finger and dragged him off to the principle, Mr. Baker. 

Everyone knew what happened in Mr. Baker’s office.  The older students say that he keeps a paddle that’s 8’ long and 4’ wide with holes in it so that it makes an extra loud THWAP sound when it meets the unfortunate bottom of unfortunate children who have earned a trip to his office.  Miss Buzzard kicked open the door that led into the school and down the long shiny hallway past the Mr. James the custodian’s office, through the lobby, under the skylight, into the office, past the secretary’s desk and through the big scary door with no windows, right into Mr. Baker’s office.  Rowdy stood in front of the big old desk.  He hung his head and his legs began shaking like the orange Jello that is served with lunch every day but nobody eats.  Rowdy had never met Mr. Baker let alone been sent to the office before and he was scared.  He looked up slowly and behind the desk sat a tall, bald, old pirate.  Well, Rowdy thought that his shiny, bald head, gray beard and little glasses made him look like a pirate anyway. “This!” snorted Miss Buzzard, pausing to try to catch her breath. She started again,  “This hooligan attacked me with a red rubber ball on the play ground!” She huffed and puffed some more this time spitting just a little, still holding tight to poor Rowdy’s earlobe, which had now gone numb.  Say it don’t spray it, lady Rowdy thought to himself but didn’t dare say.  Normally, this would have cracked Rowdy up.  He was so terrified still that he didn’t even smile on the inside.  The pirate principal said, “Thank you Miss Buzzard.” without even looking up from behind his old people reading glasses.  Miss Buzzard stood there waiting for more from Mr. Baker, perhaps hoping to witness first hand the paddling that was sure to happen. Then Captain Baker the pirate principle spoke again, even louder this time, “I said, thank you Miss Buzzard.  You may leave now.”  Miss Buzzard turned quickly and stomped out of his office and her mean old shoes click clacked down the hallway.  “Here it comes.” thought Rowdy. “Sit.” commanded Mr. Baker.  So, Rowdy Sat.  “In a chair Rowdy.” said Mr. Baker.  Rowdy rose quickly from his seat on the floor and moved to one of the two chairs in front of Mr. Baker’s desk.  “Now what brings you into my office today Rowdy?” Mr. Baker said calmly, continuing to read whatever it was he was reading when Rowdy first arrived. Rowdy thought for a moment, “Oh, just figured I’d drop in and see how you were doing.” said Rowdy.  “You know Captain Baker, we’ve never actually met.”  He continued.  “Captain Baker?” asked the pirate principle. Rowdy gulped nervously and took an extra deep breath.  “It was an accident!  I didn’t mean to! I just kicked the ball and it went up and up and up and then the wind and then it came down. I promise it was an accident!”  Rowdy told Mr. Baker all about the hardest, highest, furthest kick (in the wrong direction) that there had ever been on the old school’s, old playground and how it had accidentally almost hit the two old teachers.  He sat there, shaking worse than ever, awaiting his sentence from the pirate principal.  Would it be the paddle?  Would he have to walk the plank?  Does the old school even have an old plank to walk?  Mr. Baker cleared his throat and looked Rowdy right in the eyes.  “Here it comes.” thought Rowdy as he closed his eyes tight knowing he was going to get the paddle or the plank.  “Try to be more careful Rowdy.” muttered Mr. Baker.  “Go on.  Back out to recess Rowdy.”  Rowdy opened one eye half way and turned his face back toward Mr. Baker who had returned to his reading.  Rowdy opened the other eye slowly and relaxed his face.  “Rowdy?” Mr. Baker asked.  “Aye Captain?” Rowdy replied curiously.  “Go.” demanded Mr. Baker.  “Go where Mr. Baker?” inquired Rowdy.  “Away Rowdy!”  barked Mr. Baker.  Rowdy stood quickly, spun on his heel and high tailed it out of the office. “Oh Rowdy” Mr. Baker called after him.  Rowdy froze in his tracks.  “Anymore trouble out of you and you’ll be swabbing the deck.” Rowdy’s eyes got big and he walked quickly past the secretary’s desk, back under the skylight, through the lobby, back down the long shiny hallway, trying his hardest not to run, and past Mr. James the custodian’s office, through the door and back out onto the playground.

Rowdy stepped onto the play ground and immediately doubled over with his hands on his knees trying to catch his breath.  After a moment he looked up to find Jack, Fluff, Sid, and Lucy crowding around him.  Lucy circled Rowdy looking for paddle marks.  Jack, Fluff and Sid began to interview Rowdy, “How many times did you get it?” asked Jack.  “Where did he hit you?” demanded Fluff. “Did it hurt? Did you see the plank?” Sid asked frantically.  Lucy threw her arms around Rowdy thankful he was ok. “Ewwww!” the others said together.  Just then the bell rang.  Rowdy and Lucy blushed while the group walked to line up to go inside. She gave him a little punch in the shoulder and a crooked smile.  It didn’t help any that Fluff and Sid were chanting, “Rowdy n Lucy, sittin’ in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g” as they lined up.  Jack looked at Rowdy and offered him a fist bump.  Jack knew that Rowdy could have done a lot worse.  After all, Lucy was the coolest girl in the school and Miss Buzzard disliked her just as much as she disliked Rowdy, Jack, Sid, and Fluff so she had to be a bit of all right.

When Rowdy got back into class and took his seat at his desk he was still in complete disbelief about his narrow escape from the pirate principal.  Rowdy looked around the classroom.  The blank faces of his friends and classmates had never looked so good to him.  Then he turned and looked at the kid sitting next to him.  His name was Digger and he was a world class nose picker.  Rowdy looked at Digger just in time to see him pull a humungous booger from his nose and place it carefully under the top of his desk. “Gross.” Rowdy thought to himself as he almost gagged. As gross as Digger is, Rowdy was pleased to be sitting comfortably next to him rather than on a bottom that had just been paddled or in soggy clothes from having walked the plank.  Rowdy had faced the pirate principle and lived to tell about it.  He was a hero to all the not old people in his 3rd grade class now especially Lucy.

 

Author's Note

1st draft, not edited for grammer yet. Seeking peer review. Some of the wording is intentionally structured to add to the "young" tone of the story. Target audience is K-3 I'm thinking. Intended as a picture book, needing illustrations. Please comment good or bad. Thanks!!!

Reviews

[Post Pen]

Like it. Can't wait to read more. My reviews tend to be a little aggressive. Sorry if I come off that way. I really do think it's good - Nancy

He went to school with the (only) people in town who weren’t old; his friends.

There was Jack and Fluff and Sid and Lucy. They were the best of friends and were all in Miss Buzzard’s third grade class at the old school where they had gone since Kindergarten. - consider introducing your characters as they come into the story.

Here the "old" stuff is getting old.

She took particular pleasure in shaking her bony old finger in her student’s faces (for absolutely no reason at all, - cut) especially Rowdy’s.

He was a perfect angel as far as he was concerned and never did anything wrong. - cut

James the custodian’s office, - seems planted - I'm guessing the janitor plays a role later in the story. Wait...

big scary door - too many adjectives, how about monstrous door?

that is served with lunch every day but nobody eats. -too long - ...from the lunchroom?

and behind the desk sat a tall, bald, old pirate, Mr ... - cool

Well, Rowdy thought that his shiny, bald head, gray beard and little glasses made him look like a pirate anyway. - delete - let the reader fill in the blanks about what he looks like.

Say it don’t spray it, lady Rowdy thought to himself(.) but didn’t dare say. - when you said thought we knew he didn't say it. - cut

Normally, this would have cracked Rowdy up. He was so terrified still that he didn’t even smile on the inside. - cut - keep the interaction between the characters crisp.

You may leave now.” -cut- we got it.

Miss Buzzard turned quickly and stomped out of his office(.) (Add -Rowdy could hear) her mean old shoes click clack down the hallway. (“Here it comes.” thought Rowdy. - cut) “Sit.” commanded Mr. Baker. (So, Rowdy Sat.- cut) “In a chair Rowdy.” (Buzzard never introduced him and he's never been to the principal before) said Mr. Baker. - we can see this whole scene in our heads and it's somehow more comical without all of your cometary. If Rowdy knew to sit then we would know what the command meant.


asked the pirate principle.- cut. You get there. Restraint. Too many "pirates."

Rowdy gulped nervously and took an extra deep breath.- cut - it seems to me he would get more comfortable here. He has already used "Captain" casually. Let him relax a bit here.

...old school’s (, old - cut) playground and how it had accidentally (almost - cut) hit the two old teachers. - I can't believe even Buzzard would have been so mad if it hadn't actually hit her.

He sat there(, shaking worse than ever, - cut) awaiting his sentence from the pirate principal. Would it be the paddle?

Does the old school even have an old plank (to walk - cut)?

(Back out to recess Rowdy.” - cut) we got it. Stated twice.

demanded Mr. Baker. - cut - dialog between two characters is divided into paragraphs - you don't need to use the name each time. Try this further up as well.
e.g.
“Rowdy?”
“Aye Captain?”
“Go.”
“Go where Mr. Baker?”
“Away Rowdy!” - Make the principal calm here - he's reading. Not at all mad at Rowdy. Clean up the emotions in this office encounter. Fear, anger, curiosity, informal, relaxed... A little confusing. Know how your character feels and stick with it.

(Rowdy’s eyes got big and - here he smiles, eyes got big doesn't tell us anything - scared? - this is funny!) he walked (skipped?) quickly past the secretary’s desk, back under the skylight, through the lobby, back down the long shiny hallway, trying his hardest not to run, and past Mr. James the custodian’s office, through the door and back out onto the playground. - cut the custodian - he isn't a character yet.

walked quickly - Rowdy stepped onto the play ground and immediately doubled over with his hands on his knees trying to catch his breath. - even if the child had run he wouldn't be that out of breath...

Jack, Fluff and Sid began to interview Rowdy, - cut, you just named them.

Rowdy and Lucy blushed while the group walked to line up to go inside. - cut - I doubt this age would blush. Lucy would just let go and back away. - OK, love the punch.

Jack looked at Rowdy and offered him a fist bump. - First bump? I'm not familiar.

After all(, Lucy was the coolest girl in the school and - cut) Miss Buzzard disliked her just as much as she disliked Rowdy, Jack, Sid, and Fluff so she had to be a bit of all right. - This age group doesn't do attraction in the romantic sense - at all.

(When)Rowdy got back into class and took his seat at his desk(.)

He was still in complete disbelief about . - cut -
Suggestion - Wow, his narrow escape from the pirate principal had been a close one.

Then he turned and looked at the kid sitting next to him. His name was Digger and he was a world class nose picker.
Suggestion ---He turned to Digger, the world class nose picker that sat next to him.
(Just then Digger took) a humungous booger from his nose and place it carefully under the top of his desk. Gross, Rowdy (thought to himself as he - cut) almost gagged.

- Please review mine: http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/doulasaz/1190709/