You Who is Sleeping Away From the World

Our drifting apart and your death will always remain a scar in my heart. Only if we talk more. Only if I pester you to talk then will there be a change?

Thinking back, all I could recall is your laughter, your teases and your jovial self. Everything about you is like having fun under the sun. You were my first ever closest boy friend since elementary and also my frenemy. My rival in honors as we always compete for top 1. You were my shield in every gala because Lola knows you. The one who always accompany me when I went out of my house and when I went home so that I will not be scolded. Sometimes you were my playmate, the only person I am allowed to play together with in other houses (well, always at your house). My anime buddy. My tandem in SpongeBob show. You were always my partner in crime as we decided to bully our classmate and we almost never quarrel. 

Back then, I love to ship you with our friends and close schoolmates so that you would finally have a lovelife though our parents push us two together and we just laugh at it as we never had any romantic feelings for each other though we often act like we did just for fun. Aside from that, I always set you up for dates or anything just so you can have a girlfriend but sadly you never did. 

We graduated high school and I thought we'll separate ways only to find out that we are studying in the same university and the same college department. Although we don't see each other very often, we still find time to laugh and talk together even it was just for a short time.  It had continued until we finally graduated and move towards our own goals in life.  We were so close yet suddenly we were not. I didn't know how it happened or when but we just drift apart. Unknowingly or perhaps it was only me?

I keep on recalling everything but nothing comes to my mind as to why we became like this. Why, out of nowhere our friendship had fell apart. As far as I remembered, we didn't have any fight during our college days. We parted ways with smiles as we move forward to our goals. I was confident that everything will be the same as always so why? Was it because we are too busy with our works? With our own lives? Could it be? We had been so busy with our own lives that maybe we had forgot to spare a little time to get together. But it was fine I thought. I believe it was fine because I knew you. However, for some chance I thought of you so I prep myself in sending you a message and know what I found out? You unfriended me in Facebook which I found so unusual, so unlike you. Disregarding it I added you again. I've been trying to reach you out with all of your social accounts I know but as months passed, all I received was silence. Still, I persisted. Greeting you for every occasion, sending you wishes for your birthday and even simple hi and hello every single day but there is only silence and nothing more. Later I got busy with my work again, coaching students for competitions, teaching and many more but still I think it is fine, you know it was fine, it was supposedly fine because I knew you were happy living your life, fulfilling your dreams with your family but then at the middle of my hectic schedule I receive a news, a news of you passing and I was devastated. I was left speechless and of course in denial. Only to find that it was true. You got away. You were the first one to leave. You suddenly left without warning. You left so fast. 

I thought everything would be fine because I know I would still have time to reach you that you are just one arm away but how wrong I am. You know I can accept that our connection had became distant but not this kind of drifting apart where you are forever gone and we haven't even talk properly after college. I know there's no point for what ifs but I wanted answers. I don't want these questions get buried together with you. I don't want these questions be forever left unanswered. I might sound bitter but I wanted peace for your passing too. I wanted to know why did you cut me off from your life as well as with your other close friends then take your own life? You were so confident, brave, independent and lively. You were living your life happily amidst of life struggles but why? Or perhaps it was only us who thought you were happy? Was everything just a lie or your make believe story? Reminiscing, I realized that you never told us about your problems. You always focus on people around you than talking about yourself. I ignore it because I want you to be the one who will talk first . I waited and maybe it was my biggest mistake. Maybe I should have pester you about it, I should have made you talk however it wont work anymore. For a dead will never talk again. All their feelings, their secrets and even their problems will be buried with them and it will haunt the living forever. After all regret weighs heavier when you are living than when you are dead and hence, this regret of mine will always follow me until the day I will die. But I will gladly embrace this regret and for when we meet one more time, let's play and talk again like usual okay? This time, it is your turn to wait. I love you. I will always miss you. Till our next life Pee.

Author's Note

Just this year I lost my male bestfriend since elementary. It really had hurt me because I believe that there's a lot of things we have to talk ever since he decided to cut me off his life without me knowing anything. It hurts me to know that he left us without telling anything. He left just like the wind.