Childhood's End

We all grow up.. And we change..

I know my efforts were futile

When I talk about space and galaxies

And about aliens invade the earth

When you smiled with that grown up face

"What a well made story"

Right there I realized

The cheeky boy I once knew was no longer there

 

"Hey let's watch the stars today"

You said way back then

But now it has become a distant memory

You had change like seasons do

As autumn turns into winter

And flowers bloomed for spring

But why is it that I’m the only one who didn’t?

 

"Please don't walk too fast"

That’s what I want to say

But your back, I never noticed it had grown so wide

You are not a child anymore

 

Once you graduate you'll leave the town

That's what I’ve heard

Time really flies fast and it didn’t wait for us

But still I believe, in this sliver hope

If it was really a well made story

Then maybe all were just lies

 

As I run to the hill we always go

To watch the stars and constellation we know

I still even know their stories and myth

When once you forced me to read

The book about space you like so much

Like how Ursa Major was once a woman Zeus fell in love

 

But it was all nothing but a story made up

When I didn’t find you there

And that hope, cold wind blew it away

Alone, I lay down at the sheet of misty grass

Gazing at the starlit sky above

And pray to the coming shooting star

"May you find happiness on the path you take"

Perhaps this is really it.

Finally, our childhood ends

Author's Note

Free verse? Dunno though. Just wrote it coz I feel like writing it. Based from Kagamine Rin song. Yes a vocaloid. I just really love them.

Reviews

[Nigel Newman]

MP Hi. I was passing and carer upon this. I was struck by its overall mood and feeling. I think you've painted very well and very sensitively the effect upon relationships as we go through life's stages, and the impact of changing at different times; that sense of drifting apart. So it's sort of beautiful, sad, but mainly very evocative. All sorts of movies and books and poems about this, of course, but that's because it really happens and can be so poignant.

If you happen to have seen any other reviews I've done you'll notice I can make several 'suggestions' about grammar, punctuation, etc. I could do just the same here! Yes 'free verse' allows latitude, but .... However, tweaking can sometimes undermine the feel and ambience, so needs to be done with great care. Might be best to leave it as it is.

Regards
Nigel

[Nigel Newman]

came upon this .... where 'carer' came from I have no idea!

[yuhee]

Really I feel honored to receive such comment from you. Thank you very much. I'll keep your advice/suggestion in mind. Thanks again.

[Nigel Newman]

OK here's a few suggested edits for you to consider
- V1 first 2 lines; either have both bits in past tense or present tense ('were' 'talked', for example)
- V1 L3 aliens invading
- V2 L4 changed
- V2 L5/6 same thing about consistent tense (turned/bloomed or turns/blooms)
- V4 L4 presumably you either mean silver hope or sliver of hope
- V4 L6 Then maybe all were just lies???? Do you mean the folk who you heard talking about graduating. My guess is that it's the whole talk of graduating you think is lies' but your wording is a bit clunky
- V5 L1 we always go to, or even 'as I run to 'our' hill'
- V5 L2 constellations
- V5 L2/L3 try and change one of the uses of 'know' to another word
- V5 L3 myths
- V5 L6 in love with (thanks for this insight into greek mythology - I'm hopeless on this stuff!!!)
- V6 L2/3 ideally you shouldn't use a comma where a stronger punctuation would be better. I would also suggest 'Or that hope' rather than 'And' .... When I didn’t find you there / Or that hope. Cold wind blew it away
- V6 L4 on the sheet rather than 'at'
- V6 L5/6 could just as easily be 'prayed'. It all depends on whether you mean L4 'lay' as past or something more like 'these days I go and lay there'. And you need to match this with the 'gazing' part. So for example, if this is something you're currently doing, say each night, then it might read like this "Alone, I lay down [on] the sheet of misty grass
And gaze at the starlit sky above
And pray to the coming ..."

Hope these help.

[Zoya]

This is just beautiful. Got no words to explain it. Very well written!

[yuhee]

Thank you so much Zoe.

[Asmae]

owww i liike this one x))

[yuhee]

Thank you. Glad to know you like it. :D