Broken

 

Walk me away from all sorrows walk me away from all pain

If you look and happen to see the strobe lights within me wane

Let the dark holes in my soul be filled with my own storied art

Don’t shed a tear for me little one or my crimson scarred heart

 

Ocean waves of promise for years I thought would come in and beach

Yet for each parting day with the bitter wind my soul to leech

Lay me down no light and love and songs to guide me home to you

Till I crack and all the colours peel and nothing is my due

 

Raised always on that harsh arid platform of cold concrete panes

 Broken bloody promises that edges my worth and now stains

Living always with the shadow of night shining on my day

You the prize had me clutching straws until I lost my way

 

Here I am dreams unfulfilled and a repeat of yesterday

 Let my escape be the chattering head that embroiders clay

The stars that shine above remind me of loss and boldly ache

Let me enjoy the hopes of thoughts that only I can fake

 

Let me smell the rain and see the rainbow and my heart still soars

My mind always wanders and is lost forever from safe shores

 

 

Reviews

[Cascara (aka Sprint Goe..]

The last stanza is my favorite- it shows some hope and a sense of moving on from so much pain. And the part of your mind wandering was a splendid touch- our minds can either divert or submerge us from pains- it really shows how strong our thoughts can really be.

[MOON]

Many thanks, take care!

[Zahra]

Beautiful imagery and rhyming. Very nice!

[MOON]

Thanks for the kind comments.

[SHEEMA HUQ]

What a sad string of emotions tied in with artfully expressed actions, I sense the desperation of spirit at times, devastation, followed by resignation, superb writing from you as ever, Moon

[MOON]

Thanks Sheema, most appreciated.
Take care!

[kublakhan27]

Your imagery and sense of rhyme is so striking and vivid...yours is the kind of poetry that I think lends itself well to paintings...stunning :)

(I know I don't review your work as often as I should but my subscriptions pile up pretty quick and I find it hard to keep up...feel free to send RRs at any time though, they're easier for me to keep track of ;))

[MOON]

Hi , no problem thanks for the review, always look forward to it.
Take care!

[kublakhan27]

And you as well :)

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Moon

I thought I would pop over and see how you are getting on.

So I thought I would pick this off the top of your list to review.

It did not frankly surprise me on first read that coming from you I immediately had a sense of accomplished writing.

My review.

Structure: Four, four line stanzas with a two line 'envoy' or short parting comment at the end

Rhymes are aabb in the first four stanzas and aa in the last.

As for metre or rhythm, the relative equal length of each line gives a consistent beat which is highly appealing.

So far so good.

Allusion / metaphor and favourite lines:

'If you look and happen to see the strobe lights within me wane'

Powerful imagery.

Next

'Ocean waves of promise for years I thought would come in and beach
'Yet for each parting day with the bitter wind my soul to leech'

The reference to nature and the elements strengthens the tone of piece.

Next and your parting envoy

'Let me smell the rain and see the rainbow and my heart still soars
My mind always wanders and is lost forever from safe shore'

Again you use nature in its different forms to richly colour the poem.

And so to meaning: The only clue that you give is the title 'Broken' and a faded rose in pictorial form.

It is clear from the sentiment expressed in the poem that the protagonist in the first person 'I' is broken. One need only look at my lifts above.

But it immediately begs the question, 'Broken by what?'

You leave at least three clues that this may be being broke by lost love. The following three lines:

'Lay me down no light and love and songs to guide me home to you'

'Broken bloody promises that edges my worth and now stains'

'The stars that shine above remind me of loss and boldly ache'

Perhaps you are talking about another form of personal loss but this is my personal take.

I have nothing to adversely critique or I would have said something by now.

In overview, a richly coloured and eloquent, elegiac and well composed poem which I found alluring.

Thank you for undertaking a review of Split. If you could
continue where you left off I would be very grateful if you felt you could without obligation. I found your reviews very helpful.

My best wishing in parting

Your friend

James

[MOON]

Thanks James always for your thorough reviews and your time , most appreciated.
Will stop by soon!

[James Hanna-Magill]

My complete pleasure, James

[Broken.Words]

Great write :)

[MOON]

Thanks you so much , take care!
Will stop by soon.

[Pax]

I feel every bit of emotions you painted in your verses my friend ~ it's relate-able ~ all is well as long as we know there is always a rainbow after the rain :)

[MOON]

Thanks Pax , go well my friend!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

wow talk about the moon falling...hopes with it...and then having to put on a good face...and move on with life, faking smiles..
this is so sad.

jacob

[MOON]

Thank you so much.

[FJ Davis]

"Here I am dreams unfulfilled and a repeat of yesterday."
A one-line bio that, unfortunately, fits untold millions.
Amazing piece, Moon!

[MOON]

Thanks Frank for your kind words, take care!

[Sami Khalil]

"Let the dark holes in my soul be filled with my own storied art



Don’t shed a tear for me little one or my crimson scarred heart







Ocean waves of promise for years I thought would come in and beach



Yet for each parting day with the bitter wind my soul to leech."
You have captured brokennes marvelously and with great words and sentiments. You are going above and beyond...:)

[MOON]

Thanks Sami , I so appreciate your lovely review. You too kind!

[Sami Khalil]

My pleasure ...Any time...Peace and love...:)