WHEN I AM FEELING SO SAD

How a life can change in a moment of time, and how it can turn around.

On November 29^th, I woke up from sleep about nine o’clock feeling my usual self.  I sat down at my desk to continue my research into the family tree.  Abou two o’clock, my wife comes in with hot buttered cornbread.  It was so sood that morning.  The next thing I know, that cornbread is coming out of the left side of my mouth and down onto shirt and pants below.  I got up, walking as fast as I could down the hallway and into the Family Room where my wife was watching television.  I said to her:  “Jean, I am having a problem and I think I need you to take me to the Hospital.”  She said, “what is wrong?” and I said, “your cornbread is coming out of the left side of my mouth and it won’t stop.”  She said, “OK, let’s go.”

We got into her Chevrolet Malibu and headed down Grasshopper Road and then onto Dolly Pond Road, and made it about 2.5 miles when I realized I could no longer enunciate a single word.  I had lost the ability to communicate.  I was suddenly cutoff.  I then pointed to the side of the road, and pointed to the ON-Star to the hospital/ambulance button.  I was able o say “Ambulance, call Ambulance now.”  That was all I could say for nearly 20 minutes.  The ambulance arrived within 12 minutes with three first responders on board.  Within 5 more minutes, two more vehicles pulled in with 4 more first responders.  They began asking questions about me and what was going.  I tried to talk but just was not able.  Four of them gathered at the door of the Malibu and physically pulled me and my 267 pounds out of the car and then quickly up onto the gurney.  I was in the back of the ambulance within seconds.  I heard the First Responder say “We are headed to Erhlanger, Let’s roll!”  It took us 32 to transit the 28 miles to the hospital.

Upon arrival at the hospital’s Emergency Room entrance, I was quickly taken inside the large wide double doors and received by E.R. staff.  A staff doctor evaluated me and immediately ordered three CT Scans.  I was observed in this area of the E.R. and told that I would be admitted to s NeuroIntensiveCareUnit (an NNICU) as soon as a bed was available.  The bed would come hours later.

The next morning, a NeuroSurgeon came in early the next morning and told me that I had pool of blood just under scull bone, and beneath that was a tumor.  He said he could go in and get it out, and it appeared he could remove It all based on the Scans.  He asked about blood thinners and I told him what I was on and he said: “we will have to wait 3 full days for that to be out of my system before I can do the    surgery.”  I said, Doctor, I don’ seem o have any real good alternatives here.  So, I am ready to do I now and I will be ready when you are ready.”  All this news makes me very sad.  There is nothing that can undo the damage this tumor and bleed has done to me.  I have lost speech ability, fine motor control on the left side of my body, the ability to walk very far or in a straight.  I’ve lost strength in my legs and have a difficult time climbing steps or even getting up.  And since I have had a seizure, I cannot drive a car for six months.

I have lost much, so I was initially very sad, it seemed that I had lost my life and my ability to function.  But, as time has gone by, I developed hope for recovery, and a future.  I had a PET Scan today and will find out the details of my tumor and its mutations, and will soon know if I can be helped.  So for the next few days I will have to wait.  Hopefully, my oncologist and raidiologist will be able to help me.  In any event, I will enjoy my days, weeks, and possibly months in the future.  I will relish each and every day to the best of my ability.  I am preparing myself against the best news possible, and also in case the news is not so good.  I have many things to do, and much to accomplish, and I don’t want to give up on a thing.  I want to rejoice in my new found life, and sing the praises of my Savior.  I want to tell others of my hope in Him, and of the joy he has given me to now be facing an uncertain future.  I want to write short children’s stories and continue to publish them.  And, I want to treasure the time I have with my wife, my two daughters and my grand children (four granddaughters and a grandson).

I have solid hopes and desires, and a preliminary plan for accomplishing the goals affixed therein.  Yes, I can sit around an mope.  I can despair and I can be sad, or I can as Dylan Thomas wrote, “Do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight, blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.  And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night.  Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Just don’t go down and die, but rage, and rage some more.  Give all you have against that last breath, and against the going down of your final sundown, and the taking that final focused picture of what your eyes see and tell you.  He says, focus and maintain, do not go easy into that night, but rage against it, sputter and spit, yell and scream, but don’t go quietly.  Give It all purpose and meaning, not just for yourself, but for all you leave behind.  Do not show your weakness, but show your inner strengths, your internal make up, and show everyone what you were made of. 

We don’t think about it, how life can change in an instant, a moment of time.  We don’t understand how fast our lives can be altered.  We don’t realize how everything works together or how it does not work when a stroke occurs, or an hematoma develops from a Hemorrhage.  Either can wreck a persons’ life into something they would not have recognize only moments before.

Now, I realize that my current symptoms could be presenting medical implications far worse that they currently are, and I realize my circumstances could be so much worse.  I know his because I have seen others in the throws of physical upheaval.  Who cannot fend for themselves:  they cannot swallow, or take care of their eating or toileting.  They are unable to perform any Activities of Daily Living.  This is where I could have found myself, but instead, I find myself fortunate that I have been able to come home, and do so before Christmas 2017.  I can enjoy the Holidays with my family and friends and face a loftier tomorrow.  And, because of all I have overcome so far, I can face tomorrow.  And, I am laying back the fear of tomorrow against a brighter future.  I have hopes of physical recovery and I have hopes of healing with all he new treatments now available.  I have hope, I will survive for a long time to come, and do all those things I have planned on doing with my grandchildren, and the rest of my family. 

Yes, I have hope, and I will Rage against the dying of my sun and against the taking of my last breath.  But when it does come to me, I will know that I did not give up and jus lay there and let it happen to me.  I will know in a week or less, what my circumstances are and what my treatment plan will be.  And, whatever the news is, I will accept it and change my plans to suit my new reality, but I will not lay down on my bed and let this rage overtake me.  I will not go gently into that good night, and I will not take it like I am enjoying it all for the last few seconds of my life.  THAT I WILL NOT DO.