Green Snakes on a Gresham Plain

Green snake mutation.

Day Eight:   It just doesn’t seem possible that Ole PaPa Traveling Mike has been out on the road again for seven full days, now more than one whole week ‘On the Road Again’ and am looking at the early morning western horizon.  It has rained on me for hours, so the western sky isn’t, well-lit yet, but its rim is filling out and things in that direction are beginning to take shape.  Things are just barely becoming recognizable.  And, believe you me there are a lot of ‘volkswagons’ in that early western sky this morning.

This morning my journey will take me through the tall forests surrounding the mostly southern border along the Snake River.  The river has always, historically been full of green snakes.  They say it takes at least forty-nine million green snakes in the water to keep it looking that particular shade of green.  I was very thankful that we didn’t run across any of these snakes.  We were told that Green Snakes were harmless.

Fortunately, down river towards the Pacific Ocean, the Snake River empties into the Puget Sound after passing through The Dalles.  The Dalles is at the most inland portion of the Snake that is navigable by deep drafting ocean vessels.  And, because it is so deep there beginning at The Dalles and westward that half of the green snakes are naturally changed to plankton which is mostly washed into the Puget Sound and then out into the Pacific Ocean.  Thankfully, the southern banks of the Snake River are so steep that none of them can escape the river and are found downstream in the shallower waters of the river.  At The Dalles, the river bottom is so much deeper that the Green Snakes are suctioned down into the depth and most of them don’t resurface, and get swept by the river’s speedy travels downhill to the Puget Sound.  Only a few get out of the river before The Dalles.

It was my luck that I would have the misfortune to run into one of the green snakes.  By the time they get to the area of the Green River just above The Dalles they are huge.  They get out, eat the vegetation there and they almost overnight grow to a length of 35 to 40 feet and are more than a foot in diameter in parts of their body.  I’ve seen firemen use hoses to put out fires that weren’t that thick or that long.

It just didn’t strike me right off what was in the road right smack dab in front of me.  By the time I did, it was too late, but I slammed on the brakes anyway.  When I hit it, the car stopped instantaneously.  The snake was three times longer than the car and began to wrap itself around the car, like a python would.  I said to Robin, “Hey, I think this thing intends to make lunch out of us.  To which Robin replied, “Exit immediately onto OR-22 west bound.” So, I took Robin’s advice and just as soon as the green snake started to coil again, I stomped the accelerator and we shot out away from the extremely ‘disappointed’ Green Snake.  Well, it didn’t have any sauce for us anyway.  I still don’t know how the Green Snake thought it would swallow the big red Malibu.  I wrote a letter to the Oregon Fish and Wildlife Commission and explained that I had been able to surmise that Green Snake were: (a) highly motivated, (b) highly optimistic, and (c) had eyes bigger than its stomachs and for that matter, the rest of it.

That was the last Green Snake I saw, and the river returned to a more normal blue color the rest of the way.  So, with my Green Snake adventure in the rear view mirror, I proceeded to The Dalles for gas, food and a break.  I was tired after fighting with the Green Snake.  It had a healthy appetite.

It was just after we passed The Dalles and were coming into Gresham area of the City of Portland that we decided to get off the freeway and look around.  There is no way I would be found by another one of those green snakes.

I said, “Robin, how big would one of those Green Snakes be this much further downstream.”

Robin did not respond immediately, but said, “How much further are we downstream?”  I responded, “Are you kidding me?” I was taken aback, and said incredulously “you are the navigation system, you should know, you just told me how to get here from The Dalles!”

Robin responded, “I see your point.  And, you are correct, I should know the answer to that question.”  Robin paused for a moment, while her wheels purred, and her relays clicked, and then she said, “I now believe that the distance you queried me about would be 64.1949 miles.  I will give you an answer soon as I can access archived information on Green Snake anatomy!” 

I sat driving the car while considering a computerized navigation system needing minutes to respond to a query of the facts.  “Robin, it should not take this long, I could’ve phoned home for the information in less time.”  Now, I could hear more whirring discs, more clicking gears and even a belt drive purring in the background.  “Robin?”  Whir, Purr, Grrrrh, Plunk and 6 more clicks later.

“Sir, archival information has been degraded due to refrigeration neglect at the MetaDataMega Center, and access has been denied.”  Robin sounded harried at this point, and began to stumble over her words.  “My apologies, sir.  The MDM has been reliable to five decimal points for 18 years now sir.  I will repeat efforts through alternative MegaData Centers in the loop.”

All I could do was twiddle my thumbs and whistle a merry tune as we sped down the interstate toward Portland Oregon.  Still more whirring and purring, clicking and even a burp.  Then, finally it appeared like a response was forthcoming.  “Robin, oh Robin, you go to sleep or what?  That last noise leads me to believe that you now have a bad case of acid reflux going on.  Oh, Robin, oh Robin, ever heard of GERD?  Maybe I should send some Pepto down your gullet.”

“Sir, I think I can now project a solution to your most recent inquiry!”

“O.K. Robin, we are all waiting, anytime you get around to it, but if you defer much longer, we will arrive at our destination and the results of my inquiry will no longer be relevant or timely”

“Sir, the size of a Green Snake, 64.1949 miles further advanced into the destination area would yield a creature approximately 364 feet long, and variable in diameter from 10.981 feet in diameter up to 32.4493 feet in diameter.”

“Robin, could you relate that measurement to any other object animate or inanimate?”

“Sir, the dimensions related to you are the approximate measurements of a Saturn V rocket, generally referred to as the “moon rocket, of course laying on its side, sir.”

“Robin, if your response is accurate, it is…..”

“My projections are accurate to 4 decimals sir, they are reliable, sir!” Robin now spoke with an air of both arrogance and pride.”

“Well, to continue, I will rely on your projections, Robin.  So, if this snake is as fast as that rocket was, I think we both might be its dinner.  We wouldn’t have a chance to defend ourselves or any position we could take, unless we could get into a small cave.  In which case, Robin, you are on your own.”

Robin voice now began to exhibit fear patterns.  She said, “Go, Drive, Hurry, Go Faster, Faster, maximum velocity required, NOW please.”

There was an urgency in Robin’s voice.  I was compelled to drive as fast as the little, red Malibu would go. 

About that time, the whole mountain we were driving along side of seemed to move.  It seemed to lurch forward and then it became obvious what it was.  It wasn’t the trees and bushes that moved but the back of a big green snake.  It lurched again, and as the front of it gained a far enough lead, the last fifty feet of it raised way up in the air and then rotated around to the left and then rotated again until there were two rather large, red eyes came to bear right in front of the car’s windshield.  It then stuck out its tongue and hissed so loud my ears began to ring and the car began to flop the road first one tire, then another and then another as the tires bounced on the road’s surface.  This bouncing jarring our bodies and I began bouncing off the roof and the mirror and the door window and the windshield.  I was getting more and more concussed, and as the ringing in my ears turned into a roaring sound like huge waves pounding a submissive beach.  I began to lose consciousness.  Then blackness closed in from the left and from the right, from above and below my eyes.  I remembered thinking about how I could get out of here.  All I knew to do was stomp the accelerator again.  Maybe before I went unconscious, I could smash the front of the car into the snakes head and do to it what it had just been doing to us. 

I felt the Malibu lurch forward about fifty feet in that single burst.  Then there was a collision, and head thumping, a knot pumping blast of the car’s nose to the snake’s nose.  The Malibu was victorious.  As that monstrous head fell to the side, the Malibu kept on going.  I was in a stupor, but I realized the extreme stresses of the moment and opened my eyes as wide as possible.  It took a second to adjust my focus, but I realized in just a few moments where the center of the road was.  When I was sure of the road, I stomped the accelerator once again.  We drove down that road at eighty, then at ninety, then the speedometer registered 100 miles per hour. 

We were a quarter mile down the road in the Malibu doing 60 miles an hour, when I looked in the side mirror and saw nothing I felt some relief.  We were now nearly three quarters of mile down the road, and three seconds later I checked the rear view mirror and couldn’t believe what my eyes were telling me.  Approaching from the rear was a pair of red lanterns moving up and down in a repetitive motion.  Then it seemed like the trees on either side of the road were falling away to the sides of the roadway with ever increasing rapidity.  The distance seemed to be rapidly diminishing.  The more time that elapsed the closer the red glowing disks appeared.  Not only were they getting closer, the disks were getting larger as well.  Both closer and larger, but now their shape began growing more defined. 

In just sixteen more seconds, we were another quarter-mile down that road and the monster snake was closing in on the Malibu, and us.  Then, unexpectedly, the Malibu broke out of the tree-lined road and there was nothing on either side of the road.  Seconds later, the last of the trees on either side of the road fell, and the monster snake was closing in on us.  The rumbling of the snake’s gyrations were now shaking the Malibu as huge green snake drew closer.   I quickly checked the Malibu’s speed, and could not believe we were speeding down a two-lane road at over one hundred miles an hour.  If the road were to come to an end, I knew we would be in the snake’s coiling muscles within seconds.  Then, my concentration was abruptly concluded when Robin’s voice broke the eerie silence and said; “TURN RIGHT IN 800 YARDS.”  In just under one fourth mile our destination selection would require a change from one road to another.   “TURN RIGHT IN 500 YARDS,” Robin alerted me of the imminent change the road required.   The snake eyes now completely filled the rear view mirror.  It must now be closer than 50 yards:  it was two seconds behind us. 

“TURN RIGHT IN 250 YARDS,” Robin’s voice quivering now with anxiety and fear.  I could now see the road in the distance that crossed our path.  A road that was at ninety degrees to our current path.  If I slowed down to make the turn safely, the snake would catch us and enshroud us in its muscular coils.  We would be dinner in 10 minutes.  It would crush the Malibu in seconds.  And, us with it.  I had no idea what I was going to do, but whatever was about to happen, it would be taking place in the next 10 seconds.  It was then that Robin chose to issue her final driving command, or so it seemed.  With urgency in her voice, Robin spoke loudly saying, “BEAR RIGHT, IN 250 FEET……. BEAR RIGHT IN 150 FEET…….. BEAR RIGHT IN 100 FEET, TAKE THE NEXT RIGHT.”  All four of those commands coming within a matter of seven seconds.  As the turn came into sight, I looked in the rear view mirror only to see the snake was so close I could not even see its huge red eyes.  At a mere fifty feet from the exit, I stomped the brake pedal and slid the remaining 30 feet to the turn as the huge Green Snake flew over the roof of the red Malibu.  It did not understand English, apparently, so it did not know I was about to make a turn onto a road perpendicular to our current path.  And, as it had gotten within a few feet of the Malibu, it had opened its gigantic maw and when it did, it could not see what the Malibu below it was doing.  So just as the snake awaited the Malibu in its mouth, the Malibu abruptly slowed to less than ten percent of its previous speed.  And, at that exact moment, I had stomped the brake, slowed to about 20 miles per hour, and made a right turn in a virtual slide to the left side.  As the speed declined, I regained control of the slide, and straightened up onto the entrance ramp to I-80. 

The giant green snake realized too late that it had another problem.  The signs overhanging the road warning of the turns to enter the interstate, being made of steel and sheet metal acted as a cleever once the huge green snake smashed into them doing just over one hundred miles an hour.  There was no stopping it now.  The big ten by fifteen foot sign turned over flat to the roads surface and began to cleanly fillet the snake right down its spine for nearly one hundred feet. 

“That was a fast moving snake, Robin,” “I just bet that NASA would like to check out the speed that giant green snake had achieved.”   As I pondered the snake’s velocity as it went airborne over the interstate overpass, it was clear that it wouldn’t be able to follow us any further.  I was greatly relieved.  Then I thought about calling the states wildlife agency, and said, “Robin, you think we should call the Oregon Fish and Wildlife Commission and report this incident we just experienced with the Big Green Snake?” 

Robin had no comment, except to ask, “What is an oregonfishandwildlifecommission.” 

I said, “Robin, I think we should just go on into Portland, and just forget what has happened to us.  Just think about it.  They are going to think that we are crazy, or that we are on L. S. D.”

Robin then asked again, “what is L. S. D?”

“Robin, L.S.D. is just an acronym for ‘Let Start Driving.’  I have to say that nature was quite capable of creating its own version of a mind-altering substance.  Oregon’s version of that substance was quite sufficient.

The next morning, I picked up the newspaper in the lobby of the Hotel.  Across the top of the front page in 30 point type was the heading:  “GIANT GREEN SNAKE EATS GRESHAM.”  The next line down said, “Portland International Airport: Carrier Reports Missing Fleet:  27 jetliners gone without a trace.”  In the body of the story, the article state, “Ramp workers baffled by missing jets.  All airport workers reporting a substantial amount of a green slime on the ramp and taxi ways.  “Here at PDX, airport officials are investigating reports that several giant green snakes swallowed the jetliners thinking they might be tube steaks, a.k.a. hot dogs.  Passengers and crews found huddled in basement of main concourse cold, wet and shivering with a look of sheer panic on their faces. 

Robin said, “Papa Traveling Mike, please exit on to ALT- 41.  Then turn immediate right onto I-5 toward San Francisco and points south.”

I said, “Robin, that’s the best route change I’ve heard out of you on this entire road trip.

I immediately exited I-80 and headed south toward San Francisco, California.  The big red Malibu topped 120 miles per hour within ninety seconds.   I was afraid to look in the side or rear view mirrors for days afterwards.  We entered California about an hour later.  I got on the car phone and phoned home, when she answered I said,

“Oh, please, I told my far distant wife,

Please don’t tell the girls about my strife,

It might put them off on going to way west

Let them sleep safely on their soft pillows,

Don’t tell them ever about that green life,

That giant snake that knocked down all those willows.”

 

Well, that’s the latest news from PaPa Traveling Mike.  He would not tell us a tall tale, would he?  Nana said, “Oh, don’t worry, we’ll get another call tomorrow, I am sure PaPa Mike is just pulling our collective leggings.

The grandson looked at his NaNa with deep, furrowed confusion on his face, and said to “NaNa, do snakes get that big?”

NaNa said to her inquisitive grandson, “It’s late, let’s go to bed.  Everything will be O.K. in the morning.  PaPa Mike likes to exaggerate a bit.  My little boy, you know how he likes to tell those tall tales. 

 

Well, Keller, that is all of my story for today from your PaPa Traveling Mike, I hope that you enjoyed it.  Just remember, buddy, telling stories is all about exaggeration or making something seem bigger or more exciting than it was than when it actually happened.  One aspect of my story telling is that the story ends up being more like a fable than just a story.  What is the difference between a story and a fable?

A story is an account of imaginary or real people and events told for entertainment purposes.  An account of past events in someone’s life or in the evolution of something.

A Fable is a type of story, passed down from one generation to another generation and told to teach a lesson.   Fables can be about animals, plants or even an inanimate object as characters.  The story does not have to be founded in facts as long as it teaches a lesson on living one’s life.

The Moral of the Story:  As in a Fable, this story is created about events that did not ever happen in the real world.  In this story, a man is aided by a car navigation system that talks and shows real emotion, just like a real person does.  In addition, the story has an animal, the ‘bad guy’ (story’s antagonist), and the ‘good guy,’ (story’s protagonist) or hero.  Their interaction with each other occurs so that the author of the story can make a point to readers about the living of life.  So, the Moral of this story is this:  If you face a troubling trial in life, don’t give up because you cannot see a favorable outcome in advance.  Never resign yourself to losing in anything you attempt to do.  There is always success in the attempt.   There is something that even the hero doesn’t know or anticipate that will allow him to win or be victorious.  It isn’t ego, it is faith.  It always works out that way, for those who don’t believe in the “No Win Scenario”.  There is always a way to make good, overcome defeat, be victorious in a game, in a sport, in a class, even in your life.  You just have to believe that within you exists the will to win, the will to overcome, to make good.