How to be a Total Baller: The First Eighteen Years

Just a poem I wrote about being a baller with my best friend.

When I was young and a lot less taller,

I learned how to be a total baller

I would jump and bounce and troll,

because that's how total ballers roll!

 

When I was just turning one,

I was a loudmouth, just for fun

I'd scream and chant and hoot and holler,

that's how I was a total baller.

 

Back when I was little, only two,

when I ate crayons and snorted glue,

I started to get a whole lot taller,

you can blame it on being a total baller.

 

I was crafty by the time I was three,

I knew how to get my fruit snacks for free,

crawl around like a dog on a collar,

yeah, I know, I was a total baller.

 

I was getting bigger, just about four,

when I knew how to tell someone they looked like a w***e,

it started fights, yeah, I was a brawler,

just one of the ways I was a total baller.

 

By the time I had grown to five,

I knew how to keep myself alive,

by snatching candy from kids who were smaller,

Yeah, what about it? Total Baller.

 

I was freaking awesome by the time I was six,

Selling lemonade and cheap magic tricks,

I already knew how to make a quick dollar,

all because I was a total baller.

 

Okay, I admit, was a b***h at seven,

told my mama, "You ain't goin' to heaven!

You eat and drink and piss in squalor,

because you ain't like me, a total baller."

 

By the time that I reached eight,

I had learned to appreciate

the knowledge and whims from being a scholar,

Mhmm, you can say it: Total baller.

 

My mama said when I made nine,

I had toed the very last line,

when I got my first romantic caller,

What? You got problems? I'm a total baller!

 

You gotta know, by the time I was ten,

I had crossed the highway alone and made it back again,

I had a job working as a professional faller,

Yeah, it was dangerous, but I was a total baller.

 

Sixteen days after I turned eleven,

I started dating this cute boy named Kevin,

he was rich; his daddy a money hauler

So I got treated like a total baller.

 

Figures I'd get reigned in when I turned twelve,

apparently, taking the car was too deep to delve,

my mom hating on me because my imagination had color,

trying to stop me from being a total baller.

 

The first thing I expected when I turned thirteen,

was to be treated just like a queen,

so when my mom didn't buy me a dog with a collar,

I reported her to social social services, cause I'm a total baller

 

When at last I turned fourteen,

I was here, there, and in between,

I was faster, stronger,  and somehow smaller,

a star in training...and a total baller.

 

Started attending public school at fifteen,

met a girl who had a look like a scene,

she gave me her number and told me to call her...

I knew right then, she was a total baller.

 

At sixteen I could throw a punch,

could peddle drugs, make a crack addict's lunch,

hanging with my best friend, dying our hairs, not getting taller

together, we made a band of total ballers.

 

At seventeen, we could run the town,

raise the roof and bring it back down,

I would scream and she would holler,

from rooftops about being total ballers.

 

At eighteen when we came of age,

we treated the world just like our stage,

Haters had to hate because we brought in dollars,

hey, it's what comes when you're total ballers.

 

So now all the eighteen years are done,

but our total baller years aren't over, not even close, son,

If you want to be a total baller, not a group of total haters,

well, too bad, ballers come in only two flavors.

 

Sorry we're exclusive, you can't join our ranks,

but you can watch from the sidelines and get high on crank,

and if you wanna make a few easy dolla's

you can clean up after the two mightiest of total ballers.