UNTITILED, for two men in my life circa 2007

for a son lost in death to disease and for the husband when our marriage was fading

And everyday ends up to be like this photo of a crying seraph
wanting to lay my head down and cry
cry from exhaustion, sorrow, grief, depression
from being misunderstood, uncomforted,
and feeling completely and uterlessly hopeless

For him i cry, for him i long
long to be with him or have him here with me
long to have no more worries and be truly free
a flying spirit in dragonfly form
or a blue butterfly on light wings
or even still and cold in the dirt
while nature embraces me and carries on without me

for him i manage to hope when the situation is hopeless
i manage to continue on and try
even when it feels there is nothing to try for anymore
i continue to love and always will
i suppress my emotions as there is no point in sharing
they only go unheard, unnoticed,
in the very least they all go unsolved
i live in confusion for him as he lives in confusion himself
not knowing what he wants and not caring to learn
and so i do not know what to be or how to be to please him
and yet i still try even when it feels there is no purpose

so everyday ends this way
curling up and crying
or holding it in and denying

and even when i want to stop, when i cannot figure out why i go on
i still do.. i still go on... for there is no reason but love
stupid irrational love