Precious

A Poem by SM

Memories

I look back at the great times we’ve had

The laughter , the fun, the serenity

The comfort of just being together

If only for a few moments

These are embossed in my mind

Your words, your expressions, your laughter

Can we go back in time ?

I want to savour every moment .... again

I want the dances, I want them back

I want the laughter, the calm ....

The soft musky scent....

I want answers.... I want you back .....

Precious are the memories ...that hold my sanity

That makes me grateful for the beautiful times

If only a few ..... they are precious...timeless ...

My heart weeps.... still thankful beyond measure

© 2022 SM

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JayG

• I look back at the great times we’ve had

Yeah, I remember the time that we— Wait a minute. Who are you? And why are you telling me this? Are you about to try to sell me insurance?

Seriously, think about it. This is you, someone we know nothing about, talking to someone never introduced, about things the reader has zero knowledge of or context for.

What’s in it for the reader? Without context it’s just words in a row, meaning uncertain. But readers come to you hoping to be entertained by being made to feel and care, not learn about you and what matters to you. They want to be moved emotionally, not learn what’s going on in your life.

This works for tyou because you do have context, and intent. But intend never makes it to the page, and it’s up to you to supply context.

So, instead of talking to the reader invite them in. Instead of saying something like, “I cried at the funeral,” give the READER a reason to weep. Make them feel, not nod in understanding.

But here’s the deal: In school they taught us a skill called writing. What they didn’t mention was that we learned only the fact-based and author-centric skill of nonfiction writing, because that’s what employer need from us. Use it to write a story or poem and the result reads like a report. It has to, because its methodology talks to the reader. And since we don’t know how the author would read their words we hear them as the dispassionate words of an external observer. We forget that professional knowledge is acquired IN ADDITION to the general skills of our public education years.

So…acquire. Dig into the tricks the pros take for granted. Make them yours and writing poetry becomes a LOT more fun, both for you and the reader.

Some suggestions:

1. Download Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. Lots of people swear by it. I learned. Early that there are more vowels then we think.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

2. Check the Shmoop site. Log in as Student, then use the midpage option button by the search window to select Poetry. There’s lots of great work, analyzed to show what made it so.

3. Take a look at the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. He focuses on rhyming poetry, but still, what he has to say about the flow of language, and prosody, is recommended reading for all writers.

So…this is pretty far from what you hoped to hear, I know. But since we’ll not address the problem we don’t see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

A minor point: You’re might want to cut back on the ellipsis use a bit.

In any case, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Posted 2 Years Ago

• I look back at the great times we’ve had

Yeah, I remember the time that we— Wait a minute. Who are you? And why are you telling me this? Are you about to try to sell me insurance?

Seriously, think about it. This is you, someone we know nothing about, talking to someone never introduced, about things the reader has zero knowledge of or context for.

What’s in it for the reader? Without context it’s just words in a row, meaning uncertain. But readers come to you hoping to be entertained by being made to feel and care, not learn about you and what matters to you. They want to be moved emotionally, not learn what’s going on in your life.

This works for tyou because you do have context, and intent. But intend never makes it to the page, and it’s up to you to supply context.

So, instead of talking to the reader invite them in. Instead of saying something like, “I cried at the funeral,” give the READER a reason to weep. Make them feel, not nod in understanding.

But here’s the deal: In school they taught us a skill called writing. What they didn’t mention was that we learned only the fact-based and author-centric skill of nonfiction writing, because that’s what employer need from us.  Use it to write a story or poem and the result reads like a report. It has to, because its methodology talks to the reader. And since we don’t know how the author would read their words we hear them as the dispassionate words of an external observer. We forget that professional knowledge is acquired IN ADDITION to the general skills of our public education years.

So…acquire. Dig into the tricks the pros take for granted. Make them yours and writing poetry becomes a LOT more fun, both for you and the reader.

Some suggestions:

1. Download Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. Lots of people swear by it. I learned. Early that there are more vowels then we think.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

2. Check the Shmoop site. Log in as Student, then use the midpage option button by the search window to select Poetry. There’s lots of great work, analyzed to show what made it so.

3. Take a look at the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. He focuses on rhyming poetry, but still, what he has to say about the flow of language, and prosody, is recommended reading for all writers.

So…this is pretty far from what you hoped to hear, I know. But since we’ll not address the problem we don’t see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

A minor point: You’re might want to cut back on the ellipsis use a bit.

In any case, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

View 2 more replies

This comment has been deleted by the poster.

2 Years Ago

Thank you, ma'am. I'm paying back a Ben Franklin debt. 😁

2 Years Ago

Hi JayG - Thank you for the time you have taken to review my work and provide me with some really us.. read more

Reviews

Lisasview

Hi SM,
I could have sworn that I not only reviewed your poem but also read Jays and said how wonderful it was that he took the time to go over what works and what doesn't when writing... But now I see that my review never got posted... I must have forgotten to press the submit review button.
Anyway, I totally agree with Jay and actually I am looking at his comments and learning for my self... which is terrific.
Lisa, now in Spain

Posted 2 Years Ago

JayG

Posted 2 Years Ago

• I look back at the great times we’ve had

Yeah, I remember the time that we— Wait a minute. Who are you? And why are you telling me this? Are you about to try to sell me insurance?

Seriously, think about it. This is you, someone we know nothing about, talking to someone never introduced, about things the reader has zero knowledge of or context for.

This works for tyou because you do have context, and intent. But intend never makes it to the page, and it’s up to you to supply context.

So, instead of talking to the reader invite them in. Instead of saying something like, “I cried at the funeral,” give the READER a reason to weep. Make them feel, not nod in understanding.

So…acquire. Dig into the tricks the pros take for granted. Make them yours and writing poetry becomes a LOT more fun, both for you and the reader.

Some suggestions:

1. Download Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. Lots of people swear by it. I learned. Early that there are more vowels then we think.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

2. Check the Shmoop site. Log in as Student, then use the midpage option button by the search window to select Poetry. There’s lots of great work, analyzed to show what made it so.

So…this is pretty far from what you hoped to hear, I know. But since we’ll not address the problem we don’t see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

A minor point: You’re might want to cut back on the ellipsis use a bit.

In any case, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Rating /100