What??

Just trying

Finally passing through the light. Getting to the other end wasn't all that hard. What came next was a shock. I reached all the way to the other side only to be stopped by a mystical creature. It looked like an angel. It was really bright and clean. The wings were looking like gold. Shining so bright almost blinding me. I asked him to announce himself. He said nothing. I said it again. He stood there in complete silence. I yelled it thinking he didn't hear me. He finally answered telling me that it's not that easy to get into heaven. What?? Is all i good say. He tells me that I must go through three test. Test i thought not exactly what i thought would happen. I never was good at test. He tells me that these test were gonna test my body. He took three dreams that i had always hoped for to actually happen. The problem is when your dead you forget everything so I have no idea what the test will be like. All he said was to go to the urn. I looked i saw no urn. Then a mystical noise goes off behind me i turn around and there it is. The urn. I open it out of curiosity. Inside is like a bottomless pit. Inside is all sorts of items that are really important for the quest. He said i could choose two weapons and one armor type. I chose a bow and fifty arrows, a sword, the armor that i picked shined like gold though thats not what it was. It was a very small and light armor that fit very good. The shield i picked was an amazing one. He told me to think of one symbol one that i thought was more of me. I closed my eyes and on my shield appeared a beautiful red and black dragon holding a sword. With my weapons and armor in hand I stepped through another light.

Reviews

[H-Jonesy]

Ok, You really need to add detail. Remember detail, detail, detail. Its your friend. Also your moving a bit to quick (dont worry i do it sometimes too) Slow down your piece, have him describe his trip to the other side. Also try to smooth it out when you are describing something,

EX: I reached all the way to the other side only to be stopped by a mystical creature. It looked like an angel. It was really bright and clean. The wings were looking like gold. Shining so bright almost blinding me.

Its kind of choppy. Try to make it flow more.
good job and keep it up. I shall read more!!!

[Bridget Mcmaken]

I really like this so far, It's really good but I think it could have more detail.

[Paris France]

Good ending. You brought lots of creative images to this chapter, I liked the theme of it as well. Unfortunately, you had a lot of grammatical errors. Now I don’t want to sound mean, like nagging old grammar Nazi, I just think it’s important for anyone who is writing a book to pay close attention to grammar and spelling, because errors like those distract the reader from the story. Forgive me if I sound harsh, I just want to help you polish this book for success. But all in all, I like the story thus far. It’s interesting, new, and creative.
God bless : )

[Katie]

hmm, still a lot of the mistakes the Perfectionist mentioned before. Commas missing, use of the wrong word, you also have the very common mistake of not putting an 's' on the end of words that need it, whichmeans you are switching tenses half way through a sentence etc. This all takes away from your story a bit.

But once again your idea is great. You seem to have a lot of them floating around for this story, and its very interesting. You just need to slow down on them, take the time to fully write out each one. Another way to do it, is to write it once exactly as it spills out, and then go back and add a whole pile of description to it. That will help with the pace problems that have been mentioned before. And keep people more interested. If you really just want to get all the story done first, maybe write then entire book, then go back and add the detail after.
Authors of fantasy are normally really great for detail, because they have to describe their worlds in a way that makes you feel like you can be part of them. So those are good places to look if you need an idea of what I am talking about.
So now on to a way to fix the grammar problems, on way, is to read the story backwards, thats a good way to pick up on any mistakes you are making, when you read it forward you automatically skip over them just like you did when you were writing it, because you know exactly what it is supposed to be. This can be incredibly time consuming though, and since I don't know many people who want to bother with that, you could always have somone look over your story and fix grammar. Depending who you get to do it they also might be able to help you on adding description and such to your stories. Me and a friend of mine used to do that, because she never added enough, and I always added too much, so we balanced eachother out.
hmm I think that is all the suggestions I got for now. And the only reason I am bothering to give this many suggestions is because I really do think this story could be absolutely brilliant.

[Bexfinch]

wow thios is so verfy suspensful. I SHALLLL Read more or i will freak out from suspense.

[Luna Northstar]

i like it a lot so far. great job.

[Deaths Cold Kiss]

awesome, ummmmm, next chapter??????????????????