You could say

You could say that most people think that when you die that your adventure is over. I say no the adventure only takes an unexpected turn. Wether for the better or worse is completely up to your attitude. I enjoy the adventure of death. That is what this story is about my fight to the other side. A better place where adventure can happen everyday. It all began with my death. Thats right i wasn't always dead. I once was a very handsome guy. Brown hair and sparkling brown eyes. I was respected and well known i was friends with everyone. There was only girl that I said I love you to. Her name was Valerie. She was beautiful. Brown hair, silvery blue eyes, very nice body. Nice, good sense of humor. We planned out our entire life. Down to the names of our children. Life seemed to be going perfect until we went for a walk down a dark road. I was kidnapped. They took me to a place hidden in the woods and used me as a bargaining chip. My parents kept their promise but the kidnappers did no such thing. Right when they got their money one of them had pulled a gun. Right in front of my parents and my girlfriend i was executed. My life was taken and never given back. When I died i could see everything. I explored the world. I saw the amazing pyramids of Egypt. I climbed the stairs of the Aztec Temples. I ran with the lions, i flew with the eagles, i swam with the dolphins. My afterlife was going good. Although I learned that just because your life seems perfect doesn't mean that the unexpected couldn't happen. When I died I watched my girlfriend everyday. She had tried so hard to commit suicide because she wanted to be with me and every time i made sure she failed. Life is to short to waste on a love that will not happen. I left messages and every thing to help her. When i finally knew that she wouldn't try again i left. I knew it was time for me to go into the light. Finally something that seemed easy even for me. So I walked.

Reviews

[Katie]

Well aside from a few grammar mistakes this is a very interesting story. I kind of wish you had dragged out the story before his death, told us more about his family and girlfriend, or maybe even about his last few minutes, you made it all sound so interesting. But I am definitely interested in where you are going with this. I look forward to reading more and seeing where you go with this. Great Job.

[heartbrake]

i love how you suggest that the biging is the end well done

[Bridget Mcmaken]

wow very amazing. I can't way to read more! I love how you start out the book. Wonderful work.

[Paris France]

Okay, not bad. I now have a better idea of his character and his situation. Still don’t know his name though, you should put that in there. Very good description. Also, an interesting take on the afterlife, way to be creative! So as far as the story goes, you are headed in the right direction, just make sure you have enough dialog or action to keep the reader interested.
As for mechanical errors, (The changes are in red, so grab an original copy and compare the two) there were many. My advice to you, snag yourself a grammar book and study up on it (especially about comma use and fragmented sentences). Always be constant with your “I”, don’t leave a single “I” un-capitalized. But, all in all--good work!

[Zana]

WOW.......i want to read more

[H-Jonesy]

Well its a good start but you need to break up this huge paragraph, its a pain to try and read it that way. And you might want to add some more detail, I understand that hes explaining what happened to him but still detail is your friend, remember that.

[Taylor H.]

Do I have your email address? I need to make a list lol

[The Perfectionist]

A few grammar mistakes? Katie, that's like saying the ocean contains a few drops of water.

Okay, two things right away. I will not tell you this again, but it probably holds true for all of your future chapters too.
1. Paste this in Word. That will catch half of your spelling and grammatical errors. Then people here can worry about catching the rest.
2. Don't have it in one huge paragraph. Break it up into two or three or four.

I should refer you to my lesson on common mistakes, because I think you make them all. Aside from the numerous grammatical problems, there's also the issue of pacing (you have none) and a complete lack of detail. I know nothing about this guy aside from his basic appearance and that he is dead.

Half of your sentences are fragments; do you even know what a semi-colon is? This might be an interesting story, but you've got a whole lot of mistakes here that need fixing. Word will help. Paste it there.

[Emi]

Like Jules said it's different (not in a bad way I might add) but as a hardcore writer I have a hard time seeing past little errors especially in grammar, which really sucks just so you know. In the first sentence there were three 'thats' which is a no no, in fact it would probably flow better if you removed all of them. I don't want to go too far into detail it'll just give us both a headache but I would suggest going over it again, pretend it's someone elses since it can be tough to see issues in your own work. Please don't hate me for being critical, sometimes I'm too serious for my own good but I mean well.

[Luna Northstar]

Hmm, really good so far, I'm very curious about what will happen next...