Mistakes

Literally me talking about my feelings hoping that writing will make it easier. It almost does

Think back, and when I say that I mean really think back. To that time you felt the best. That day when everything seemed to go right. When every desire you has seemed to be fulfilled. That day which made you feel as though you were invincible. How do you feel now? You might just be smiling, maybe a giggle or two escaped your lips as you,thought about it. What did you think of? Was it a past love? Was it a day at the beach? Was it your first day at a new school or job?
Those days you feel nothing but purr bliss. Those are the days we look for. The days that we wait in the rain for. We power through each day to find out happiness, but you know what you never think of? What are you gonna do...if you lose it? So many things can go right but one tiny thing can ruin it. What will you do to,fix it? That's been my question for about 2 years now.
Six years ago I met her. I met the person whom, at the time, I never thought I'd fall for so hard. We met on a school bus. The number escapes my mind, but not the way I looked at her. I noticed her eyes first, silver blue. They almost seemed to sparkle though, not like a star more like the small hint of light that hits your eyes as a wave rolls in. Just a splash of gray and blue. Next was her hair, brunette. Nothing cheesy about it. It was a beautiful brown color. She seemed so ordinary yet so amazing. I knew of no way to describe it to her. I was still so shy those days, couldn't speak to any girl unless they lived in my house. Thinking back she may have been the first number I had that wasn't a guys. I watched her, hiden by the hood on my jacket I watched her talk, listened to her laugh, smiled at her smiles. I spoke no words to her until I got home, as I walked off the bus I gave her my number and said if she wanted she could talk to me anytime. This was my first mistake.
I waited so long that day. For a text, a call or anything from here. Then when the first message came I thought and hoped the last one would never come. We laughed, spoke of dreams, spoke of friends, spoke of relationships. Thinking back on how it all started almost makes me smile. Almost makes me cry. We talked for 12 hours straight. At the end of that conversation we were dating. My first real girlfriend. How foolish I was back then to think the things I did. That she was the one, that nothing bad could happen, that my life was perfect. That was mistake number two.
Over the next few years we learned more about each other. We fell harder and deeper for each other than I thought possible. Everyday that passed we grew closer. Over the rest of my school time we spent everyday together. The times we didn't get to see each other, we passed notes. The days we were apart we texted or called. I loved her with everything I had. This was my high school sweetheart. Nothing would take her from me. Or so I thought. I remember, towards the end of my high school days, thinking. What do I have to offer her. I'm small and weak and not all that bright, but what can I do to fix it.....Maybe I can join the Army. That was my third mistake.
The recruiters like to tell you a lot of things. You'll get this much money, you can go to college, it sets you up for the future, you can shoot weapons. Anything to sell it to you. Little did they know I was sold before I walked in. She was on my mind and nothing would change that. I had to better to protect her. To show her that I would put my body through any amount of pain. I spent 8 months in training. Made my body tougher, my mind sharper and my love stronger. The days I could not see her seemed to drag on for years. Some days it just seemed to stop altogether as to prolong my suffering. I finally made it through and joined my first unit. All the way in New York. So far from my home yet I seemed to be okay with it. I was my own person, free to make my own decisions. I was officially in the Army. This was yet another mistake.
More years passed and I got the one thing I never hoped to. Orders. I was to be sent off to fight and do what I was trained to do. All that training to make myself better for her and here it was about to be wasted. Worst of all she was gonna graduate soon. I would miss it. Although I did get to enjoy one thing with her. Prom. Her prom had come along and landed on my pre-deployment leave time. This was to be the best night of our lives. I would see to that, seeing as it couldve been my last.....
Red...that was the color she chose. It always looked amazing on her, I feel like she chose it only because it was my favorite color. A red strapless dress with red lipstick. Her eyes could not have shone any brighter that night. Her hair high up in a bun. She was my princess. Not in the defenseless and needs rescueing sort of way. I mean that she was a symbol of beauty and grace that no other could stand up to. We danced that night as though it may be our last. I held her tighter and tighter as each song passed knowing that it was getting closer to the last song. When that song finally came, I couldnt let go. I knew I had but, I couldn't. I couldn't let my happiness go.
I left a few days later and was shipped off. New chapter in my life. One without her. We spoke when we could, the time zones and missions made that tough. Yet, we prevailed. I came home after a few months a brand new man. This man was strong, with no fear, with no regrets. This man was foolish worst part was he didnt even know it. A mistake I made without knowing it. Can there be a more foolish thing?
I came home to no welcome. My parents could not make it and she was starting college soon. I came home, went to my empty room and fell asleep. I had no one and nothing to comfort me. That night I dreamt of the dance. Of the dress flowing, of our feet shuffling, of her eyes twinkling. I thought of many things that night but mostly about how I felt about her. I knew what I wanted and what it was, was her. I bought her the ring. I knew shed love it. It wasn't anything fancy. Just enough to say I love you and that my love belongs to you. The night of I told her the ring had been sent to the wrong address. She was a bit upset yet understanding. Later that night I proposed to her. I asked her to accept my love and all that I had to give. This....this moment....this moment right here...was my last mistake...
I love you! Three simple words right? As you read those how did you feel? Maybe happy? Perhaps a little sad? Or maybe nothing at all? When you hear those words you give a reaction, most times positive. You could have done something wonderful or maybe just needed a pick me up. Maybe mom just thought you needed a reminder....so what did I do to deserve what I was told....I don't love you anymore. How do you feel? Who do you think of? How do you react? This person, whom I had given my all, no longer loved me. For an untold reason she had fallen out of love. She had found someone else. Some other man who she loved. She hurt the feelings I had spent so much time only giving to her. She didnt break my heart...she still holds it. I feel as though I may never love again, as though I can no longer be happy, as though I am stuck in an endless loop of depression. Yet I chose to keep on living and fighting...could that be another mistake?

Author's Note

Please ignore minor grammar errors.

Reviews

[DarkArtz 0703]

damn..... neat cody