i saw her

when i saw her first

i saw her
i saw her with freshen eyes
snow white as we call
in a pink dress and
a beautiful innocence

i saw her
in some where in my city side
with her heart freshening freshness
which always go along her
she appear to me as my desire

i saw her
and i had blown out
love at first sight what people say
i got myself in it
after i saw her

Author's Note

to be continue....................

Reviews

[Ees]

Okay.
It's a poem. The concept is familiar, but needs to be written time and time again because people feel that way time and time again.

what is "freshen"? That is a word that I am unfamiliar with and it reads as a bit odd for me in this poem.

The line "Snow white as we call" just doesn't make sense in terms of the English language. I understand the context of Snow White, but "as we call" who are we? are you speaking with somebody else? are you currently calling her? do you know what I mean? The phrasing just doesn't work for me.

The next two lines work well together as far as flow, meaning and imagery. Good job there, that means it shouldn't be hard to carry over to the rest of this poem.

"in somewhere in my city." Read it out loud. It sounds weird, right? try something like: "wandering around my city's lonely streets." That would help people picture something better and take care of your awkward use of language.


Are you just screwing with me now? "with her heart freshening freshness"

wouldn't something like: with her heart, the smell of fresh cut grass... or something, I mean, my example is almost as ridiculous, but I thought it might give you an idea. nobody can relate to "freshening freshness" because it just sounds like drunk talk, or something. I don't mean that to be mean... I really don't and I do not think that your poem is bad, I am just trying to be as helpful as I hope people will be with the things that I post.

"she appear to me as my desire" Read outloud, also sounds awkward.

The last bit makes even less sense. Just read this out loud to yourself and make is say what you thought you were saying the first time. I can tell that the essence of a great poem is there...



you were taken by surprise
there was a girl so pure,
innocent
fresh like
the flowers cut minutes ago
in a garden down the street.

I saw her at the corner of
East and Main on a
saturday night-
like a Snow White figure.

Pink dress,
small freckles splattered across
just the tip of her nose.

I did
I did not believe
that love at first sight could
hit me
like the sight of her.

That was just what I wrote based off of your poem. I just took your concept and some of your imagery and wrote it the way that I would have. And that shows that you got some of your point across.

You just need to work on this one a little bit, but the essence is in there.

[gombeggar]

very hip wording...look forward to more

[Amanda J. S.]

Love-struck-guy alert!!! ^^

[de_maruf]

nothing to worry
i start it after end

[Cynthia Man]

I don't really know what to say, I mean it's sure a good poem, but it kinda don't work that much for me personally... I think others will love it :) It's just there's something to do with myself, haha...Hope you don't mind me saying that :)

[de_maruf]

thank you very much