Little Miss Carmen

An exhausted gymnastics instructor is reminded of his romantic past by a little girl with a familiar face. Expression is the person's emotional need, but neglect is the employee's absolute requirement

"Little miss, open gym doesn't mean do-whatever-you-want gym. There are rules"I guess, if you remember them."

"What are they for?" she taps my leg, giggling.
"Well. They're there to keep you safe," I answer with a slow, sarcastic tone.
"I thought you do that super coach!"
"Doesn't mean-"
"Um, okay!" She looks at me knowing what she's done yet feeling so free.
"I told you to let me know where you're going."
"Mister, what's your name again?" She sits there on that bench biting her lip of serious intent to have her question answered. The lights inside the lobby flicker and she looks at me, clapping her feet to a beat I can clearly see. "I'll just call you coach. That's what you are right?"
"Yes. That's fine. Now, I need you to-"
"Can I go back in? I promise I'll follow the rules this time." Parents' curious eyes look at this girl who knows what a child should say to a concerned adult; well, at least to me. I can see their faint reflection moving slightly on the lobby window. Spotless. Clean.
"Alright. I'll let you go back in," I tell her with a nod.
"May I go to the restroom first."
"Yes. Thank you for asking." After my approval, she leaps from her seat and skips towards the restroom. One skip. Two skip. Three skip. The daring little girl dances lightly before the door closes itself from the world. Hide and seek, she always loved to play. It's been three months now since she and her sisters would come on this predictable Monday. The soda machine still churns with an acidic and sugary stomach. Parents watch their children fly and fall on the beams and trampolines before they return to their electronic devices. Same movements on the same day, yet it's a different time. And today, at six-thirty in a Monday evening, I sit here looking after this child.

Hm. Fifteen minutes in and her sisters aren't here. I never stopped to wonder until now, when all I can see are her little shoes on the cubby to my left, unmoved from when she set it down. I drag my feet against the carpet floor and smile to the tingle of a quick rest before my I need to stand up again. Lovely. Here she comes with washed hands. And I stand, yet again, sort of charmed.
"Okay. Where do you want to go?" I ask fast.
"Um." I look at her and her twinkling feet. Ten taps she takes before uttering a decision. "I want to go, um, to the ropes." She pats herself on the back. "Yeah! Let's go there." The little girl bolts across the gymnastics floor with each spring helping her stride. I follow her carefully, or with great fatigue, at this point I do not know. I truly wonder where that nuclear energy I had as a child had gone. And I wonder why I'm always thinking and thinking and thinking. As I watch her climb the rope, I'm convincing myself that I will be ready if she were to fall. But here I am also wondering why a six year old boy from last class would ask me if I had a girlfriend. Call me a nanny-machine that's currently assigned to take good care of this girl child; I search in my system anything that makes me feel human. If I had someone to love, maybe; there was someone, but now she's way above me. "Coach! How do I get down? I think I'm stuck."
"What do you mean?" My eyes scrunch with confusion.
"I don't know how to go down," she says as she looks down at me with a lady-like grimace.
"You're a strong girl. Quit messing around! I've seen you do the rope like a billion times!"
"Okay! Fine! Just kidding!"
"Slowly go down please." She climbs down easily as I keep my eyes at her. Charming little girl, how did you become like this? You speak like a girl my age. You speak like a girl who l can only survive by having something quick to reply. She climbs down easily as I keep my hands steady; ready, if she were to fall. "Good! See! Stop messing, when you know you can do it!"
"Okay. Who's that girl looking at you?" Coach Lilly is holding on to a girl's legs, loose and wild. The handstand is weak with this little girl's trembling triceps and non-existent shoulders. She looks at me here and there, while helping her own students. "Is that your girlfriend?" Little miss drags my shirt from my neckline.
"Whoa! No pulling! And no! What? What's with little kids curious about these things? My go-"
"Can I go play somewhere else?" This little girl has a talent for making me not care for my own questions.
"Where do you want to go?" I ask her as she runs and jumps over floor bars and small mats.
"The yellow trampoline!" she yells being half-way towards her gold mine of fun.
"Don't go on yet! I need to be there!" I hang the rope over a strong set of strings attached to the ceiling and on to a pole. I look immediately towards my right and she's there standing on the edge of the trampoline.

Carmen. I haven't seen you in years. The last time I remembered your face was when I wrote about how you cried in my dream. And how you wished and hoped and waited for me to be where you were. At the edge of the trampoline, crying in my dreams.

"Coach! Come! I'm waiting!"
"I'll be right there," I say under the shine of a glass ceiling, but she didn't hear me. And even if she did, she wants to see my body move towards her direction. She goes ahead and jumps forward, beginning her bounce. I stay silent and hasten my walk. Now I stand in between her and the rest of the world. Daylight glows to a vermillion and soon to total black.
"Can you grab a blue square and toss it to me?"
"What's a blue square?" I ask.
"Um. The ones right there." She points at the foam pit while struggling to stay flexed on the air.
"Don't go up as high if you're gonna be loose. And are you talking about the foam blocks?"
"Yeah, the blue squares. Duh!" I bend and pick a block, slightly rugged and partly severed. I toss it at her hitting her face. She doesn't complain. She just demands that I toss it again. And again. And again. "You have thirty minutes left little miss."
"Wee! What? How much minutes?"
"It's how many minutes. And I said thirty left."
"No! How much minutes?"
"Many!" I scratch my head as she bounces higher and higher.
"How much minutes?" She keeps at it with her taunting smile.
"Many!"
"Much!"
"Many," I whisper softly.
"K, I'm done. I'm going to travel Mister Coach. Wait! After I get water. Stay here." And I don't say a word. I stay and watch as she moves farther and farther.

Carmen. Should I have been your super man? I still don't know. No. I just couldn't be. Fought too much, loved too little. I listened to a voice telling me what I should do. Stay. And let you walk away. Now, my wondering aches my head. Cause I'm here and you're there. And I'm watching you walk the way you do and imagining you coming back the way you might. But how can I survive this off-set Monday without knowing how to feel? How can I survive watching a child who's unbroken"? Is that how little-girl-you looked like before I met you?

"Hey!" Miss Lilly in her green shirt hollers at me. Miss Lilly, coach Lilly. I raise my eye brows and nod. "Is that the little girl on your open gym?"
"What?" I wonder as I try to stand from a frozen position but my legs tremble, feeling numb. I look at the water fountain and little miss is nowhere to be found. "Oh, f**k," I whisper with a fiery f.
"She went inside the bathroom." Children circle around Miss Lilly waiting for her instructions. Parents look at their kids, looking disappointed at how much their children aren't doing anything during a time they paid for. And I'm here dumbed down to too numb to move.
"Thank you." I walk fast past Lilly. I knock at the bathroom door and little miss says she's inside. I can't hear her but she seems to be knocking back with faint murmurs. "Please open the door!" She replies no. I sit down crisscross and push my face against the door. I can hear her singing. Soft. "You can't be in there." I knock twice.
"Okay," she says back to me. I wait another fifteen seconds and there's no response.

What a little piece of s**t. Locking the door on me. Keeping me out of the car. Why you so mad little miss? How did we get here? Too mad to talk. Too mad to listen. How did we both get so, so sad"? Oh, now you want to let me in? I'm so heated I need winter to calm me down. I'll let the snow chill me out a little bit. So rub your hands together so you can warm yourself. Yeah, warm yourself little miss. Cause you don't need to be any more cold. I wish I can hear you sing whatever you're singing. Maybe it'll remind me of when I saw you as a little child, who I would sit in front of a locked door for. Carless man, careless man, why is there still so much love for Carmen?

"Is she okay?" Lilly asks me.
"I don't know. Haven't heard from her for a minute."
"What if she's like unconscious of something?"
"No I mean, I can hear her singing her little song," I look towards the door and project my voice through the crevice, "but she hasn't said anything to me!"
"She has five minutes left anyways. If you need me to talk to her I'll be at the corner. You know girl to girl thing." Lilly smiles and walks away with swaying hips. She had just dismissed her class. Stamps for everyone she said to her students, for doing such a good job. No stamps for me or you little miss behind this little door. Five minutes until I see you again little girl but already I can see your brown eyes and thin face, a countenance fit for little romance. Every Monday you'd smile at me and I'd smile back. How light are your feet that silence envies how well I listen? Pianissimo. Heart beating to a slight crescendo. La, la, la to you too.
The door knob creaks, opening too fast and sudden. She presents herself smiling and caring, hugging my leg before she runs back to her parents.

A note for you little miss. From me, a careless man"who was never heaven's recommendation. You're not the only child who here will be broken. Because I see how well you serve yourself with the delights of your passions. So here's a toast to all that you are and all that you will ever be. I see a little girl who never failed to look at me so sweetly. Even when other girls look and fall for me, swaying hips don't bloom enough to spring me back to my feet.

I am here like I was then. And was a Monday when you came, and a Monday you went. This careless man's task was to watch a girl yet he forgets to be present"even when this familiar miss who left with no kiss is no longer his"no longer mine. My not-so-little Carmen.

And like I once said, before you grew up and left. Have a good night.

______________________________

Author's Note:

Personally share a piece with me and I will read it. Upon your request, I will give my brutal honesty wrapped in grace and wrath.

Thank you for reading.

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