What to Wear When Your Sister is Marrying a Corpse (revised)

Short story about getting some surprise news

What to Wear When Your Sister is Marrying a Corpse

"I'm getting married!" Clarissa squealed as I slid onto the plum colored vinyl of the booth across from her.

“What!” I yelped, and the vinyl made a soft thud and squeak as I sat down faster than I had intended. 

She had called me this morning, demanding I meet with her right now at Dolly’s Cafe downtown. It was an hour long bus ride from my side of the world to downtown, but my sister refused to change the time, the place, or reveal anything over the phone, just insisting that it was urgent we meet immediately. 

I had wanted to say no and slam the end call button, but knew that if I did there would be a tearful phone call from my mother that night and I would have to listen for hours as she sobbed over how I didn’t love my little sister anymore. Or worse there would be a visit from her and dad. She would cry pitifully and dad would give me his disapproving stare and nod at the correct intervals. I didn’t have enough tissues in my house to deal with that situation. 

So here I was at Dolly’s, an establishment that was so very my sister’s taste. The day glow pink neon sign proclaiming the name in elaborately curlicued letters was plastered above the windows, taking up the entire width of the store front. The sidewalk outside the door was filled with enough flowers to make passing by a hazard for absent minded pedestrians and I had needed to edge past an aggressive selection of daisies perched precariously on a plinth to get into the dining room. 

 

I emerged into the dining room and while few tables were occupied the place was mostly empty, which I would have expected at two o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon. My sister, sitting in a booth by the massive window waved both hands above her head in her overly enthusiastic ‘Pick me! Pick me!’ dance, as if the cafe was monstrously overcrowded and only through monumental effort would I be able to spot her. 

I was still getting settled and she was doing the happy puppy squirm when she dropped her momentous statement on me. She looked at me expectantly while I tried to think. Her soft, heart shaped face had a natural glow that only comes from makeup so thick it has to be smeared on with a trowel. A delicate pink trowel with rhinestones on the handle, knowing my sister. 

 

I stared at that prettily made up face in shock and she giggled at my stunned reaction. Struggling to recover I grasped at the closest words that seemed relevant. "Really, I didn't even know you were dating someone," I said weakly. I tried for a supportive smile, but I only managed sickly.

She beamed at me, "I know," her cornflower blue eyes twinkled as if it were some marvelous joke. "I wanted to keep it private until I knew I had met my soul mate."

I struggled not to roll my eyes, I knew there was no way discussing the topic of soul mates could end with anything other than an explosive argument followed by my sister storming off in tears so I steered the conversation back to something more relevant.

"So what's he like?" I asked, trying to think of an inoffensive opening question. "Have I met him before? Did you take him to meet our parents yet?"

Before she could answer a teenaged waitress with a bouncy ponytail approached our table with a vivacity that I could only envy to take my drink order. I waited for the girl to ask Clarissa, but she trotted off after my answer so I assumed Clarissa must have ordered just before I got there. 

My sister still hadn’t answered and while I waited for her to pick her words I let my gaze wander over the place. A third of the interior was taken up by with three booths along the outer wall and a couple of chintzy table and chair sets that looked like an afterthought. The rest of the space was filled with an enormous, impressively stocked bar that struck me as unexpected in an eatery advertised as a cafe. Suddenly the reason my sister had picked this place became more apparent and I did a quick mental check of my bank account. Day drinking with my sister was always an event not for the faint of heart. Or light of pocket.

I followed the line of the bar, reading over some of the more expensive labels and wincing until I reached its end, where our waitress was now standing with an older woman who seemed to be explaining something about the cash register. They both wore the same uniform, but where the gold and red looked bright and cheerful on the teen the older woman looked like a renegade fast food worker fresh from parole. 

Returning my attention to our table I was about to press Clarissa for an answer when she finally replied, "Oh, I wouldn't think you’d know him.” She waved her hands airily as if the notion of introducing her fiancé to her family was an annoying fly that she could shoo away. "He's the night manager at that McDonald's over on third." She said, her blue eyes suddenly driving into mine. Her fluttering hands struck while I was distracted and she grabbed my hands in a limpet like grip, trying to drive her sincerity into me through sheer force of contact. "He's ever so kind and smart and handsome!" She said, her smile so wide that my own cheeks ached in sympathy. 

I also noticed she had avoided the question about our parents, which was odd. Usually she could do no wrong in their eyes. I surreptitiously tried to free my hands, but she clung with a determination seen only in terriers and toddlers. "He sounds great," I said distractedly. "I can't wait to meet him."

"Oh, you'll meet him before the wedding," she said brightly.

I was too caught up in trying to free myself from her now uncomfortably tight grip to really hear what that tone of voice was telling me. "When is the wedding?" I asked, more for something to say.

Just as I escaped her grasp she answered my question, "Tomorrow," she sighed dreamily, her face alight with the thought of pretty dresses and being the center of attention for an entire day.

In my frantic efforts to free myself I had knocked the dessert menu with its tempting list of distressingly humorous drink names off the table and out the window. Apparently when picking the furnishings for this establishment they had spent the money for window glass on the bar. 

My eyes drawn were drawn to the fluttering paper, it’s escape into the street had revealed neatly stacked plates and three wine glasses. Apparently Clarissa had taken advantage of my long bus ride to get a head start on the meal. Again. I recalculated the number in my bank account. If it was three different wines then they couldn’t all be the most expensive. I might be able to cover it. Then her words hit me, jolting me away from the numbers dancing in my head.

"What!" I hollered almost at the top of my voice, all of the tension from the previous conversation coming out in that single word. Everyone in the restaurant turned to stare at me. My sister's face went from pumpkin grin to box of dead kittens.

*This is your sister and you love her,* I reminded myself, repeating the thought over and over until I felt able to speak coherently. “That’s… just… so soon…” I gabbled.

Her bright cheer tried to reassert itself, but didn’t quite manage it. “Oh, yeah, well. You know how it is.”

I didn’t. 

I ran my hands through my hair and I scrambled to come up with an escape. My darting gaze caught sight of the two waitresses watching our conversation and saw the younger one cover her mouth as she whispered something in the older one’s ear. Well that could not be good. My sister cleared her throat pointedly, redirecting my attention to her.

“You guys must have been dating a while then,” I tried, reaching deep into my brain for some sitcom dialogue to fill in this train wreck of a conversation.

She let out a particularly saccharine sigh. “Almost two, whole weeks,” she gushed, her eyes full of romance. “It’s all been such a whirlwind! He says at his age he doesn’t want to waste a moment!”

I almost missed the last sentence since I was trying to wrap my brain around the first part. “Two week? Two weeks!?” To be fair, it was longer than any of her other relationships had lasted and the girl had been in dozens. “Wait, how old is this guy?”

“He looks about 27,” she hedged. 

One word stood out to me. “Looks? How old is he really?”

She tried to look shifty. She tried so hard, but she had the acting skills of a wet dishrag and instead of sly she looked as if she couldn’t remember if she’s left the oven on. “We, um, never really talked about it… but I think he’s like… 300? Maybe 350?”

“I think my ears stopped working for a moment. Did you say 300? As in three zero zero?”

“I mean, unless it’s 350. I wasn’t really listening. He has these eyes, they are so dreamy!” 

“Yes, Clarissa, most people have eyes. What they don’t have is triple digit birthdays! What exactly are you marrying?”

“Didn’t I tell you? He’s a vampire! One of the super sexy ones, you know, like those sparkly books.”

Again, I did not know. My sister vastly overestimated my knowledge of pop culture.

“You cannot marry a vampire!” I shouted, the words leaving my mouth before I had a chance to fully think them through. Sadly, not an unusual occurrence for me. 

At my outburst not only did the people in the restaurant look at me, several people in the street stopped. A few even came over to the window to watch the show, shuffling for space amid the unruly flower display. Everyone loves a free performance, but I was too worked up to truly pay attention the people gawking at us.

Clarissa as a minor actress on the other hand, was excellent at playing the crowd and gave me her patented tragic look. The expression gave the impression that I had just revealed that not only was Santa not real, but the Easter bunny didn’t actually lay Easter eggs, and Cupid was a Greek God not a chubby baby with a bow. 

Her mouth wobbled and her eyes teared up, “I can marry whoever I want! You’re not the boss of me!”

I opened my mouth to argue and shut it again. There’s not a lot of comebacks for that which would make me sound like the rational adult in this situation. 

I tried desperately to think of a way to explain myself, that it was the length of the relationship and my sister’s tragically bad taste in men that concerned me, but before I could even start Clarissa stepped out of the booth and stood, her posture straight and offended. 

“You can come if you want, but not if you are going to be mean about it. Oh, and wear something with a high collar. Teddy is inviting his family and I don’t want them to get the wrong idea.” 

With that parting line she picked up her tiny, designer purse and stalked out of the restaurant like she had smelled something rotten. Her heels clicked on the black and white checked floor, each sounding to me like a short, sharp declaration of war.

“Damn. Damndamndamn,” I muttered, my head sinking into my hands. There was definitely going to be a visit from my parents after this.

From the corner of my eye I saw a small brown hand push the lost drinks menu back onto the table. “Thanks,” I said, but there was no response and when I looked up the people who had been drawn by my outburst had wandered off.

The teen waitress stalked over to the table, no longer bouncy or cheerful. She slammed the plastic check holder onto the table. I looked up at her, startled, and she snapped her gum in my face. “My best friend married a vampire and they are VERY happy,” she said with a bite of accusation in her voice.

“Good for them,” I said, trying not to make eye contact. 

Somehow this always happened. Whenever Clarissa and I got together I always ended up the bad guy. I looked at the bill. Three glasses of different wines on top of the most expensive items on the menu. And she had conveniently forgotten to leave any money to pay for herself so I ended up paying for everything. And I still hadn’t gotten my drink.

Damnit. Some days I would have given good money to be an orphan.  

Reviews

[emipoemi]

I have to say off the bat that this is a brilliant premise! It's humorous, intriguing, and for the most part keeps readers going right to the punch at the very end. If I may be so bold, however, you're a tad lacking in your construction and progression. You've lain out a scenario the likes of which would be filmed in the foreground but you've left out all - or rather the majority - of the background necessities that give a story life.
Story starts in "in medias res" which is awesome, and we learn that our protagonist just sit down as the announcement was made. Yet you proceed to say that the protagonist jaw drops "at that point". There's a beat missing. The act of sitting down requires a little orientation before being fully present in the scene and getting bombarded with news while in the act of sitting is gonna be a smack in the face, like "whoa, sis! Did I just hear you correctly? You're getting married!? - That's right - *jaw drops*". You can also take the moment then to describe the diner: like the first waitress, which we never see - we're only told there was a first because a "different one" came with the check to deliver the funniest line in the story - giving her stakes and purpose to be the one to bring the check instead of the first, who we should see for comparison, would be great for the arc of the story. You neither say whether they're in a booth or other, which is pretty important - we only infer that when the people look in from the window, which isn't specified until a way's down (and that part was wtf to me as why was she being so nonchalant at having an audience? The "free performance" was funny - it would be even funnier if she's a struggling actress and the only times people see her perform is during the luncheons with her sister - but why would she be nonchalant? Unless she is a struggling actress and there's irony in this, show that. Add stakes to the humour).
Also, I don't particularly recall knowing who's the older of the two. There's an argument that Clarissa is the younger, but she may also be the older - this would be good information (adds to the character development).
Careful with using the same word in close proximity (you use "manage" a lot, for instance - twice between two individual lines - and probably a little too much).
Don't be afraid to show the beats: some progressions like the "surreptitiously trying to remove the hands", the "trying to look shifty" - the former, for instance, has an implication that she succeeded as we never get the sense that Clarissa kept her grip until two lines down when she does succeed in releasing her hands. We need the whole picture, not just movie snaps (writing is painting the whole scene with words, and a picture is worth a thousand, as the saying goes); the latter repeats the "she tried" in the next sentence, which is redundant (kind of works, I can see what you were going for, but you could easily just start with "so hard" and it would make just as much sense and sound better). Flow with the sentences and the story will flow as a result.
Lastly, orphan means no parents - "only child" is the word you were looking for.

Hope this gives some food for thought as to how to edit this. Because, I mean what I said: it's a brilliant premise, you're just missing a few factors to really embolden the story; to really allow it to breathe! Great start! If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

[Lyra]

So I did some revisions (probably didn’t catch all the typos), but I’m not sure where to start/stop with the details. I have a tendency to go far into detail and people’s eyes glaze or breeze over too much and miss a bunch, would you be willing to help me find a balance? Thank you so much already for all the detailed help, it is incredibly inspiring!

[emipoemi]

Ok, this has a much better structure to advise and maneuver. You are correct that you missed a few typos and original comments, but the original critique is still up so you can review in your own time. I like the new intro, for the most part, just not quite without a hitch yet. Overall (as this next comment isn't just applicable to the new intro and subsequent additions) if you have an antecedent, you don't need to repeat specific details: like when she slides into he booth and there's the squeak, you already mentioned she sat down and the "as I slid into the booth" followed. This kind of progression tends to be clunky. Another example is the waitress having an enthusiasm to envy but also vivacious - you can combine the two ideas by simply going "A waitress with a bouncy ponytail approached out table with a teenage enthusiasm I could only envy" - boom! I can't find a direct example where you repeat the actual subject again (the one thing I hate about writer's cafe is there's no way to mark places to comment - unlike google docs), but there are a couple I recall seeing. But basically, the intro having the floral setting and whatnot is a nice touch, but it gets clunky going into the diner. You have great lines like the floral arrangements and the "such my sister's taste" and the "eatery advertised as a cafe" having a bar, but you could take the best of that and put it after the "I'm getting married!" Because that's a strong start. And you can pace yourself. Have the line "Clarissa squealed as I slid into the booth". Then proceed to have the plum squeak under the pressure, the notice of the aggressive floral arrangement just outside the paneless window (maybe she sneezes from the overwhelming aroma wafting from such a close distance? maybe she's semi-allergic to the pollen?), scoff that "this is so my sister's taste" before clocking what she had said and go "wtf? did I hear you correctly?" Then when the bubbly waitress comes over, pick your beats: we need that she's bubbly, the ordering of the drink, the seeing her go (where we could possibly get a sense as to what the place looks like from the inside - aka "eatery advertised as a cafe" with a bar), and of course we need the notice of the plates and probably empty wineglass - or half empty, your choice (and this aspect was very intriguing and you didn't play with it much: Clarissa had three glasses of wine and a couple of expensive pastries or whatever, so it begs the question: did Clarissa come too early or the sister too late? It could add to the sister's disgust if she came a little late, like "what does my whacky sister want now? She had to drag me all the way to this diner in the boondocks (or other end of town) and she's not gonna pay for anything anyway". Use these brilliant details to your advantage). Other factors to consider: if the garden outside is too aggressive, no one is that close to the window (most restaurants won't have pedestrian access that close to a booth anyway), so the crowd would form along the sidewalk amidst the aggressive floral arrangement or something like that. You could also allude, if you really want, to the bubblegum waitress, eyeing them from the bar area or something (maybe when the sister scans the diner as the bubbly one leaves towards the kitchen? the bar? the touchscreen ordering device that most restaurants have).

So, overall, you're on the right track. You have your bits and pieces, you just need to arrange them in a way that flows. And don't forget about beats. Like I've said before: every detail should elicit the next - like a chain. If the progression is clunky or jumps too sudden from the flow, chances are you're missing a beat in order for that progression to make sense. Take it slow, don't slop over moments because you have gold with this story - you have gold with all the stories that might get compiled into this world. You just need to lay out the groundwork and build upwards. It takes time and patience, but you're getting there, and I'll be here if you have any more questions.

One last thing: try to use as few adverbs as you can (especially don't have them too close to each other unless they're for a poetic reason, which in the case of "ferociously" and "distractedly" it's not). Adverbs are good, and necessary for certain occasions, but where you can dispense with an adverb in favour of an active expression, do, it makes the writing all the bolder and juicier. Good luck!

[Lyra]

Ok, try number 3. I’m still not sure the beats are completely right. I think I addressed most things, there were a couple I left in just because I like them. The repeated tried is just a phrasing that makes me happy (I love emphasis through repetition, I’ve probably read too many children’s books). The orphan phrase I left too mostly because if I write a second part about the wedding I want to show the strained relationship the main character has with their parents as well. I did try to add a little more hinting at that so the last phrase isn’t quite as abrupt.

As always I am incredibly grateful for your time and advice. I’m trying to implement them in some of my in-progress stories as well!

[emipoemi]

So, let me rephrase what my intended meaning in the last comment: it wasn't what you were saying, it was how. I had absolutely adored what you were getting at in the beginning of Version 2, but it took away from the power of beginning with the bang of "I'm getting married!" What I was trying to say was to cut that new intro up and attach certain sections of it throughout the rest of the story - which in Version 3 you do wonderfully (and you even caught some things I hadn't mentioned specifically but did apply to my comments, which I applaud you for). But you're right in that the beats aren't fluid yet but you're getting the hang of it. The story runs a lot smoother compared to the first draft and all the necessary beats are there, you just need to arrange them in the right order.

Again, the best way to think about beats is the aspects that make a scene have a natural progression. Without something happening first the next thing can't happen at all. This is why I had suggested acting it out to yourself, on your feet, getting a feel for what happens to your body, mind, surroundings when a certain action occurs. Because crafting a story is the exact same procedure. Natural flow. So when Clarissa's line opens the story "as [the sister] slid into the booth", the sister needs to "react". A reaction can be done actively or passively. Actively would mean a direct response to the comment/announcement - whatever is being said - but you clearly want the sister to still get comfortable before clocking the words. So a passive reaction is in order. Passive is beating about the bush a little, which you do with talking about Dolly's in the next paragraph - good. BUT! It's not natural to start talking about the where before we know the how we got there. What's that how? Clarissa had waved her over in her "pick me!" way. That's what comes next. Not Dolly's yet. That should come a little after (absolutely wonderful how you paced the full description of the diner - stupendous! We don't even learn about the checkered floor until the end when Clarissa is walking on it - perfect way to introduce details. Same goes for the plum vinyl of the booth. Save it for when she's still getting comfortable before clocking the words).
You have a set up for a great piece of comedy but didn't take it. Sister is trying to dislodge her hands from Clarissa's grip but the knocking the menu out the window bit should be paired with the shock of "tomorrow", otherwise Clarissa might want to know why her sister doesn't want to hold hands with her (might be another quirk with Clarissa - she always wants to be cuddly but the sister finds her annoying nonetheless). You would also need to consider exactly why Clarissa even grips her hands in the first place. No need to tell me, just show. It's good to keep the Five W's in mind as you write as well. Who's who, what's what, why does it happen and when (you've already nailed the where factor). But pairing the release with the shock adds the humour to the knocking the drink menu out the window, which you've ingeniously paired with the all the money gone to bar left no glass for the window (a little wonkily worded in the story, but the right idea). You also made a nice reveal of the plates and glasses (also was also wonky, but right idea), and generally speaking you don't get another glass with another order of the same drink, but I love how Clarissa has three different glasses. Play on that more. The more you play on details, the more vibrant the character and the world as a whole. The three glasses could be a quirk or she sampled three different wines, which is hilarious.

Other than those two primary aspects, you just need to set up certain aspect more (don't slop over stuff, every bit matters that concerns the progression). Are we supposed to believe the "renegade fresh off parole" is the "seen-it-all" waitress at the end? If so, the repetition of "renegade" should substitute and the "seen-it-all" bit somehow tied into the description of her introduction. For the sake of flow, because you're editing and reconstructing this story, what you do to one area, the rest of story should be rewritten accordingly where applicable. Example: if that "seen-it-all" is the "renegade" then the two paragraphs should be linked. If the bubbly waitress wasn't the one getting taught how to use the register then maybe a thought as to what the heck happened to the bubbly waitress that she's now getting this sour, seen-it-all one with the greatest quip of the entire story. Another example: She mentions "I hope I had brought enough money" knowingly for the upcoming meal, but we don't get that explanation until the very end - too far apart. It's important info and I do like it best at the end, but a set up before this reveal is necessary. Which you attempt but it's not fully fleshed out. Instead of a "telly" thought, use a "showy" moment; use the reveal of the plates and glasses as a base of "oh s**t, if I don't tread carefully, this might cost me more than my dignity" - or whatever, and then rewrite the "this always happened when we met" accordingly (because you also say before that Clarissa and the sister are prone to argument, which undermines the revelation of "this always happens").

So it's not the ideas - you have ample ideas and every single one utter brilliance - it's the way you're presenting them and in the order they appear. And flesh - flesh - flesh (is it ironic to say that when the topic is vampires? lol Same goes for the wolf story and that's more appropriate lol)- act it out physically to understand the authenticity of the progression (trust me, it helps). When you pause the dialogue for narrative, you're bending the passage of time in the world of the story. So if the last line of dialogue is a matter of importance, the time it takes to read through the following narrative generally would be the time the speaker would be waiting on an answer (because the reader is). But if the last line is casual, the narrative, no matter how long could even last a second in the story world. When the waitress comes, and breaks the conversation - great - use that to order and follow her away to describe the rest of Dolly's. When you turn back to Clarissa, she hasn't answered yet, and that's when you press her: "well?" At the beginning when I advise the better way to be passive in the progression, that's bending time, because the sister hadn't clocked the big announcement yet because she's too busy trying to sit herself in the booth and scoffing at her sister's tastes. Bending time for a reason - such a reason that every action in the story should have (the Five W's).

You're doing so well! You should be proud of the efforts you've put in already as they're coming along nicely, but patience - patience - patience - you'll get there soon enough.

One more thing: you haven't yet properly explained the use of "orphan" within the confines of the story itself, but given the two characters are sisters and the parents are mere mentions without much power over them (rather over the sister - they seem to over Clarissa, like she's the favourite regardless of what she does), "only child" is the better expression. If you vamped it up (pun actually unintended here lol) and you really made us understand that Clarissa was the favourite (AND the younger), then being an "orphan" would make a little more sense in the context that Clarissa would have no one to turn to for advice or validation than her sister (rather than the current interpretation which implies she's wishes she didn't have such an annoying idiotic sister like Clarissa).

[Raven A. Myn]

This was a fun read. Good job!

[Lyra]

Thank you for the review! I really appreciate it!

[Mamalou]

Entertaining, quick read. Did not expect the vampire part, but you made it work.