Loving you

A two sided tale of first love that wasn't meant to be.

I came out of the exam hall with a smile on my face a huge goofy grin, finally my last major exam was over. All I could think of was that I wanted to tell Sam, I could spend some time with him again, he had got so grumpy a couple of days ago when I said I had to revise, he had his football, he had never really got into the academic side of school. I suppose that is why people said we were an odd pair, totally different. I had met him when, I was four, when I was in year 1, he said I had a nice smile and nice eyes and I made him laugh, by year two we were holding hands and year 3 we were an item, my whole life it was only Sam, I didn't really notice anyone else, he was my best friend. He was better at me at getting on with other people, he had his "team" friends. I didn't really like them that much, all crass and into themselves, and although Sam sometimes tried to be like them, which I teased him for, with me he was just my silly old Sam I know I kept him grounded.

I asked Lauren Herts if she had seen him, and she said no, shrugging her shoulders, but there was something odd in her no, like her eyes didn't match what she was saying. I shrugged it off as I noticed her head following my direction round the corridor. As I walked towards the canteen a few people began to watch me, I thought it was my smile, I didn't go around smiling very often, Sam said I was too serious. 

Then I saw him, MY SAM with his face on some girl, Nicole Herring. In that moment it was like someone had sucked all the air out of the room and frozen what was left, the next few minutes went in slow motion. He looked up and saw me standing there, staring at him. His face looked at me like I was a ghost, with horror. He whispered something to her and she stood up and looking at me, she actually shrugged, I felt rage, but it was stuck, like a scream trapped inside your mouth. Then the rest of the canteen all seemed to leave at once, muffled somewhere in the background was a beeping, the lesson change over. He walked over to me and stood there looking straight at me, like he was considering what he should say, then he looked down, ashamed, my beautiful Sam, why?.....

"I'm sorry" he said and walked on past me, I should have called after him, but my knees gave way and I fell on them, kneeling in the canteen, I finally I took a breath, gasping at the air, trying to fill my lungs with air that could stop the pain. I felt an arm on my shoulder,  it felt like an electric bolt, I snapped my head round to look at who it was, hoping desperately it was Sam, come to tell me this had all been a mistake. I shrunk back as i recognised the hand as Sandy's, I didn't know her second name then. She was talking to me, I saw her mouth opening but I couldn't hear her over the screams inside my head, SAM SAM. 

"are you ok" the sound rushed in like a tsunami. All I could think of was that it was a pretty stupid question, seen as it was the end of the world, and I was on my knees in the canteen, with now streams of tears running down my face, and small sobs escaping from my mouth. 

She put her arm under mine, and lifted me upright, and led me towards the doors to the yard outside. The air hit me like a wave of frozen water. I looked at her. We had barely spoken to each other, she was always in the library when I was and we acknowledged each other, but we moved in different circles, I was with Sam and she was with her goth freinds. Although I had always known I liked her, some inexplicable feeling you get when you meet certain people. 

She got out a cigarette and lit it and looked at me and then offered me one, and I took it, I had never smoked a cigarette in my life, and certainly never considered smoking in school so brazenly as a possible scenario of my life. She lit it for me and I took a drag, and then I coughed and spluttered for what seemed like forever, and she looked at me and smiled, don't drag so hard on it, and I took another drag and this time although it now tasted like burnt ashes had replaced the taste buds in my mouth, I didn't cough. I put it out after another drag, and my head began to blur as I wobbled. 

"how'd the maths go?" she asked under a breath of smoke.

"great"  but my world has just ended and I don't want to think about a bloody maths exam, I just want to run after my Sam and make him see... I wanted to say all that. 

"yeah, think I aced it to" she beamed. She looked towards the poster advertising our year 11 prom. 

"you going" she nodded towards the poster.

I looked at her like she was mad....going to the prom, of course I WAS going to the prom, I have the most beautiful dress to wear, I have an appointment at the hairdressers to get my hair curled and put up like Sam likes it, I was going to wear the necklace he gave me for Christmas.

"I don't think so" I sniffed miserably.

"you wanna come down town then" she offered.

"maybe, yeah, but I better get off now" I stopped and turned to look at her again. An angel had come and she was it, my grandmother had always said to me that there were angels everywhere and in everyone. "thanks", I said forcing my mouth into the resemblance of a smile. 

She acknowledged me with a nod, stubbed her cigarette on the ground with her foot, and told me to let her know about coming out.

I walked out of school and I don't to this day know how I managed it but I went on auto pilot until I got home. I opened the front door ran up into my room, fell onto the bed and let it out like a torrent of rain.

                       ------------------------

SAM

I was so mad at her, I didn't even know why that much, I just felt left out like those bloody books where more important than me, she always had something better to do. I suppose it was the way my mates were with there girl freinds all touching and seeing each other all the time. All they could talk about was the S.E.X. they were having, and she would barley let me get past third base, she wanted to wait just a bit longer, we had been going out for 11 years for god sake. I know I sound like a right dick, but it was what I was feeling, this rage inside of me that needed some release, I took it out on the pitch mostly, but it was getting harder. Then when she said she had some exam to study for when she had promised for a week she would see me I just saw red. 

I phoned up Paul, a mate from footy, and asked him where he was off and when he said he was going down the nook and there was supposed to be some party going on, I asked him if I could go with him, he had been asking me to out with them forever. He laughed and said he would pick me up on the way and that I should bring a few cans if I could, as the shop had got all strict since it had got busted a month ago. I wasn't much of a drinker, the body is a temple and all that, but really it was because i didn't want Steph to think badly of me, she hated drinking, as her grandfather had been a bit of a drunk and her mam had had instilled it in her. I sneaked in the garbage and pinched a couple of me dads special brew, I didn't want to look like an idiot, and I thought if I took my own at least I could have some control. 

Paul really loved himself, we all laughed at the way he kept a comb in his back pocket like some mod from the sixties. At every window he would look at himself admiringly, I think if he was chocolate he would have eaten himself, I chuckled to myself as he passed the car on the way up my drive looking in the wing mirror as he passed. 

When we got to the party it was already in full swing everyone laughing and dancing, my bad mood just started to lift, on my second can I felt the tension just leave like a black cloud passing. Paul went off with his date for the evening,  he wasn't that into longtime relationships, so he told me. I started thinking about Stephanie, feeling a little guilty for being so petulant with her. I smiled as I thought of her laughing on one of our adventures, the time when we fell in the river, and she thought we were going to die of hyperthermia, and she wrapped me up in a blanket all night, but that's what we did, I brought her out of herself and she keeps me safe. I must have had that dreamy look on my face when Nicole came over. She smiled a beautiful big perfect white toothed smile, my heart started racing, I don't know why, maybe the way she was looking at me, I had already noticed the top two buttons of her top loosened just enough to see her cleavage bulging out over the top, she had what Paul called 'Bouncy Castle breasts'. 

"hey Nicole" I muttered trying to be casual and not let her see how she was affecting me.

She leaned in closer to me as someone squeezed past her, oh my, she's touching me, I could feel something stirring inside me, I took another large gulp of my can. 

"So you here by yourself" I knew right there and then what she meant and I should have said Stephs name out loud just to ground myself, but I didn't, I let her sit and I made her laugh and we got drunk together and started kissing and she just let my hands wander and I waited for her to tell me stop or push me off but she never did, and I wanted it so badly. Steph just went out of my head I pushed her out...

I saw Nicole the next day after the match and she just ran up to me, it had been a  good game, and she hugged me, and I should have pushed her off, but I was in too deep. And then the next day at lunch and I thought Steph was in her exam otherwise I would have never kissed her like that in public, I didn't want to any way but she started stroking me there and  leaning in.

Then I looked up and I saw her, her mouth open just standing there frozen to the spot, and my heart stopped beating I was sure. What have I done, MY STEPHANIE, my beautiful precious Stephanie, the bell went, I whispered to Nicole that I would see her later, she got the hint and left. Then it was just me and her, I wanted to run and fall at her feet and tell her how sorry I was, that I was stupid, that it meant nothing, but the way she was looking at me like like I was the biggest b*****d on the face of the Earth, and I was, I am, and I felt so ashamed that all I could say was sorry, and I had to get away from there because I could feel the earth beginning to swallow me up. I got around the corner and I hear her, she's crying, oh no I need to go back, she needs me, but when I got there her freaky goth friend was there, helping her up. I walked away and I felt it for the first time, an actual pain in my heart, what have I done? 

Steph

After I cried all I could I was left feeling numb inside, it was like all the colour had faded to grey, I walked around The house like a zombie, mam was great she was a real rock for once, but she wasn't enough. The next day there was a text on my phone.

'we should talk'. Sam

I texted back

'go to hell' Steph

'please' was the reply

I felt so angry then so enraged I threw my phone on the floor and it broke, I tried to put it back together, what If we should talk, what if I shouldn't have been so harsh, now he will think I don't want too. Then five minutes later he was at my door and I didn't have to talk anymore. Mam let him in and went to the shops knowing we needed some space. He sat down like he had done a thousand times so comfortable in his usual chair, but it felt wrong somehow, like he was overstepping some invisible line of what you should and shouldn't do. He patted the chair next to him, encouraging me to sit down next too him, didn't he get it, I didn't even want to breath the same air as him right then let alone sit next to him. I walked to the other end of the room and sat in a chair. 

"how long, Sam?" I asked needing to know.

"just three days, look Steph, it was a mistake, I was stupid, you were so busy" he pleaded.

"so this is my f*****g fault is it" I raged at him, how dare he!

"no I didn't mean it like" He stammered as I interrupted.

" what. Was. A . Mistake" I said not wanting the words to come out of my mouth, I already knew the answer, I could tell, there was just something different about him, a swagger.

"everything" he said simply hiding his face in his hands.

"Sam" I gasped. "how could you?"

Then I heard him, he was weeping into his hands, and I wanted to go over and cuddle him, console him, he was mine, I wanted to reclaim him, but I couldn't this was my hard limit, I had always told him, if he cheated or hit me that would be it. I began to go cold inside, I could feel my heart ice over. 

"I think you should leave"  I said with all the strength I could muster and gave a polite grimaced smile. 

He stood up and looked down at me with big red eyes, pleading with me to forgive him "I'm so sorry Steph, I just want you, I need you, you make me whole" He whispered kneeling down beside me.

I took a deep breath and with all I had left inside I said "that would appear not to be the case, I believed in you Sam Umbrid, I gave you my heart and sole, my future, my past, and you chucked me aside like I was nothing, how can I ever begin to trust you again, it's ruined, you have ruined everything. please just go" I turned away from him.  

Three years later

I was on a night out in town, one of the rare ones, in the premier team, life meant you couldn't just go out any more, there were fines and media people, and contracts. Every where I went I was like some pop star, blokes I didn't even know coming up to me shaking my hand, and the women, they just came and came, then I met Janie and she stopped them and life became a bit simpler. I had been dragged out by Paul, I hadn't seen him in ages and the season was over and hard training had been relaxed a little so I thought 'why not'. I didn't drink that much as I had trained myself not too, a beer in this pub a coke in the next, but I was merry. I was starting to feel tired by the time we got to the night club, it was past my bed time, I couldn't stop yawning, Paul was calling me a part-timer, I smirked at him, he was enjoying being out with me, he liked the attention I hated. 

He was talking to some blonde girl with platform heals that made her legs go on forever, but her face was so plastered in make-up she looked like something from the rocky horror show, but Paul must have got his beer goggles on because he didn't seem to notice. I turned away from them scanning the room biding my time for an opportunity to go home, I was sick now. 

Then I saw her, Steph, I was sure it was her, her hair was a little longer, and she was dressed to kill, who was she with, god it's that goth Sandy, but she wasn't a goth anymore she looked almost normal, they were dancing, Steph had always been a good dancer, it was as if the music just took over her body and she was just a puppet to the beat, they were laughing, she looked so care free, happy. Then a bloke came over and started snuggling into that Sandy. Steph backed off and shouted something to Sandy, then she started coming towards me in my direction, I panicked and looked away, she turned away from me towards the bar  she leaned over it and her figure looked fantastic, my Steph all grown up. Hmm. 

I couldn't help myself I had to see her to talk to her, I didn't know what to say, I felt 

like I was nine again wanting to kiss her properly for the first time at the school disco. She turned from the bar having got her drink, for a moment she didn't recognise me, then there it was that look in her eye, it was like the whole room just faded around us. After what seemed like an eternity she smiled and I could feel myself relax as she said my name, and I smiled back, a big wow you still take my breath away smile. 

"Steph, how have you been" I said not thinking about the volume, she leaned closer. So that she could hear. 

"I said how are you" but I wanted to reach out and touch her, make sure she was real. 

Her eyes indicated that we should go to the corridor where we could hear each other, I lead the way, looking back to make sure she was following me. We stopped, and she hugged me just like that, removing all the distance between us, I smelled her hair it was lushous, I leaned my hand out to touch her shoulder not wanting to let her go.

Before I knew what I had said the words just came out of my mouth

"I've missed you!"

She looked at me taken aback, I could see the fear reflected in her eyes, then she shook it off, and very casually like she was speaking to an old friend, said.

"I've missed you too Sam Umbridge."

Then we started talking, me about finally making it on to the first team, and my crazy mormon style life, and she about her second year at uni, she had made it to Oxford, she was always so clever, so driven. It was so easy talking to her, we laughed about the times we had spent at school, the first time we danced together and how she had called me spider boy. I wanted to lean over and kiss her right there and then, she was so beautiful. 

Then just like that the spell was broken, Janie, I forgotten all about texting her to tell her where I was. She was looking at me with a 'who the f**k is this b***h' look, and I couldn't tell her the truth, Janie please meet the love of my life, who I royally screwed up with, whom I still think about all the time.

"Janie this is an old friend from school, Steph this is my girlfriend Janie"  I offered, Janie stood looking pleased with herself, that she had been rightfully vindicated. And although Steph smiled I knew the hurt that brewed beneath, because I had seen that look before. She said too politely that it was nice to have seen me again, and walked off towards the dance floor again.

S**t, s**t s**t, I said to myself, Janie started to wrap herself around me, and I shook her off irritated, I needed to run after Steph, tell her how I felt. But here I was and there she was, and what could I do?

--------

Steph

How could I have been such a fool, when I saw him standing at the bar it was like wow, such a pull, and I only meant to say hi, but he looked so, so, oh I don't know. I know I hugged him, and told him I missed him, if only he knew how much. 

I hadn't seen him in well over three years, after school he went off to football academy and I went off to college, I hung around mostly with Sandy and we didn't go to the kind of places that trainee footballers go, not then. After that I got a place at Oxford studying medicine, a real dream come true, but my first year had been hard away from my family, and the work load was really tough, I work part-time as well in a wine shop. Most of the other students come from money and I can't even begin to compete, so I mostly stay on the sidelines, making only a couple of friends. Sandy stayed close to home studying to be a social worker, she's not such a goth now, she found out everyone was a goth at uni, and she never really liked being part of the crowd, so 1950s fashion became her thing. I hadn't seen her for ages I was only home for the weekend, when we decided to go out spur of the moment, and although I do sometimes think about Sam, I kind of put him to the back of the album in my mind, and wasn't expecting to see him at all in some seedy club. 

But there he was, and it just felt so natural to be with him again and he was looking at me like he used to before, well before that day, and I kinda wanted to be still mad at him, but enough time had passed and all that was left was the purity of what we had been. Was he really looking at me like that, maybe it's just me fantasies about my oh so perfect relationship that ended with me not having the slightest clue on what went wrong. I guess maybe that's why I'm still a bit hung up on him because, I never felt I had any real closure. It was so hard being with someone like that for so long and then all of a sudden them not being there anymore, the closest I can describe it to is like grieving  for someone, I lost my Gran last year and it felt like that. But time lessens the pain and I had got to a good place within myself, I have even just started to see someone, after a disastrous couple of years at dating, someone who I really think I could like.

Well what's the point in me stewing over him like this, I thought getting angry at myself, when he's got JANEY now, and what a b***h she looked, a little princess with her all over fake tan and sticky out b***s, good luck to him. I decided right there and then that I would put him out of my head, B*****D! 'Just a f*****g old friend',  how could he say that, was that all we were, all we ever were 'just good friends'? 

 

I looked out of the train window and signed for once pleased to be getting back to my new life in Oxford.

-------------

Sam

It's driving me crazy, I know I have to see her again, I feel a longing for her like someone has taken football away from me. I decide to just go, I find myself driving in my new Astra, I phone in sick for practice, I say I have a family emergency and won't be in. I am nervous driving there in my car, my hand is tapping and I have the music blaring so that the thoughts I have don't make me turn back. 

It takes almost three hours to get to Oxford, I have set my sat nav to the postcode her mam, has given me, I said I had some old photos I wanted to send, I mentioned to her that I bumped into to you in town. Her mam seemed pleased to hear from me, she asked me how I was doing and seemed genuinely pleased, she gave me the address no problem.

I drive to what seems like a block of flats it has Waxly Place Student Halls written on the door, they look pretty dismal but relatively clean, I notice that the door is locked with a key pad, and then the thought hits me, what if she is not in, what if she is out somewhere, I check my watch, it's nine thirty. Surly the library closes by now, then an even darker thought comes into my head what if she is out with someone, another man, I try not to let the thought linger. I mill around for a bit wondering what to do and then this bloke come past and opens the door and the door is just closing so slowly and I can slip in.  I wander to the stairs, flat 2b her mam told me, I follow the signs and there I am outside her door, and I lift my hand to knock and then I stop, I'm afraid, what if this is all just me, and she really doesn't feel anything anymore. But isn't this what it this is all about, I tell myself, finding out once and for all. I knock, it's a timid knock but loud enough to be heard I'm sure. There is no reply, I knock again. Oh s**t, I think 'she is out'.

I didn't have a plan b. I slip to the floor next to your door, worrying and thinking 'what the hell I am doing here', and then I hear laughter and she turns the corner, only she is not alone their is some skinny bloke with her, he has his arm around her and she is giggling at him, and then she sees me. 

Her face changes to shock and then concern, she says my name and ask me if everything is alright. I realise what an idiot I have been and tell her that I am fine, I was just in the area and I thought I'd knock, and that I could see she was busy so maybe I'd come back later. She nods, and I walk away, he stares at me quizzically. Then she calls after me, and comes running down the corridor leaving him at your door, you lean up to me and whisper that I should give you five minutes and then you would come down to the car and see me, my heart really actually lights up inside.

I go back to my car it faces the entrance to the flats, I wait for what seems like an eternity, and I see him leave, he looks annoyed about it, I don't like the look of him. She comes down shortly after he has gone, her eyes search in the dark for me, I step out of the car, she walks towards me. She beckons me out of the car, I follow after her in silence, she opens the door to her room, I go in, it feels familiar even though I have never been here before. I sit at a seat next to her desk, there are books and a pad of writing I trace my fingers over her work. She watches me.

Steph

-----------

He is here sitting at my desk, he looking at my work, why is here, my heart is racing, his brown hair is flopping over his eyes, I want to move it. It is the longest time before he says anything, I refuse to ask.

He tells me that he is sorry for what happened at the night club, I reply too sharply, "just an old friend from school", he looks down and runs his hands through his hair, then when he looks up he has tears in his eyes, real tears, and I start to melt. He tells me he thinks about us all the time not a day has gone by in three years where he hasn't regretted loosing me, but he had long since given up on ever getting me back. Then he tells me when he saw me at the club, he expected me to ignore him or not want anything to do with him, but I didn't. He said when I hugged him it was like a thousand electricity bolts through his body.

Then he stops, he gets up and starts, to go, I still haven't said anything, he mutters he is sorry he shouldn't have come, and makes to leave, I gently reach out and hold his arm, he turns to look at me full in the face, his beautiful green eyes searching mine, my hand is still on his arm I pull him closer, "hold me" I whisper.

He wraps his arms around me drawing my head to his chest, I can feel his heart pounding through his shirt. He is smelling my hair just the way he used to, I can't help it my face turns up, our lips are inches apart, we both lean in together, and there it is, that kiss, it's been so long, but yet I haven't forgotten, we know each other so well he trails his fingers gently under my t-shirt and up my spine, he knows what that does to me, he slides his hand around to cup my breast, he plays with my n****e underneath the material. I gasp my mouth still firmly on his. I pull back, "I have something to tell you" I say, and he looks down concern filling his eyes like a flood. I smile shyly at him, embarrassed, how do I tell him this? 

"What, you can tell me anything you know that?" he whispers out of breath from our kissing. 

"I am well, I am still a" I look down to the top of my jeans, I can't bring myself to say the word. 

He pulls back for a moment his hand holding me at the waist, he looks amused as he takes in this new information, and then he smiles the sweetest most stunning smile. He leans forward and whispers in my ear, "Are you ready now?"

"yes" I breath back at him shyly looking up and wincing at the main light in my eyes, he goes over and switches the small light on my desk on, then turns the big light off, "better" he says taking his jacket off. He looks at me now with carnal intent I know what he wants and I have waited 21 years for this. He stops next to me, " take your top off" he says, I reach hurriedly for the buttons, " slowly" he whispers,  I want to enjoy this, I have waited so long." he says watching me, I like him like this wanting me, I feel powerful.

"God, your so beautiful", he says moving a stray lock of hair behind my ear, "he takes my hand and twirls me round his mouth is at the bottom of my back, his tongue and lip gently running up my spine as his hands reach up and un-hook my bra, which he tugs forwards letting it fall to the floor, he cups my breasts full in his hands gently massaging them as his mouth suckles at my neck, oh the intensity is just too much, I turn feeling the desire over come me I reach down feeling the hairs at the top of his jeans with the back of my hand. He gasps, as I unbuckle his belt and buttons reaching down, he pulls his top off. Hmm, he looks good, he is more defined muscular than I remember. Our lips meet again as I gently feel his erection hard and powerful wanting to escape, I let go, and take his hand pulling him towards the bed, he pulls back just before he gets there, "I want to see you naked first" he says looking at me with a darkness I am new to. It had been like this before, but there had always been something in me that had been afraid and held back, I hadn't been ready, and had stopped things before they had got this far. 

He was at my the top of my jeans pulling them down my legs, kneeling down and lifting my foot up gently as he tugged the legs off my jeans off. Then his eyes full of desire slowly looking up my body as if drinking me up he reaches up and tugs my panties down my legs, I feel shy, old impulses tell me to grasp them, to say stop, but something in his eyes tell me that I should hush up. He stands up and then stands back, "hmm" he says dreamily his eyes all over me, he reaches out to touch me as if I am made of smoke. My shyness disappears, I feel strangely confident, I step forward, "your turn" I say, my voice sounding raspy as I reach for him. 

------------

Sam

I can't believe it, she wants me, I am still realling about the fact that she is still a virgin, god this feels amazing the connection between us is so strong. It has never felt this full on with anyone. I run my mouth up her back, I remember she likes this and smile, I am right, she turns me round and pulls me toward the bed, I like this new found confidence she has, it's like she has transformed from a girl into a woman. I know I shouldn't think it but I am wondering how much more I appreciate her now like this than I did before. I want her naked, I want to see all of her before I take her as mine, god I want to do things to her, I have learnt to control myself, a good second lover taught me well. I take her jeans off teasing her, it's working, she is naked now, oh my control is beginning to go it is taking so much effort, but I know if this is her first time, I need to take it slow. 

I begin to imagine what she will feel like, she says something but I can't hear any more I am lost, she is taking the last of my cloths off and we are both naked standing in front of each other, my erection standing between us, not for much longer I think. Her hairs is over her breasts, they are small and plump, my hand reaches for her face, my fingers trace over her lips, and she licks one of them, oh where did that come from, she wants this bad. I lie her down on the bed and slip in beside her, my fingers reach down, finally feeling between her legs, she is so wet, I massage her cliterous, I hear her moan. 

I lean over her, our eyes meet, I see pure desire in them, I push my erection inside of her, I can tell it hurts her a little because she is scwirmng, I say "relax baby", and I feel her try, and I'm in, I want to f**k her hard now I want to claim her, I am so aroused, but I have learnt control, and I love her so much that I also don't want to hurt her. I gently push and her head pushes back into the pillow as her back arches pushing her breasts towards me, I lean down and run my tongue over her n****e and then suck, it is all I can do now not to end this, she starts to move underneath me and thats it  I am pushing in and faster and harder and she has her face screwed up like she's going to burst, "you ok" I whisper leaning into her ear. 

"Yes" she breaths, "yes yes I am really OK" she fils me with new confidence, I bring my fingers down to her c**t again and as I gently skim the over her g spot, I feel her explode beneath me, my turn I push into her a couple more times and that is it my body gives up and releases inside her. I wait slavering myself inside her before I withdraw.

I usually want to get up at this point, but I don't, I hold her against me as she slowly recovers, I love the feel of her velvety skin so smooth and soft, her hair is next to my face and I can't help breathing in her fragrance, "I love you" I whisper, waiting hoping. 

"I love you too" I hear and there are tears, I lift her face towards mine, and I know how she feels, because I feel it too and our mouths and tongues begin to explore each other through her gentle sobs and tears and I know that this is so real, this is the most love I have ever felt for anyone in my entire life. I fall asleep wrapped around her in heaven.  

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Steph

It's the morning after and it takes me a second to realise he is here wrapped around me, MY SAM, I need a wee, I slip away from him un-noticed and grabbing a towel I head for the toilet and shower, it's a communal one across the hall from me. When I pee it stings, I grin to myself, a warm feeling flows inside as I jump in the shower, feeling its lush hot water rush over me, I run soap myself over with soap and lather at all the right spots shaving anything that needs it, hoping he hasn't noticed any of the neglected spots. As I walk back into my room I expect him to be in the bed, but he is not he is getting dressed I look at him smiling and he smiles back and strides over to me, kissing hard on my lips pulling my towel away from me and I giggle at his enthusiasm. "have you not had enough of me yet"

"Never!" he declares lifting me up and onto the bed, I forget how strong he is now, and he is all over me touching and licking and the way he is at my breasts it's like they have a hotline to my groin, I can't help wrapping my legs around him. He still has on his trousers that he had started getting ready with, I can feel him growing against me, I pull at the trousers, and he wriggles them off letting them slide of the bed. 

"I'm a little sore" I whisper wanting him to take it easy with me. 

He looks me right in the eye with that dark look he had last night, god he's so hot, and he says like an innocent school boy, "then we will have to get you nice and wet" and before I can think what he means he is heading south. I am not sure about this, I feel panicky, its just so, intimate, and I pull at him to come back up, and oh the way he looks up at me, "your going to enjoy this Stephanie, relax" and I think my hearts pounding so much it will leap out of my chest. Then his tongue is on me and he licking and nibbling and he seems to know just what to do, as he gently slips his finger inside me as he does it, and I want to scream out to the world and I know I am lost, I am his. 

He slowly emerges like the cat that has got the cream, he comes straight up kissing me on the lips and I taste myself on his lips, and he is inside me again and without him even moving I feel myself coming and the feeling is so intense, for a split second the world disappears. When it comes into focus again, I see him letting go inside me, his face all horney as hell, as he flops down on top of me, I go to touch him, and notice my fingers are all pins and needles.  

He surprises me by sitting up, he smiles down at me, and I feel so happy. He asks me if he can have a shower and then he tells me to get ready, he wants a tour of Oxford and some breakfast. I tell him I know just the place and show him where the shower is, when he returns I am dressed, and I have folded his cloths neatly on the bed. He smiles, a shy smile at me, I turn away busying myself with my bag, I hear him getting ready and then he's beside me kissing my neck, and then my mouth, and I pull away feeling like I want him all over again, "I thought you wanted breakfast" I mutter flushed.

"I do." He says kissing me again and pulling my body against his, then he leans his head back sweeping my hair out of my eyes with his hand softly. I look at him and I smile and he smiles and we know that it is the happiness we feel inside brimming over the top, "come on" he says grabbing my hand, "I want spend the day with you". The day, I want to spend he rest of my life with him. I keep, that thought inside maybe it would scare him off. 

----Sam

I feel so happy I could score a hat trick, I haven't felt this alive in ages. We walk into Oxford hand in hand the centre is only a few streets from the student flats, she says she is taking me the scenic route, but it's not how I imagined, she tells me we are in the newer part of the city. We scoot down an alley and a long a narrow path and we are at the banks of the river, it's just gone Eleven, I hear a bell chiming in the distance, the streets are starting to get busy. She stops outside a small cafe, its green with a homemade feel about it, we step inside and a woman behind the counter smiles at us.

"Hey Steph, I didn't think you worked today" she says to Steph still smiling.

"I'm not Karen, I am treating my boyfriend to the best breakfast in Oxford" she says smiling a coy smile back at the lady. 

the lady looks pleased by her praise, and seats us at the window after saying hello to Me. She looks a tad strangely as if she can't make her mind up about something. 

I look up at Steph she is glowing, "come here often?" I offer half humorously, half question.

"I work at the wine shop on the corner" she says, "it helps pay the bills she adds" there is so much I don't know about her life now, the thought saddens me. She must see it in my eyes, and I see worry reflected back in hers as she asks me what's up. 

I wonder if should tell her that I feel so sad about letting her go, wasting this time, not fighting for her more when we first broke up. I decide not to spoil the mood, she hasn't mentioned it why should I. I tuck into breakfast like I haven't eaten for day demolishing my sausage and egg sandwich and wishing she had ordered two it was delicious, just the right amount of butter and sauce. 

We have the perfect day, her being my tour guide relishing showing me all the sights and I listen interested as she tells me all she knows about the buildings we visit and the things we see. For lunch we get a pizza half pepperoni for me and half margarita for her, we smile at each other as we order, a little bit of our past making its way into our present. We sit on a bench in a park overlooking the river and  I eat most of it then I push the box into the bin, then she snuggles up to me putting her legs over mine, and resting her head on my chest, everything feels so natural like, we haven't been apart for the last three years, we just slip into what we where. We walk arm in arm along the river talking, she tells me shes moving to London next year, that she has some big interview on Friday with a hospital, she really wants it, she wants to specialise in Oncology, she has done ever since she lost her dad to, cancer. I find it amazing after all these years that she is still pursuing the same goal she has had since she was five, but I suppose I am the same with my football. I listen spell bound to her voice. Then all of a sudden she stops talking and looks at me, here we are underneath an old oak tree that is stooping down as if it's branches want to touch the river below, it is a beautiful spot. 

"We are here" she says. I look at her quizzically. "don't you feel it" she paused shrugging her shoulders, "calmness, peace, I feel like nothing can touch me underneath the branches of this tree, I came here a lot in my first year, I was lonley then..." she confesses. I think that I wished I could have been here for her.

She goes on..."I used to think about us a lot then, about what went wrong" she looks at me and I realise she wants answers, I knew it would catch up with us sooner or later. 

"I went wrong" I look at her begging her to believe me, I remember her words when I left, 

'how can I ever trust you again, you've ruined everything.' 

I try to explain how for a time I thought she was right, that what we had was ruined that it couldn't be mended. But time did mend things for us, time gave us the space to grow up, to understand our true feelings for each other. I told her I meant what I said last night, she tipped her head to onside with a small smile, "what did you say?" she teased.

"I said I loved you Steph, I have always loved you, you are the only one for me, I want to spend forever with you" I choked back my tears as I let it pour out of me, all I had choked up inside of me for three years and seven months, I had been counting.

She reached up and held me, she said she felt the same, and that she loved me too. We walked back to her flat in silence just enjoying being with each other. When we got back I very slowly and carefully made love to her and I felt like I had finally come home.

Steph

We sleep in each others arms after making love it felt so right, so good after our perfect day together, when I awoke he was watching me. We lay staring at each other for the longest time, I guess we both couldn't believe we were finally here. I asked him if he wanted to go into town for something to eat, then he tells me he has to go back, his work were badgering him, and he would get into trouble if he didn't turn up for practice tomorrow. 

I told him I didn't want him to go, but I knew that his job was important to him, and I couldn't bear it if his career got into trouble because of me. We kissed goodbye at the entrance to my flats, we kissed for at least ten minutes, he started to walk away twice and came back, we both had tears in our eyes before he left. I told him I would be up on Saturday to visit my mam after my interview, and I would see him then, but he had to phone and text every day. I waved goodbye to him and I could feel the pull as he drove away.

By the time I got up to my flat there was already a message on my phone, 'you can't hurry love, but it was definitely worth waiting for x x x'. 

Our song I used to sing it to him when I was younger, I can't believe he remembered, I sink into my bed hugging myself and smiling running over in my mind the events of the last night and day.

-------

Sam

I have been AWOL for only twenty four hours now and you would think I had robbed a bank, my coach texting me crap, even my mother wanting to know where I was and she had given up years ago. I knew who was behind it 'Janey' I had been cool with her all week, since seeing Steph at the night club, I should have really told her by now. I didn't want to burst the bubble I was in, and I didn't get back until after 10, I texted Steph then headed for the shower and then bed, I knew the coach would take it out on me tomorrow some needed some sleep, but it was worth it, I had my Steph back again.

When I got out of the shower I heard my phone beep, there's we're two messages one from JANEY and one from Steph. I opened Janey's first to get it over and done with.

'we need to talk, phone me pls, I am now in Ireland on a photo shoot till Sunday, let me know you r ok?'

I felt a pang of guilt, I didn't mean to mess her around like this she had been good to me, even though I had always known she wasn't really the right one for me, our relationship seemed to suit her as well as me. I texted her back and told her I would pick her up after work on Sunday, and that I was fine, just tired and off to bed, hoping she would get the hint and not try to ring me. 

then I looked at Stephs, 

'finally I am getting a chance to rest, all this s.. has taken its toll, but I am glad I saved my self for you xx your Steph'

I sigh remembering the last day, god it was so good, and she saved herself for me, I believed her too, it was the way she was she only ever wanted what she wanted and nothing else would do she was always determined. I thought of what else I would like to do to her, I smiled as I thought of how I would explore her new world with her, guiding her, teaching her, like I myself had been taught. 

'you get some sleep, and stop making me think about you like that when your not here, I will phone you after work tomorrow, night my Steph xx'

My Steph, I thought as I drifted off to sleep, I was glad I left her text till last.

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Steph