Finally free

Not-so-dear former friend,

I have wandered alone for months. What I thought to be the sun finally shining bright again was yet another lie. I thought I would be free and my back relieved of the hellish mountain crushing it. Lies come to haunt my already darkened sky and the sleeping tempest has awakened at the whiff of my restlessness.

I have knowingly broken my vow. I looked back to nurse the corpse of what used to be our connection. We were far away, yet our hearts embraced each other as the world was thrown into chaos. There was uncertainty, so I kept my guard, out of fear of letting my soul be poisoned with new pain. How drunk and foolish it had been... 

You taught me how to be human once more. You helped a lifeless doll breathe vitality. You made me believe in your pure intentions of climbing the thorn walls I had built. Promise after promise, smiles, tears and yearning... our walls came crashing down. I knew how sacred it was, to step into someone else's glass castle. I roamed your heart like Sleeping Beauty, not knowing what tragedy awaited me. you were hiding in the tower, diligently spinning yarns of tall tales while wearing a smile. That gentle smile which could warm my tired heart.

You took my hand and pricked my finger on the spindle. It wasn't sudden. You gave me time to process what was going on. I was enraged and called you out. Silly me, I stayed to listen to you boasting about your 'accomplishment'. I trusted you with all my heart... so I couldn't stop the ache from burning me. You kept apologising and asked me to still maintain our connection. You were my best friend, my comrade, my confidant, my reassurance, the heaven of my bleeding self.

For the sake of all the good you've done to me, I gulped and continued to stay in touch. I gave you freedom, I tended to your battered heart, I did everything in my power so you would be well. My finger was still bleeding, but I kept holding your mind's hand from miles away. You said that you dreamt of me at times and how beautiful those dreams were. As much as you would've wanted... I couldn't love you like you yearned to. In fact, it was impossible. You knew that and told me it's alright, while secretly despising my choice. Subtly, you locked me in your tower, repeating the vicious cycle: yarning lies, pricking my finger and apologise through tears. I knew it was a trap. However, I endured everything, bearing he memories of our once joyful and peaceful times. You've trampled my wishes, stolen my safety, made me doubt my own thoughts... all while smiling. How stone-cold my heart had turned over time...

I was fed up by your games and one day, I told you everything I had bottled up. I did it with patience, with calm, yet you cried and pretended to listen. You forced me to listen to your lies again. I just wanted you to hear my plea to stop. You destroyed all we have worked so hard on and it broke me. I bid you farewell, not before you 'reassured' me you still deeply cared for me. Your words were the beginning of my new torture.

You were so deft. You made me question my sanity, my decision to leave the friendship. The beautiful memories we have shared turned into my worst nightmares where I was the monster. I have struggled alone for months on end, until one fateful spring day when I have knowingly broken my vow. I looked back to nurse the corpse of what used to be our connection. I reached out to you and asked for forgiveness, even though you were the one who hurt me. You were elated to have me back. For the first time, I gave someone a second chance.

You took advantage of it and imprisoned me in your tower. You returned to that fiendish cycle. This time, I had experience. When you told me I was an abuser in your eyes for simply calling out your toxicity and asking for respect, I knew what I had to do. I had to leave you for good. I did just that. No warning, no prior notice... I was desperate to save myself. I couldn't go back to months of inner torment, only to be met with gaslighting in case I returned to you. I made a new vow when I stopped contacting you. I will never go back on my promise to stay away, even if my memories keep racking my entire being. 

I have only one person to ask for forgiveness: myself. For forcing myself to stay when I knew it was dangerous for my mental health. For doubting my gut instinct. For ignoring my heart's desperate cry for help and looking for healing at the one who damaged me the most. For expecting an honest apology and seldom checking to see if you still write to me. Now that I don't see you or hear your voice, I'm at peace. You can't lie or make me feel like a villain when I'm the victim of your games.

I let you go, my not-so-dear former friend. I won't guarantee I'll forget you, for I'll forever carry the scars you've so graciously given me. I'll guarantee that I'll never allow anyone to treat me poorly ever again. I'd rather enjoy solitude than be with someone toxic. I'll treasure those who truly care and support me. Those who bandaged my mutilated finger. I'll embrace the past me, the girl who seeked friendship and was viciously mislead and mentally held a prisoner. I'll remind her how proud I am of her for having the courage to leave and seek help. It was hard, but she found a safe place. I'm still battling intrusive thoughts of confusion, but I can't search for safety where I've been neglected.

I'll work hard to have a beautiful life and look for the right people. I'll continue to protect myself, heal, cherish my dear ones, to chase my dreams... It's going to be a long journey and I can't wait to take it one step at a time. I already took the first one and I'll treasure this achievement. 

Sincerely,

Someone who is finally free

Author's Note

Hello everyone! I've been absent for a very long time due to how hectic everything has been over the past years.
We've had time to reflect on ourselves, to reconsider what's important in life. In my case, I realised how much I've been putting myself on the second place to please other people. Doing things for the sake of keeping connections or peace. I like to be there for other people and do what I can to help, but I had a sad revelation: I wasn't showing the same dedication to myself. It came to a point where I was severely burnt out physically, emotionally and psychologically. I'm still recovering from that. This journey of self-awareness began when I started to analyse what is going on in my life and priorities. One of the first things I've done was to cut ties with someone I thought was going to be by my side for a long time. I thought to myself that I deserve to be treated with the same respect I offer. I decided I'll never stay in relationships of any nature if I have to beg for the bare minimum or constantly fight with mixed signals.
Your health and peace are essential. Once you lose them, it's incredibly difficult to get them back. It's not worth to waste your time with people who manipulate you and drain your energy. Leaving is hard, but your safety is important on all plans. If you're stuck in a similar predicament, please try to reach out. I know it can be complicated, but a solid support system is a crucial element. There are good people out there who want the best for you and are ready to help you.
You only have one life. You're too precious to let your light dim. New beginnings are complicated, but the journey is worth-while. My good wishes go to all of you, strong and beautiful people. Find the courage to finally free yourselves.
I love you all!