The Night They Came

As you near the closed door, the sound of water becomes increasingly loud. Inside stands a girl. She runs her hands through her hair as the water from the shower cascades onto her worn body. She turns off the water, steps out and glances at the broken mirror. She no longer recognizes the person staring back at her. Her once long beautiful hair now short, shaggy with mud encrusted so deeply it looks to be a part of her. Her once soft, delicate face, covered in scars and bruises.  A single tear slides down her cheek and lands on a necklace. Her only possession. Her only reminder of who she was. Who she was before the night she saw her parents murdered. The night before they came.

Author's Note

I know it's not that good especially since it's my first draft and I haven't finished the rest of the story but what do you guys think so far? Any tips?

Reviews

[Runner-up for Sarcastic..]

I like how it starts out in second person. Go back to that at the end. I don't know where you want to go with this, but I would just add this sentence at the end: "And now you have come to finish the job."
Maybe rephrase the way you say "she saw her parents murdered." You want to make it clear what happened, but the bluntness of this sentence contrasts with the rest of the language you use.
Also, make it longer. It doesn't need to be much longer. I've always liked very short stories, but it still needs some more substance. Good start, though.

[W. R. Croatt]

Hey! I'm pretty young, but I've been writing novels since the third grade, so I may be able to give some good advice. And I agree with the above comment: starting in second person creates a very good effect. Make it personal. The murder of a person's parents, especially when you're so young is extremely traumatic. And, though I as the reader does not know what else happened, to her, there are clearly other things to make her trauma worse. Don't stop making it personal, and switching to second person is a great way to do that and will have a great effect, so don't be afraid to do it again, even unexpectedly.

I also have to compliment the minimalistic style you have. When writing about something like this, keeping the style minimal adds a great effect to the tone of the text. Elie Wiesel was a master at this. What I do, especially when wanting to do this, is begin with the exact opposite: write down everything that you can possibly think of to write down. Then, in the next few drafts, go through it and cut down either, if you aren't needing/wanting to be minimalistic, what isn't necessary, or, if wanting to be minimalistic, everything possible without hindering the telling of the story. Wiesel did this to a point where it was almost as if the lack of detail was what sent chills down your spine.

[Lydia J]

Wow. That was extremely helpful. Thank you. I'll definitely use your tips in the future.

[W. R. Croatt]

Cool. Glad I could help!

[W. R. Croatt]

Oh, and I might change the title. If it's a little bit more indirect, more describing the psychological or emotional things that are happening in the story, rather than the physical events, I think it would capture the essence of the story a bit better. :)

[Lydia J]

Do you have any ideas for that??

[W. R. Croatt]

Why don't you give me a quick overview of what the story is going to look like (as far as you know right now). I would be able to give some more valid suggestions if I actually know what's happening beyond the exposition.

[W. R. Croatt]

Hey! I was thinking about this novel last night when I came up with another idea. You've already established third person narrative and second person narrative (credit to comment below). But I have an idea that uses first person. Based solely on this excerpt, it is unclear whether or not the main character has escaped her trauma and is now reliving it or if she is still in the situation that is traumatizing her (also sounds like an abduction, but I may be wrong). It sounds to me like the latter. But in either case, I think adding flashbacks in first person from the main character's perspective would be really powerful.

Now, if you decide you want to do this, be sure to only ever give tiny bits of information. make sure the reader does not learn everything about what is happening right away. The shorter flashbacks should consist of "glimpses" of what happened to the main character. Then, you might add a more significant flashback after you let the reader relish in not knowing what happened so that you can give only a few pieces of the puzzle some more clarity.

The reason I'm suggesting this is because, if you can get an emotional connection between the reader and the main character, not knowing what happened to her won't be suspenseful. It will be gut-wrenching. If you've ever had a friend and you know that something is going on, but you only have little snippets of what is wrong, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Here's an example of what I mean based on the excerpt you gave, though it might not align with your actual book because I don't know everything about it:

"As you near the closed door, the sound of water becomes increasingly loud. Inside stands a girl. She runs her hands through her hair as the water from the shower cascades onto her worn body. She turns off the water, steps out and glances at the broken mirror. She no longer recognizes the person staring back at her. Her once long beautiful hair now short, shaggy with mud encrusted so deeply it looks to be a part of her. Her once soft, delicate face, covered in scars and bruises. A single tear slides down her cheek and lands on a necklace. Her only possession. Her only reminder of who she was. Who she was before the night she saw her parents murdered. The night before they came.

(Italics)
I can't see a thing. Can't see a thing. Can't see. What are those noises? Wait--

(No Italics)
Don't think about that. (Continue story in third person)"

Now I realize that this may or may not work in your story, but I thought I would suggest it just in case you think it would work.