Three Princesses Together or Alone

A modern-esque fairy tale told in stage play format that puts a twist to several classics, most heavily with influences from The Three Little Pigs. Not what you'd likely expect. Satirically tinged.

Three Princesses Together or Alone

Cast:

Rocky the Goblin/Narrator

Princess Elizabeth

Princess Ariana

Princess Rose

Prince Saul

 

ACT I, Scene I

(Scene: A dark stage. Single spotlight slowly up on ROCKY center. He is in hiding in a dark cave, facing a camcorder as he prepares to divulge his story.)

ROCKY: (clears throat several times- is clearly sick, then quick pause before…)We all have our stori…Nah, that’s lame. Oh hell. Whatever. I’ll just do it then. It figures that would be the only way to start this story doesn’t it? But if I’mma confess I’mma do it right, even if I am in my grave. (laughs a little delightedly at this) At least I’ve got one thing over stupid Saul now- he’d never be able to do this. Okay-

(clears throat again) Once upon a time. Sounds dumb, but there it is. And then the story goes on right? Uch, hold on… (pulls a paper from a pocket and unwrinkles it, bringing it close to his face) Okay, so, Once Upon a Time, vague allusion to motive…Oh! I have the rest of the exposition next. Right. So, there’s these three princesses, a prince, and me: the goblin. A’ight? And, uh, two castles. Yeah, two castles. And the first was huge, okay? And you could tell the people there were those stuck-up, annoying types. No fun, all manners and listening and “obey me” and whatever. But the second…even if it was a castle- it was a modest one, and it was always changing in some way. The girls lived there, and- (coughs twice, hard, before recovering to cont. Speech is slightly slurred)

Anyway, what was I sayin? Oh man, right, the castles… I’ll just skip ahead. Look, the point is that there were two castles, one, the one the prince lived in, really boring and old. Then, the other with the princesses that wasn’t. And they weren’t so bad, but.

But one day it seemed like everybody realized at once that Saul was growing up, and getting to that age- you know, the marrying one. (scoffs angrily)And of course they were so excited. But Saul knew that I… He knew that the Princesses would be his best bet, because he could get away with more around them. Innocent orphans, newer to the neighborhood, not half as wealthy as us- him- , blah blah blah. So, the plan was just to marry one and be done with it, you know? But no. Saul’s boring, but he’s dramatic, and he wanted more. And he got what he wanted, like he always does, and the ladies were all told the prince wanted them, and that they’d each get a date with him on which they could “prove themselves worthy”. And I heard he warned them about me, too. Seriously. How stupid is that? Like I’m some kind of criminal.(a beat) Of course, I am one, and I was sorta planning some stuff when I heard the news. But, look, point is:  the prince sucks, alright? He deserved what he got. Still does.

(coughs again, hard, as the light dissolves and we are taken to scene two- Interior of the princesses castle, a bedroom. All three girls are grouped on one bed, talking. It is late morning- all but the eldest are still in their pajamas)

Act I, Scene II

ELIZABETH: I don’t really want to be split up from you guys, yet, anyway. I don’t think we’re ready. 

ROSE: But he’s a prince, Beth! He’s rich, and handsome, and he could take care of me! And all our babies would be so rich and beautiful and they’d never have to worry. And I’m totally ready. I mean, look at me.

ARIANA: He might not pick you, Rose. You don’t know.

ROSE: Don’t say that! Beth! Can you hit her please?

ELIZABETH: (unimpressed) Oh, I was so wrong. Clearly you’re ready to be on your own.

(ARIANA pinches ROSE as Elizabeth is speaking, and ROSE squeaks loudly, then slaps her on the arm. ELIZABETH sighs.)

ELIZABETH: (cont’d) Okay, Rose, Ariana’s right. You don’t know that you’ll be chosen.

ARIANA: Hmph. See.

ROSE: I do too! I’ve been doing research! (She gasps and covers her mouth, but too late. Her sisters look intrigued and amused)

ARIANA: Oh really? What kind of research would that be?

ROSE: …no kind at all really.

ARIANA: (with a wicked grin) Did you google the prince, Rosie? It’s okay, we’ve all done it. Well, at least, Beth has.

ELIZABETH: Ariana!

ARIANA: Hey, I didn’t promise or pinky swear that I wouldn’t tell anyone about that, did I?

ELIZABETH: You swore on Hector the toad!

ARIANA: Who died last week, so I think I’m good. Which reminds me- I was thinking my next pet could be a snake. Or maybe a mouse. Oh! Ant farm!

ELIZABETH: Not happening. And Rose, just googling Prince Saul to see what he’s up to when you can’t remember if he’s in Africa or China isn’t that big of a deal. But googling him to find out things to use on your date is a little…

ARIANA: Stalkerish?

ELIZABETH: I was gonna say over the top…but yeah.

ROSE: I didn’t even google him.

ELIZABETH: Then what did you mean by research?

ROSE: (mumbles something)

ARIANA: What was that?

ROSE: I started reading…

ELIZABETH: The Enquirer?

ROSE: Cosmo.

ARIANA: Oh my gosh. That’s almost as bad as reading Royal Digest or Castle Crush.

ROSE: Well, I read those too…

ELIZABETH: Oh, Rose, tell me you didn’t. You do know all those magazines are a bunch of bull right?

ROSE: But their sources are real guys, guys! Or they’re women of… you know… experience.

ARIANA: Oh my God. This is priceless. How much did you spend?

ROSE: (through gritted teeth) That’s not important.

ELIZABETH: Rose!

ROSE: Hey! But it’s fine, because the Prince will pick me and then I can pay you both back!

ARIANA: You used our money?

ROSE: Duh! I’m sixteen. Where else would I get it? But it’s fine, because you guys love me, right? (smiles smarmily) And soon enough the prince will too…

ARIANA: (stage whisper to ELIZABETH) She’s delusional. Did you paint any of the rooms in the house recently, then lock her in it or something? This amount of brain damage cannot be normal.

ELIZABETH: Both of you are being more ridiculous than usual today. Is this whole thing with the prince even that important in the first place? I mean, we live right across from the guy.

ROSE: He’s a river away! And he’s so handsome! And he’s rich!

ELIZABETH: I don’t know. He’s never been that good of a neighbor to us or anything. I’ll still go on the date of course, that’s just good manners. But I don’t really want to separate. If we do though, I just want you guys happy, alright?

ROSE: Yes mom. But don’t worry. He’ll love me. Our wedding should be in Jamaica. That would be so cool…

ARIANA: I know it didn’t work last time, but maybe we should give putting duct-tape over her mouth another try?

ROSE: You’ll see. My date with the Prince is scheduled first, in one week, and I’m going to do everything the magazines say, and he’ll choose me, and you two will just have to watch from across the river while I’m getting all my dreams to come true.

ELIZABETH: Rose, we just don’t want to see you hurt. Well, at least I don’t.

ROSE: Oh relax, Beth. He’ll love it. I’ll be the perfect girl for him, and someday I’ll be his Queen. Queen Rose. It sounds so good!

ARIANA: Oh, this is going to be hilarious. I can just feel it.

(lights dim, up on ROSE and SAUL in a garden, caught in an awkward silence. SAUL wears a simple, more casual suit, while ROSE is decked out in all manner of white eyelet lace and ribbons. She looks extremely uncomfortable)

Act I, Scene III

ROSE: So, uh… Oh! So, Saul, it’s so funny how we’re here isn’t it?

SAUL: Funny? Well, I don’t know about that, Rose. It is my garden. Am I missing something here?

ROSE: (giggling) No, it’s just. Oh, Saul. You and me. We’re neighbors. And now we might get married. It’s all so… Well, you know.

SAUL: Funny?

ROSE: (giggling even harder) Yes! Yes exactly! Funny! …Now…Would you say I’ve broken the ice now? And we’re both much more comfortable because of it?

SAUL: How old are you again?

ROSE: You know, it’s funny you say that.

SAUL: Well, clearly I’m a very funny guy.

ROSE: You are! But that’s not what I meant! See… (lowers her voice to a stage whisper) I’m sixteen now. And that’s widely considered to be the beginning of the best years of…you know…fertility.

SAUL: (amused) Are you trying to seduce me, Princess?

ROSE: Well… That depends, Prince… (turns quickly to the side and pulls up her sleeve, exposing a pen “cheat-sheet” on her arm. Scans it fast, then jerks sleeve down and spins back to face SAUL) So, okay, which type of man are you?

SAUL: The rich, loyal kind that get thousands of offers a year and is very weirded out right now.

ROSE: No, see, are you more interested in a girl-next-door type or an empowered vixen? Adorable kitty-cat playing with yarn or  the assertive sex-kitten playing with-

SAUL: Princess! Stop! Do you reaBethe how many girls would kill for my hand? And several men, too. I have so many prospects, it’s ridiculous. I don’t need to hear anymore to know that you’re still just a child, unfit to be my wife, mother of my children, or fellow ruler of this country. And those sorts of inappropriate comments would never be okay when in the castle, unless I say they are. Besides, are you even in this for me, or do you just care about my money? Princess, I don’t know where you got your information or what you’re trying to pull, but it’s not working. I’ve had a better time than I’m having now with actual common-folk. And a far better time with… mere servants.

ROSE:  But…I don’t understand! I did everything the magazines and the helper-hotline told me to…

SAUL: Helper hotline?

ROSE: Well, yes! See, this man called me and said his name was Jeremy and asked a bunch of questions, and said reading these and following through would make you marry me. You’re not gonna marry me?

SAUL: That was probably Rocky, the goblin I told you and your sisters to watch out for. And you heeded none of what I said, did you Princess Rose? So you’ll be getting none of this (grandly gestures about himself). Or this (gestures to self) However, as I know your family is losing money and since you just seemed so eager about having children and marrying off, I can always put you through with some illegal immigrants that will pay you to be their wife so that they can gain legal citizenship. Although I may have to then arrest you… I’ll have to ask my father about that one.

ROSE: You’re meaner on this side of the river.

SAUL: Rose, if you can’t handle this, I assure you you could not handle the pressure of a kingdom. Not to mention, I’d like my future wife to be a bit more mature. As in, not-giggling-about-the-word-sex mature.  

(ROSE leaves in a huff, stomping her feet as she goes. A beat, then-)

SAUL: Clearly, Rocky found out about my endeavor and has already begun his sabotage. Well, that’s fine then. He should know better than to cross me, after I called him to the stand of the witch who made him a goblin in the first place. We’ll see who wins this one. Now, to prepare for my date with Cherie… and see if I can call on Albert. If Rocky is out of hiding and out to mess with us again, we’ll just have to catch him and take care of it at last.

(curtains down, up on the girls’ together in the youngest two’s bedroom once more)

Act I, Scene IV

ROSE: I just don’t understand it. It makes no sense! I was perfect! I’m pretty and hot and I looked amazing and I was flirty and I made sure I touched his shoulder and his knee! And I mentioned my plans for our marriage, so I took charge! He should have been all over me. Are we sure he’s not gay?

ARIANA: It would be so amazing if he was! He’d be so much cooler.

ELIZABETH: Ariana… We’re trying to be comforting right now. Look, Rose, you should have just been your amazing self in there.

ARIANA: Why should we be comforting her? Look, Rose, I get that you were dumped by a prince who was everything you ever wanted, and I am sorry, but we told you not to listen to what you read in stupid teen magazines, and listening to a random guy on the phone is just ridiculous, too.

ROSE: Shut up, Ariana. Even if I was wrong, he’ll still end up liking me more than you.

ARIANA: We’ll see. And I’ll be myself on the date, and not do any research, which will already be a massive improvement, anyway.

ELIZABETH: Will you two cut it with the competition stuff, already? You’re both setting yourselves up for failure, anyway, by being so into this! And Ariana, don’t you have something to do anyhow? Now?

ARIANA: Yeah, yeah. I’ve got to head out. I got a call from a proprietor that seemed interested in going into business with me in town. I printed out some concept-menus for the potential bakery already. If this pans out, we may not even need help from my future husband. (laughs at her jibe, while ROSE scowls and sticks her tongue out).

(EX. ARIANA; ELIZABETH and ROSE shift into a more comfortable position to keep talking)

ELIZABETH: I’m sorry about the prince, Rose, but honestly both you and Ariana are being a little childish right now. A good strong relationship isn’t going to be built on something as flimsy as faking it and acting how you think someone wants you, or superficial things like money and outer beauty. That’s like trying to build a house out of straw, or paper. It’s not going to hold up against the rest of the world. All it would take is one good gust of wind to blow the house down, and what are you left with then?

ROSE: I guess you’re right. But we know money’s not superficial, Beth. We only even are considered “royalty” on a technicality, and got this castle because of that. But we’re so close to losing it. We need money…

ELIZABETH: Yeah, we do… But don’t worry. We’ve got Ari’s business going up, and I have a plan of my own. We just need to stick together. None of us should be with that prince.

ROSE: You should… Out of all of us, you probably deserve it the most.

ELIZABETH: We’ll see what happens with Ariana.

(Blackout. ROCKY begins to speak from offstage)

ROCKY: (offstage) I had a lot of sources back in the day, you know? A little chump cash and I could know anything. But anyone in the underground world will tell you sometimes info can be a little faulty. That’s what happened to me way back when. I know that now. But when all this was going on, I had no idea. I’m not a good person…goblin… but I’m still human. Not really, but… Well, point is, out of everything, there is one action in this story that I did truly come to regret…

Act I, Scene V

(Lights up on a meeting between ARIANA and her “proprietor” [Rocky in a “disguise”]. They are sitting at a table together outside a quiet, rundown café.)

ARIANA: Thanks again for the meeting. I really appreciate it.

PROPRIETOR/ROCKY: No problem. So, your baking skill is definitely very good, and I think you have enough of what it takes that I’d love to do business with you. But, we need a few more contacts if we want to get this running full scale in time for the new year, as you wanted. Or maybe just one contact, actually… You live across the river from King Isaac, and his son, Prince Saul, don’t you?

ARIANA: Yeah… And the queen, as well. I’m sure if I asked they’d support me. The Queen and King have been very friendly, and I actually used to be best friends with the Queen’s son from her previous marriage. Not so much Saul… though I do have a date with him coming up. He’s looking to wed, you know. So all the eligible girls in the kingdom have been offered a date to see where things go. I don’t really care about it too much, but I did want to win out over my little sister, just to show her she’s not the only desirable one, you know? But if it helps business, I can be as charming as need be. We really need this to work out.

PROPRIETOR/ROCKY: I’m with you one-hundred percent, then, Ari. We’ll see about starting to draw up the contract-

ARIANA: Did you just call me Ari? No-one’s called me that to my face since Ricky…

PROPRIETOR/ROCKY: Sorry, did I say that? It must have been an accident. Look, how about you bring some of those strawberry cupcakes of yours to the prince, with vanilla frosting and some sort of royal emblem on top in sprinkles. I’m sure that would give you the extra mileage to get you in. Surprise him with it, don’t even say what it is. I’ve seen the prince at a few events with his father, and have heard him say he loves strawberries, and surprises. It will be perfect. I actually have the most amazing strawberry extract… (fishes in pocket a moment, then draws it out) There we go. It’s the perfect secret ingredient.

ARIANA: That does sound perfect. (slowly takes the extract from him, smiling)I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I’ll be in touch. Let me know when the papers are drawn up so I can sign, alright?

PROPRIETOR/ROCKY: Of course...

(EXIT ARIANA)

PROPRIETOR/ROCKY: (cont’d) And that’s what you get for backstabbing me, Ari… I really wish you hadn’t done that… Maybe I’d have gotten to have a royal date with you instead of royally screwing yours over. So much for love. Have fun killing the prince, Ariana.

(Blackout. Curtains down. Up on-)

Act II, Scene I-

ARIANA- (runs into living room where sisters are seated on couch. It is one week later) Oh my God, oh my God. I think I just killed the prince. Beth!

 

ELIZABETH: What? Ariana slow down! What’s going on? You were just saying yesterday that you had this. What happened?

ARIANA: I don’t know. I- He just started choking, and I had to get help and we rushed him to the ER, but then his family kicked me out. I’ve never seen them more mad. I don’t know what to do. They kept accusing me of working with Ricky, but I thought Ricky was dead. Oh my God. Both their sons could be dead, and it could be my fault on both. I can’t even…

ROSE: Maybe it’s karma.

ELIZABETH: It’s not the time, Rose. Look, calm down Ariana. I’m sure he’s fine.

ARIANA: I’m not. I’ve never been so scared. What if they arrest me, too?

ROSE: Try not to drop the soap?

ELIZABETH: Rose, do I have to say it again?

ROSE: Hey, she owes me this! After these past couple weeks at least!

ARIANA: Please stop, Rosie. I’m begging you. I’m too freaked out to be in a snark war with you right now.

ROSE: Fine. I get it. I’ll lay off.

ELIZABETH: I’ll go to the hospital to check on the prince and talk to King Isaac and Queen Camella. You’ll be fine, alright Ariana?

ARIANA: I’m…just gonna go lie down. Please let me know what you find out.

(dim to hospital room)

Act II, Scene II-

ELIZABETH: So…this is awkward. I’m sorry my sister accidentally almost killed you…

SAUL: Yeah, you can tell her it’s not gonna work out.

ELIZABETH: I figured as much… Look, Saul, about our date. I know it’s a week off but-

SAUL: Will you just marry me?

ELIZABETH: Wait what?

SAUL: Come on, Elizabeth. You and I both know you guys need the money, and I need to choose someone already and get my dad off my back about this. All the dates with your sisters, and those other girls have just been a formality. Come on. Do you really think I’d be interested at all in Rose or Ari? They’re not bad, but… Well, Rose is still just a kid. And Ari was in love with my step-brother. You’re the only one in your family that’s even close to a viable choice in the first place. We can marry in December, right before the New Years. And-

ELIZABETH: Hold on. Did I say yes?

SAUL: Well, come on Beth… Let’s not kid ourselves that this isn’t also just another formality…

ELIZABETH: I’m not that easy, Saul. And you just dissed my family. You think I’ll be with you after that? Besides, all this is just your way of covering up that you’re in love with the maid’s son from France, right? Nobody but you would put that out in the rumor mill, and I know you’d only do that if it was true. I’ve got to get back home. Feel better okay? And just tell your dad already. It’s not a big deal.

SAUL: Am I that obvious or are you that perceptive?

ELIZABETH: I’m going with both. I’ll see you around, okay?

(lights down, up on bedroom)

Act II, Scene III-

ELIZABETH: I’m home, and no princes are dead!

(enter ARIANA and ROSE)

ARIANA: So everything’s okay, then?

ELIZABETH: No, sit. Both of you. (they do) Ariana, why’d you give the prince strawberries and ipecac?

ARIANA: I what?

ELIZABETH: That’s what I thought. You know he’s allergic to strawberries? No, of course not. Only his family did. But why didn’t he know what it was?

ARIANA: It was a surprise… Oh God. My investor in the bakery…

ELIZABETH: What?

ARIANA: I was told to make him strawberry cupcakes, and that he’d love them. Then my proprietor told me to put a special strawberry extract of his in… Oh my God.

ELIZABETH: So you almost killed the prince because of the goblin he was referring to… Rocky, right?

ARIANA: No, Ricky…

ELIZABETH: What?

ROSE: Ariana, Ricky’s dead.

ARIANA: No, it’s Ricky… He called me Ari. He must have been turned into a goblin and that’s why… How could he do this to me? I can’t believe this! The contract was never even real, was it? What are we going to do?

ELIZABETH: I’ll tell you what. We are going to sell the castle.

ARIANA and ROSE: Wait- what?

ELIZABETH: Hush. We’re together, okay? And I think we need each other more than ever right now. We’re our only really strong relationships. And we can get through anything that way. So, we’re selling the castle. And we’re moving far, far away. And we’re going to stop using people for money, or for winning competitions, or trusting strangers’ advice over each others’ and faking things so that we can be comfortable. We’ll make it. We just need to leave first. We’ll all apologize to Saul in the morning, then I’ll file the papers and we’ll get to looking. I’d rather be in a house anyway.

ROSE: Okay… A sturdy one though? One of brick. I think I appreciate it more now, after what you said last week.

ELIZABETH: Absolutely. We’ll do what we can.

(lights off, single spotlight on. ROCKY/RICKY is back)

Act II, Scene IV-

ROCKY/RICKY: So, that’s the most important stuff I think. I found out that I was being looked for and ran away again. And now I’m dying, and a lot of time has passed since. I know you’re all happy and successful now, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry, Ariana, for tricking you. I’ve learned since that you weren’t the one to betray me. I actually did that myself. I just wanted you to know. I’m not a man anymore. I’m a goblin. And not a good one either. But if I’m sorry for one thing I’ve done, it’s that.

Since my brother pretty much sucked then anyway, though, I offer no apologies for the strawberries and ipecac. I’m glad you’re happy and I hope now you’re even happier to know the truth. Finally, right?

I guess all that’s left to say is ‘The End’.