My Not So Close Friend

I  can still remember when we met all those years ago. I remember laughing so hard our stomachs hurt, all those talks I would have never shared with anyone else, telling you about the guy that I knew I wanted to spend my life with but didn't think I deserved. I remember all those summers we spent together at your house with your baby sister Amber. I remember introducing you to that guy I didn't feel that I deserved, and in the end the fact that I didn't think I deserved him was my downfall and ultimately his too because I hurt him more than I ever thought I could ever hurt a person without trying to hurt him. In fact I was trying to spare him the pain of being with me, but you will never know that because you hate me. 

 

Things were so easy back then. We could sit in silence and watch TV with no awkwardness. We could sing random songs and you didn't judge me for my terrible dancing. But things don't stay simple forever... Now there's nothing left between us except the crumbs of what used to be. 

After losing you and my best friend, I tried to make new friends. I coped with the loss of losing the two so important people to me by forging false friendships with people I hoped could replace you, but there is no replacement for you. Those new friendships could have been good for me, but no one could understand me quite like you two could. 

These people didn't see me through the toughest times of my life. They didn't pick me up when I fell. They didn't see me when I was nothing, you guys did. 

A part of me will always want you here next to me, but I don't know if our paths will ever cross again. I hope from the bottom of my heart they do because there is so much I want to tell you.

I want to tell you that I graduated and went on to college. I want to tell you that I finally found some self-worth and realized that I was good enough to be with that guy I felt I didn't deserve to be with all those years ago. I want to tell you that we are having a baby and I would do anything to get you to be the god mother because I always thought you would be. Lastly, I want you to be my maid of honor but I fear you won't be.

I just hope that somewhere in your heart Shea, you know that I still love you like a sister, and nothing will ever change that.