Masquerade: Prologue

When they come, I fear that they shall choose me for I am weak and insensible. I shan't know for sure if they have come for me or if I have simply fallen in love.

                It is common for a young lady who is celebrating her eighteenth birthday to be properly introduced into society.  She is to be given a series of balls; the first ball is to be a small, precious coming of age party; the second is a larger, small town ball of which is usually given by the town that she hails from; and lastly, the ever welcomed masquerade ball.  It is thrown on Los Dias de Muertos, and it is given by the prince himself. 

 

            Ladies, under any other circumstances, would not be given permission to go out on Los Dias de Muertos.  On the two particular days known as Los Dias de Muertos, also known as The Day of The Dead, the worlds are said to cross between our world and the world of creatures of the night.  I've studied both worlds extensively, and I have prayed for my eighteenth year to come, but unfortunately for me my birthday comes on October 7th, and that means that I have only three weeks to have my three balls.  My mother has been planning my coming of age ever since she heard the words 'It's a girl', and she has also been trying to keep my older brother’s return and  my two younger sisters’ silly behaviors from absolutely ruining my chances of finding a proper man to marry.

 

            I should begin by speaking of the horrid impositions that the rumors that I have spoken of remark upon.  On Los Dias de Muertos the King of Grantsville throws a ball for all the young ladies who turn eighteen on or before November 1-2.  At the stroke of midnight on October 31, when the day officially changes to El día de los Santos (The Day of the Saints), the worlds are said to collide with one another causing the creatures from Shadow to be able to interact with the humans.  They come on these specific nights to capture a human in the fight to become king.  The best chance the creatures have are to try to seduce a human before midnight on November 2, El día de las Alma (The Day of Souls); usually the pursuer is male, and the first to bring a willing human into their realm is crowned King of Shadow until another can manage to bring home a new human subject.  The stupid, idiotic humans who choose to willingly go with the creatures are said to be tortured beyond belief.  I have heard that the last thing the humans hear, are their own screams.

 

            Like every other girl turning eighteen this year, I am not concerned with the rumors.  I am only concerned with how well my birthday might go.  I have been imagining the day for years.  I always overlook the first two balls, but the third is the one that closes in on me.  Oh the dreams that I have conjured for the night are amazing, and this is how it all goes…

Author's Note

This is something I started a long time ago. So ignore the bad grammar and let me know what you think.

Reviews

[Neverwhere]

Since you wrote this "a long time ago", I assume your writing voice has changed in the mean time, however, I would say that writing in a somewhat more personal tone, inviting the reader into the young lady's world and trying not to make it sound quite so much like an educational essay, would be to your benefit, if you were to continue with the piece and expand it more, and thereby reduce the "lecture" tone. I think I like where the possibilities of this piece could go.

[Nikki Richardson]

My writing voice has changed a lot since I originally started the story. I've gone over it once or twice in the last two years editing and no one has ever really told me to make my tone more personal. I definitely see what you mean by it though. I hope you'll read the next installment when I post it on Monday.

[Sabrina Jade Howard]

I totally agree here. Make it a tad bit more conversational. Use dialogue. give the character a bit more personality. Other than that, awesome job!

[Nikki Richardson]

Thank you.

[Coyote Poetry]

A wonderful start to the story. You have create life situation and celebration of life beginning. Eighteen, where we decide our journey. Thank you Nikki for sharing the excellent opening chapter.
Coyote

[Sabrina Jade Howard]

I really like the idea here. There was a lot of background info that drew me in. However, as other reviewers have said, it was a little too "lectury," you know, not enough of a casual writing style. Remember: It's in first person perspective, not third person omniscient.

~Sabrina Jade Howard~

[Nikki Richardson]

Thanks. I'll try to change it up while I'm editing

[Mittens]

Overall: I really like the setup that you're portraying here; it leaves a number of different story lines available to explore and piques the reader's interest. Is she going to fall in love with a cleverly disguised demon at the ball? Does the prince charm her instead and defend her? Or, possibly, does the prince become the victim and she sets out to rescue him from demon clutches? You left a lot of possible plots and I'm hoping you write more of them out so we find out how things go. Are you releasing more of this one for us?

Suggestions: You fit a lot of background information into a few small paragraphs. Don't feel you need to throw as much exposition out there as possible as quickly as you can. Let the reader discover tidbits. Perhaps let the protagonist describe her preparations for the upcoming events, choosing a costume for the ball with her mother, while her family tells her about certain traditions ("don't wear white or demons will get you"), to move the plot while also informing the reader about background information.

Additional Note: Your grammar and mechanics are just fine. :)

[Nikki Richardson]

Thank you for reading and commenting, I'm glad you like it so far. I definitely have to work on spreading details out more because my English teachers drilled into my head 'more details, more details!' I always try to pack as many in as I can.

[Maggy Maid]

I like the way in which you portray your voice.

[Nikki Richardson]

Thank you :)