Differences

The final writing of a man who drove himself mad as he pondered the implications of multiple universes and his place in them.

[The following text was recovered from a notebook in room 140 of Oak Hollows Asylum.  It has been slightly altered for readability but much of it remains unchanged.]

 

Differences

That’s the key.  I use them as a sort of map to find out I am in the multiverse.  Comparing the change in the world you’re currently residing to the world you came from can give you a bearing on how far you plunged through dimensional space.  The larger the change, the further the fall.  Sometimes the change is so insignificant it can’t be detected.  But sometimes it shakes your world to the core.  It tears your preconceived notions of stability to ribbons.  That’s what happened to me. 

That’s why I’m here.

I saw the change.  I realized what was going on around me.  What’s going on around all of us, right now.  Most of us are too blind to see it, but not I.  No, not I. 

It started one night as I drove my girlfriend home.  We drove through an abnormally small patch of fog.

“Suddenly fog,” she said with a laugh as we exited the mist.

“What if that wasn’t just fog?  What if we drove into another universe?” I asked.  It may seem strange, but she and I frequently had discussions like these.

“Oooh,” she said.  I could hear in her voice that she was turning the idea around in her head, considering the possibilities.

“Think about it.  If ‘Multiple Worlds’ is correct, then there are an infinite amount of universes, each self-contained and separate one another.  But what if there are holes between them-“

“And we crossed into one of them?”

“Exactly!” I exclaimed.

“Then we should start looking for differences,” she said.

“What if when I get home, my parents are both wearing gloves?  Wouldn’t that be insane?” I said, shifting the topic over to a fictional story.  But I had already planted the seed within my own mind.

A seed that would grow to destroy me.

            The next few days continued like the rest.  School, work, study, sleep, rinse, repeat.  But the discussion we had continued to gnaw at my psyche.  I began to catch myself looking for differences in the world around me. 

Did Paarthurnax’s [patient’s pet] tail always look like that?

How long has that poster been there?

Dr. ***** [identity redacted] seems different today. 

            Everything seemed the same.  But nothing felt the same.  It was as if everything had been replaced by a duplicate of itself.

            The more differences I noticed, the more my certainty grew.  But my view had changed.  No longer did I believe that our patch of fog was an isolated incident.  I now know that I’ve been hurtling through multiple universes with ease.  And why would it be an isolated incident?  If there’s one small hole, there are many small holes.  Universes aren’t the self-contained bubbles I once thought.  In reality, they’re more like a bunch of sponges.  Material travels easily through the pores in the universes, but they can only hold a set amount.  So when something goes into one, it displaces something.  Every time I enter a new universe, my counterpart leaves that universe to make room for

[evident lapse of patient into delirium]

            theyre watching waiting for us to close our eyes i have to make sure they know i know or they’ll know that no one knows

[Patient returns to ‘normal’ thought process.  Possible self-induced psychosis.]

            If I want this log to remain readable I must continue to consume the Risperdal I stole from the medicine counter.  It’s the only thing that’s able to clear the haze of voices from my mind.  I desperately hope I have enough to complete my task.

            Anyhow, the more certain I grew, the more confrontational I became.  When I vocalized my belief that someone was an imposter, I received laughter in return.  I wasn’t being taken seriously.

That had to change.

            I tried to find a way to convince them all of what was happening, but to no avail.  I must’ve sounded like a madman to them.  One day as I attempted to explain the predicament to ****, I accidentally thought about the implications.

And then my mind shattered.

As I explained it to him I realized, there will be one universe where he agrees with me, one where he doesn’t, one where he wants me to explain again one where i explain it wrong one where i explain it perfectly one where nothing makes sense anymore nothing makes sense anymore nothing makes sense any more nothing makes sense anymore nothing makes sense anymore

∞�-∞

                According to the doctors and witnesses, I began screaming inexplicably.  Inexplicably to them at least.  I know exactly why I was screaming, although I don’t remember it.  The human brain is a complex machine, but it was never built to ponder infinity, much less infinity multiplied by infinity.  Ever since the night in the fog, my mind was trying to wrap itself around the concept and in that moment, it successfully did it.  I couldn’t handle it.  Like an overloaded fuse, I snapped.  That is, if overloaded fuses could scream until their throats and ears bleed.

            My mind was put into a haze.  After a while, I stopped screaming, but the haze remained.  All of my brain’s process went on halt.  Only the primitive functions remained.  I could see, hear, and smell the world around me; however, without being able to process these sounds, images and scents, the world seemed terrifyingly alien.  Imagine this: a van pulls up, men pile out of it, they put you in a straitjacket, throw you in the van, and ship you to some hospital for the insane. Now imagine that you don’t know what vans, men, straitjackets, and hospitals are. 

            I lived in that haze for two months.  I never left the hospital in that time.  Then I was prescribed Risperdal, and the the haze was briefly lifted.  Large quantities seem to have a better effect, but I fear I am growing and immunity.

            I tried to communicate with the nurses during my fleeting moments of clarity.  I must have seemed like just another one of their deranged patients, rapidly rambling of parallel universes and sponges until I lapse back into silence with that blank stare plastered on my face.

            But even as I sit in this padded cell, I notice changes.  One day the walls were ever so slightly darker than the day before.  One day my nurse had a different accent im sure of it one time i noticed that every poster in the hallway was at least an inch below where they usually are one day the medicine counter was slightly to the left of its normal position one time they call me crazy when they think i cant hear them but i can i can always hear them

            I’m running dangerously low on Risperdal.  I can feel my heart rate increasing and my head is beginning to throb painfully.  I need to conclude this as soon as I can.

            Always look for differences.  When something doesn’t seem quite right, don’t disregard it.  Chart your course through universes, but don’t peer too deeply into the well. 

for the love of god dont look into the well

you will fall

you will drown

as i have

 

[Patient was found dead on October 30^th, 2013.  Risperdal overdose was found to be the cause of death beyond a shadow of reasonable doubt.]

Author's Note

I wrote this at two in the morning, so please feel free to point out any grammatical or spelling errors. Also, of course, criticize the hell out of it or tell me what you like about it.

Reviews

[Epipsychologist]

I like the general premise, but I was a little confused about whether or not the conclusion he comes to is that he is always falling through universes, or is doing so deliberately, or has always been falling through. I like that his descent into madness is paralleled by his descent through universes. Finally, I think it would be kind of badass if you wrote something like this were the protagonist can deal, and just falls through multiple dimensions unphased, accidentally making assumptions about one dimension or another and then realizing their not true. (But you write the story you feel, you know).

[Lukie LeDoux]

I tried to leave stuff like that up to interpretation. It's all how you want to see it. Also, that would be cool, sort of like Elizabeth from BioShock Infinite. Thanks for the review!

[Quoting Ravens]

Oooh you actually did it! Yay! If only we acted on our Paulson/Azrael (No, writer, Azrael/Paulson) crossovers that quickly.
I really like it.
Also, I see what you did there, using our anniversary for a death date. How romantic!

[Lukie LeDoux]

I'm glad you enjoyed it!