Frustrations

Just a mindless ramble, nothing else...

I haven't been around much. Going through the usual day to day life, I could say I've been too busy, and while that wouldn't be a lie, I know in my heart it would be.

I've had a lot of loss in the recent past, and while they both hurt, they don't hurt the same. And even one instance brought laughter in it's own weird way.

 

I can say that both have caused changes, and the third, has brought about a freedom that I cannot describe. And I am writing this, to help myself, more than to help anyone else.

 

The only way to start of course, is just to start.

In October, I went through surgery, and by the end of the first week into November, I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy. That isn't bad, and in all honesty that hasn't even really been on my mind. But, I think it started a chain of events, if you will.

Two days before Thanksgiving a dear, dear friend of mine passed away. But, because of the surgery I didn't have the sick time or the vacation time to go to the funeral. And I am dealing with the guilt that comes with a situation that I didn't have control over to begin with. But, the guilt is still there, along with an overwhelming sadness. And I know in time, that it will pass.

 

On December 19th, I found out that my Great Grandmother passed away. With her death, I am struggling a great deal. You see, she was my biological father's Grandma. And b'c of him I haven't had the chance to talk to her, or to see her, in a very long time. I was fourteen the last time I saw her. A part of me realizes that I couldn't talk to her if I was to protect myself from him. And another part of me, wonders why I am still so afraid of him.

 

I know all about wounds that run deep, and deep seated fears. But, I've always been able to overcome anything. It seems, anything but this fear of him. I try to fool myself, letting myself think that he didn't win. But, it is because of this fear, that going to her funeral wasn't even an option, even if I had been able to do it.

 

I know that I have to find a way to work this out, and I know that "therapy" is technically an option. But, I also know that if I go that route, some of the symptoms I have fought for so long will get worse before they get better.

 

I had an all out panic attack yesterday in the bathtub. I haven't had one of those in about five years. Well, at least one that was so vivid. It's almost like dreaming while you're wide awake. And even though I realize it is only a "hallucination" for lack of a better word. It is still terrifying. It stole my breath, and it made me weak in the knees.

 

And to think, that is only because I've been thinking about it, and not even talking about it. I was so stunned, there I was lying in the tub. The warm water flowing around me, the smell of the bubbles overwhelming my senses. And then, I saw him, while not seeing him, walk into the bathroom and stare at me, openly. Like he did so many times before.

 

I couldn't move, I couldn't think. All I know is that I got out of the tub, threw on clothes and came to the living room. My other half was there, lying on the couch. I didn't say a word to him about it. I didn't want him to worry. He does enough of that, I know. But, when he went to take a shower, I had to go with him. There was such a fear, over something that I knew wasn't there.

 

It's embarrassing to still admit that he has that type of power. Like I said, I haven't been talking about it, this is just from bringing up the memories in my own mind. I know that if I head back into therapy and open up they "day terrors" will get worse. The anxiety, the crying for no reason, it'll start up again. I know it's something that I should do...

But, it is not a road I think I am ready to travel again. I also worry about what my other half will think. Ryan was such a jerk about it.

 

He would get angry when I would want to talk about it. I don't think my new, wonderful man would be like that spoiled little boy. But, what I do realize, is that he handed me a fear, a fear of being a burden, which is one I already had from my past.

 

I don't know what else to think, or what else to do. I know I should just open up and start talking again. But, I don't want to sound like a broken record, and I don't want to deal with it at the moment either. I am tired of trying to justify why I feel the way I feel. And I am tired of feeling like I have to. Anyway... thanks for the ramble.

 

I feel a little better....

xo