The Initiation

Ok, so I can be a teensie bit odd...

I've born this alone for far too long... and the horrific memories are too much to bear. My initiation into the Deviant Coalition was an experience that has scarred me for life... Beware The Cattle... I was asked to harm helpless animals... or so I thought... Tip  100 cows in 24 hours... sounds easy enough... doesn't it? I went to the nearest farm as suggested by the group... a small ranch just west of Peoria... around 3 a.m. to avoid detection of course... creeping slowly through the damp grass to the first sleeping cow... I placed my shoulder squarely against the cows side just above the ribs and shoved...

Nothing... the cow however did awaken... "Hey a*****e..."

"What the f**k are you doing?"

I had to stop... did the cow question me? or did I just imagine that?

"Hey Lenny! Wake up and check this a*****e out!"

Nope... I heard it that time... The cow was talking... the cow was f*****g talking! What kind of twisted a*s farm had I wandered into?

I grabbed the first thing I could get my hands on... an old piece of wooden fence...and swung....

"Ouch" said the cow... "Why's this ape-like thing whacking me with a stick?"

"Lenny... this ape is whacking me with a stick! What the f**k?!"

The cow jumped back a step and plodded out of swinging range... and stared at me...

an expression of confusion on his face...

A voice from behind me came... "Take care of him Pete... we got your back..."

I turned to find I was encircled by 4 other cows... bearing expressions I can only describe as hateful and enraged... and I think a little..... enlivened by my presence....

It was then I noticed the carcass of an elderly woman lying in a patch of larkspur...

half eaten... half there... bloodied and staring thru lifeless eyes at the stars...

One of the cows stepped forward and nudged the carcass... then glanced at me...

"This one looks like he might put up a better fight than the last..."

"But he also looks a little leaner too..." said another

The original cow I had attempted to assault repeated "The ape whacked me with a f*****g stick!" as if still in disbelief...

"He just doesn't know where he is... Do ya buddy?" said the cow I believe they called Lenny... "Just a bit lost aren't ya?"

I could only stand there... mouth open... breathing shallowly and feeling very disoriented...

I managed to utter only one sentence...."you... can talk?"...

Another cow gave me a nudge to my left hip and rumbled..."You're a f*****g talking ape... is it so hard to imagine a cow can do the same?"...

"Wrap you're mind around this ape-boy... we don't all eat grass either as you might have guessed..." He smirked as he hissed the words... a look of complete satisfaction and pleasure on his face... and I could see the blood dried on his nostrils and lips... and I could smell the blood on his breath as his hissed words wrapped my face...

I slowly started to back away from the group... my feet did not want to move but I knew... I knew if I didn't I would be gazing at the stars just like the old woman... and what wasn't left lying on the pasture tonight would be by tomorrow night.... I moved so slowly I had to look to make sure the motion wasn't just in my head...

"He's gonna bolt Lenny..." one cow said...

And I froze...  I could now see other cows coming to the circle... 10 now maybe more...

'Nah... he's stuck... like a deer in headlights..." Lenny said... "He's goin nowhere..."

The circle started to close... I could hear chuckles... and heavy breathing... like a fat man going after a chili cheeseburger...

"Just relax ape-boy... you won't feel a thing..."

Then it broke... the haze lifted and my feet screamed "run dickhead!"... and I wheeled around to flee....

But not seeing the large hoof stuck out in front of me by a guernsey with several scars around his right eye... I fell hard... my face hit the wet grass and made a very solid thump... and then things began to melt away in black and stars....

I awoke the next morning to bright sunshine and warmth on my face... I was lying near the road and my jeep on the outside of the pasture fence... shoes were gone... wallet too...

and there was a manilla envelope lying on my chest... I sat up and opened the envelope... I pulled it's contents out in the streaming sun.... 3 photos... and a note... the photos were horrific... mutilated, partially eaten bodies... and cows in the act of devouring their kills... and me.... along side... my hand lept to my face... I rubbed... and sure enough... drying blood... and a sickening rusty taste in my mouth... I then read the note...

"Hey Glenn... you are one of us now... a little sicker actually I think... seeing as we don't eat our own kind... but none the less... we don't judge... Unless you make us... We'll be hanging on to your drivers license... in case you decide you can't keep this to yourself... or guilt makes you do something stupid... the shoes too...  DNA and all...just be smart and you'll be fine... oh and we snagged the cash you had for Grape Nehi, theft usually isn't our bag but it's been awhile since we had any out here in the sticks... and whats a small loan between friends right?

Be seein ya......"

It was signed Lenny....

I rose to my feet and headed for my jeep when I noticed Lenny... standing next to the fence...

"Hey Glenn... Just remember... we got lots more of those pictures like you got in that envelope..... You didn't see nothing! Just some cows... and a little tipping... "

And he plodded off into the herd again....

I drove very quickly back to my house.... couldn't wait to wash the experence from me... to cleanse the impurities I now felt from my body...

Thats when I found the second envelope... photos of cows lying on their sides... 100's of them... and another note...

"your camera and all... and like I said... you're one of us now... a "Deviant"... something off the beaten path... out of the realm of normal...nso here's what ya came for... Lenny"

a small grin crept to my mouth... tugging the corners up til I couldn't control the smile and the outburst of laughter that ensued....

"I'm going out for a burger... anyone care to join me?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"DEVIATE"

Author's Note

Just stupidity spewing forth.

Reviews

[mirui]

LOL. That was kinda hilarious. great job.