Realization...

more rambling... waxing philosophical... self-reflecting? You tell me. I just wandered here.

... can often be a very harsh thing... discovering that you are not what you thought you were... to yourself or to someone else... well... to put it plainly... is a b***h.

But as a wise man once said..."Everything is ok with enough vodka..."

(bonus points for any body who can tell me who it was that said it)

I'm staring at American Outlaws... what a piece of s**t this movie is. Wow. Maybe that's why I'm in such a fucked up mood?

But anyway... don't want to get all bogged down in monkeys, poo flinging or any cheeses before I can spit this out...

Realization of self... I know who I am... I am proud of it... so why does it change now when it really matters? Why do I fumble for answers and decisions? I've never wondered about anything until recently... I always knew without pause... without question... the right thing to do... the right path to take... but now sitting here empty handed and feeling bewildered... I am at a loss... just at a f*****g loss... Do I get on a plane? Do I sit my a*s here in the hotel? Do I go see her? Do I sit and wait for decisions to be made for me? Do I... Do I... F**k! Questions suck. A buddy is all passed out in the next bed snoring like a chainsaw and mumbling some chicks name... and giggling... I envy him...

I know what I want... I always have... But when it comes down to it I'm simply too weak to obtain it... Or maybe too weak to allow it to come to me... I just don't know... And I have never been in that predicament before... To want and need something so badly that it weakens me... To be humbled and weakened by a love, is a very powerful thing... And I never quit... So the nausea and anger at my stupid, wishy washy a*s will just have to go on... The end result is all that matters right? As long as I play well... right? Justly? However you want to phrase it... Then to the victor, the spoils deserved... correct? I like to think so... and that's at least what I tell myself... I spent an hour out wandering the streets around the hotel... just breathing... being... took some photos... bought some tequila... Patron Plata... very nice... but the thoughts were never gone from my mind. The questions were always there just behind my eyes like shadows on everything I saw... Like night time halos of light... And that voice in the back of my mind... "You p***y a*s b***h." But her face makes the voice quiet most of the time... That face... Turns me dust with a glance... Hell, a simple picture... I am burned... I am ashes... longing to be smoke carried on the wind... instead of just scattered on the ground being blown a few feet... then pausing... being scattered a piece at a time... Though it seems to be in the right direction... it's just not quick enough... it's never quick enough... I just can't get there when I want to... When I need to...

So I wait... and I churn... and I sit here thinking that maybe I'll just f**k with my buddy lying in his drunken stupor in the next bed... he's giggling and mumbling again... B*****d...

I envy him....

Author's Note

This is a rambling run through a night of self reflection, and pondering a woman who had pretty much wiped my world from the game board with 1 sentence. Yes, there was a lot of tequila involved. Have at it.

Reviews

[SecretHeartOpened]

I enjoyed it. I especially enjoyed that is was not flat. It had a texture of confusion, and disdain for the situation and the lack of conviction that the author obviously was feeling, along with his pain, but at the same time there was a flavor of humor. That kept it from being just another "sad song."

[Lucifer Jones]

Thank you... feel free to pull up a chair anytime.