Someday...

more of my ramblings...

     Someday I will be warm again. No longer chilled by the delicate frost that burns my skin. No longer burned by you. Everywhere I look I see your face. Every breath is a taste unforgotten. I can feel your weight on my skin. Your eyes haunt me. I would lie myself a pretty, and attempt to believe that someday I'll be through with this pain... But such a pretty fiction would only prolong the agony. Acceptance that the ache will always be within me is my only survival. You hate me... I love you. An old story I no longer wish to know. I just can't escape your grasp.You scar and stain my flesh. I can stop the bleeding until you reappear... So the story winds on and on... Over and again in my mind. It's still yesterday... Every new morning is that yesterday. Ghosts of you singing in my shadows. All alone staring at your photographs, letters, notes and messages praying that my demons will lose the pretty purple box in which they store my hell of you.

     I would like to believe that someday I will no longer question why. That I will be able to merely accept treachery and stop pointing fingers. That someday I will be done with you... But I know better. The pretty boxes in the attic storing all I cannot let go. My shadows of comfort and agony... You are somehow both. I remember all too well and all too much. I have long ago forgiven and embraced the real you. The you just below the surface, child or not, homeless, beaten  and abandoned? The you that lay with him... The you lying with him... Embraced and forgiven. Loved. A flawed diamond. Yet still my diamond. All the more beautiful to me for the imperfections. And all the more painful. No longer my jewel... You noose my mind, paralyze my voice and still my heart... and that's just your shadow. I could not stand in your presence. I would tremble and sob at your feet, drowning in the all too real. Knowing truths we will never share. I'm sorry but I will never explain again... I can't. It always falls on dull eyes and deaf ears... now poisoned by venom and a shield. I will not apologize for the bites of snakes... I only regret not being able to protect you. I tried. I failed. 

     Yes, I watched. As if looking through glass, I watched you trapped and cornered. An assault of lies from strangers, aliens no longer functioning as souls. Coiled reptiles in guise... I watched, powerless, the destruction of what was to be. The slithering deceptions entwined. The soul you know better than any, defiled. Brackish tears blinding... I shut my eyes tight to see you smile again... but it had already happened. Your smile only in my mind... The stones had already been cast and sunk to depths unretrievable in any time to protect either of us. I was merely gazing upon ripples in the water... Echoes of the splash. The ripples that became waves to crush my life and steal my breath. I still can't catch my breath as I bleed of you. Even with only hate to fill the pools of blue I dream. 

     This runs on endlessly... It never ends. Waking to tears and ache. I pray an end to your haunting and in the same breath beg your ghosts dance and sing in my shadows. I beg them kill my love. Futility. My love cannot die, for I left my eyes with you. Someday... perhaps? I know better. You hate me.... I love you... I am Jacob... I stand unconquered.... yet felled by the anguish of you.  Please... a deadening of the anger that fills me at this agony. I know agony. I'm always begging. This was not how it was supposed to end... I am disjointed in that knowledge.

     Someday? I have lost all perception of what that even means. That I will be able to withdraw the venom that now accompanies my daily breath and sing rather than hiss. That I will be able to reconcile my anger, vexation and love.... I can only pray... I sit in shadows on the edge of the light. I live in the gloaming striving to thrive once again. I have found a smile, though it be weak and seldom visited. Your ghosts dance and sing in my shadows... My demons collect their baubles and paint their pretty boxes to bring me hell from the attic... My hell that is you. Scarred... You stain my skin. It will always be beautiful. But you will always make me bleed freely. Why did you come looking? Someday? You? I cannot bear nor fight those ponderings... Dream? Nightmare? Both... I am always in Oregon.

Author's Note

I have no idea... the figure is lost... rambling and bleeding. I have questions I can never ask. So, you tell me. Have at it.