Chapter 1

Justin goes to work one entirely ordinary day, only to find that it wasn't ordinary at all.

                Justin Carmichael woke up one entirely ordinary morning. He went through his entirely ordinary routine, eating an entirely ordinary breakfast, taking an entirely ordinary shower and packing an entirely  ordinary lunch for his entirely  ordinary job as an entirely ordinary cashier at an entirely ordinary grocery store. He walked his entirely ordinary route along an entirely ordinary road, said hello to some other entirely  ordinary people and eventually came to his entirely ordinary place of work.

But today was not ordinary at all. It was, in fact, the most entirely extraordinary day in Justin’s life, which is actually really quite sad when you find out what happens. It’s really not that special. Well, it is, but not as special as it could have been. Not as special as it would have been had he stood two inches closer.

But enough with the vague clues, let’s move on.

Justin’s day was going quite ordinarily. He dealt with angry customers, all the pretty girls ignored him and his boss was kind of a dick. Same old, same old. Ordinary, one might say. But that wasn’t to last long.

The alarm on his watch rang throughout the store. Quitting time. He left his post without a second thought to the customers standing in line, ignoring the complaining, cussing and general unpleasantness of the human race.

As he was punching out, a loud explosion shook the store. Justin took no notice, though. He just wanted to go home and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer reruns. The musical episode was on tonight. His favourite. He always wore his mustard stained shirt for the occasion.

He left the employee lunch room with his bag slung over his shoulder. Around him was a lot of hullabaloo. Fire, smoke, dead bodies, an enormous hole in the wall. That kind of hullabaloo. Oh, and some basket case flying around on some kind of flying jet ski that happened to be shooting lasers out of a comically large cannon mounted on the front.

Justin kept on walking. Not his problem, he was off the clock. He walked down the household cleaners aisle and was almost to the door when the thing on the flying jet ski noticed him.

“You!” It screamed. It’s face was a nasty shade of green, and while mostly humanoid, seemed to have a few bear-like features mixed it. His body was clad in jade green armour with dark fur trim. Justin wasn’t sure what this thing was technically called, but he decided it wasn’t much more than an eyesore.

An eyesore with a rather large laser cannon.

“Why do you not flee and scream like a chicken with a needle in its eye like all the others? Does my impressively large cannon not intimidate you?” It continued. Justin suddenly realized that this thing was male. He’d prefer not to share how he came to this realization.

“No, no.” Justin said. “It’s very intimidating. It’s just that I’ve had a long day and I just want to go home and-“

“How dare you patronize the great Rogan the Conqueror!” The male thing cut him off. “Rogan has the biggest cannon in all of the known universe!”

“I’m sure it is. Look, If I don’t get home soon, I’m going to miss Buffy, So if you don’t mind.” Justin turned and began to walk away when another large explosion shook the store. Justin sighed. He really should just get Netflix like everybody else. But paying a monthly fee was such a hassle.

 

*

 

At this time, it is important to know that at this moment, another man, named Brad Salinger, was cowering near Justin’s feet. Brad was a high school dropout, but he didn’t drop out for the typical drop out reasons. Those being laziness, financial hardship, extenuating circumstances, etcetera, etcetera.

In fact, Brad was an extremely intelligent man, though he had an extreme  problem with authority. He would never be told what to do. Never. Never ever never. He would lop his arm off first, he claimed. He would stick a crowbar through his eye. He would jump into a ball pit where all the balls had been replaced with porcupines. He would even watch Glee before he took orders. It was at this point that everyone knew he was truly serious.

Brad was currently working as the self-publishing author of such books as the bestselling How to Not Be a Total Sheeple-Herd-Following-Dumb-Person and How to Tell your Boss to Go Perform Salacious Acts Upon Himself. Though, at this point in time, Brad was terrified and completely willing to do whatever Rogan the Conqueror wanted.

Anyway, back to Justin.

 

*

 

Justin looked over to where the sound of the explosion came from. Yet another wall was missing, and in its place was a rather large man in leotards with a giant D on his chest.

Also, he was flying.

Justin had seen this man before. On TV, or the internet or something like that. His name was Super Dude, or something. He was what people were calling a ‘Superhero’. He fought super villains, saved lives and brought peace to the city. Though, from what Justin had seen, he mostly just wrecked buildings and stopped pretty girls from falling off the buildings he’d just finished wrecking. Tragically, most of the men and less pretty girls didn’t make it off said buildings. Justin decided then and there to call him Super D****e instead.

Justin sighed again.

“Rogan the Compensator!” Super D****e shouted. “Put down the penis metaphor and step away from the super cool flying thing!” Rogan didn’t like that.

“Conqueror! It’s Rogan the Conqueror!” Rogan the Compensator shouted. Instead of doing as Super D****e said, Rogan aimed his cannon at the newly arrived superhero and fired.

A giant, bulbous green laser erupted from the end of the cannon and flew straight at Super D****e. Super D****e simply let the laser bounce off his chest, which sent it Justin’s way.

The laser struck the shelf behind him, causing the bottles and jugs of cleaning supplies to explode all over Justin and Brad, the majority landing on the stubbornly independent author.

Justin felt the cleaning supplies hit his eyes, enter his mouth and seep in through his ears. Great. Now he was going to have to throw away this shirt. Not that it was a particularly nice shirt, but it was rather comfortable and it had only cost him three dollars at a thrift shop. Justin always grew attached to items he saved money on. Always felt he owed them something.

 

*

 

While Justin was fussing over his ruined shirt, the cleaning supplies that had seeped through the many natural holes in his head were nearing his brain. Of the many molecules involved, one in particular lead the charge. No one knew his name, mostly because molecules don’t have names or even conscious thought (As far as we humans know of, at least.).

But even so, this one molecule, from here on out referred to as The King of All the Molecules that Entered Justin Carmichael’s Head on That One Day That That Compensator Dude/Thing Blew Up a Shelf of Cleaning Supplies (Or, for simplicity’s sake, ‘The King’), cared so deeply for his brethren that he took it upon himself to find them a new home. And that home was forward. He was sure of it. The group that the King entered with was one of the many that entered through Justin’s right ear.

On his way inward, he came across several other groups of molecules who, after some small skirmishes, agreed to ride under the King’s banner. They then continued on and when they were mere millimeters away from Justin’s brain, they were met with an enormous group of molecules that had come from Justin’s mouth.

This group was under the rule of a molecule that some historians (Who really need to get out more) have come to call the Tyrant. When the King saw the travesties that took place in the Tyrant’s army, such as atoms being kept as slaves and having their electrons removed when they disobeyed, and oppression of non-military molecules, he decided he could not stand by and let his family suffer. He declared war on the Tyrant.

After a long and bloody conflict, the King eventually overcame the Tyrant, dispatching him with his own hands (Or whatever molecules have instead of hands), and freed the Tyrant’s subjects. Many were grateful, but others had succumbed to Stockholm syndrome and hated the King for murdering their master. They plotted their revenge, though they feared the King too much to rise against him. For now, at least.

Soon word spread throughout Justin’s skull to other groups of molecules, particularly the ones who entered through the eyes. These molecules were weary and not fit to fight, as eyeballs are treacherous terrain. They decided that travelling with the King was their best, and only, option.

The King’s numbers grew, and he was loved by most of his subjects. Eventually, they all reached the brain, only to find that molecules from the left ear had already taken up residence.

Left Ear Molecules were barbaric, vicious and without mercy or understanding. You see, they had been hardened by a long and hard journey through a mild ear infection in Justin’s left ear. They had seen their brothers and sisters disintegrate. They had seen their mothers and fathers die in each other’s arms after absorbing toxic fluid. They had seen their children wither and dies moments after being born simply because they were not strong enough. Now they lived in the brain, a paradise long foretold by their leader, the Prophet.

The Prophet approached the King on his arrival and commanded him to leave the brain and never come back. The brain was theirs and theirs alone. The King asked why they couldn’t live together. There was lots of brain to go around.

The Prophet murdered the King then and there. Torn him down and stabbed him one hundred and forty seven times. The King’s people stood in shock. Until then, they had believed the King un-killable, immortal. Now they didn’t know what to do. They had no leader, no objective. Only an insane molecule covered in whatever molecules have instead of blood that had once run through the whatever molecules have instead of veins of their King.

Seemingly out of nowhere, the anti-King molecules mentioned earlier rose up, freed from their fear of the King. They took the King’s army by surprise and slaughtered them all with the help of the Left Ear Molecules.

And soon the oppressions that had only been seen under the cruel rule of the Tyrant returned to the molecules that had once served the King. Executions, torture, and slavery. A horrible state of living arose for the King’s people, and an only slightly better state for the Left Ear Molecules. Though this didn’t last long.

Under the Prophet’s rule, starvation and plague were commonplace. Soon society collapsed into anarchy and it wasn’t long after that until more war broke out. The molecules in Justin’s brain were all wiped out moments later, leaving Justin’s brain slightly mutated and deformed.

All of this, however, took place within a fraction of a millisecond and is completely irrelevant to the overall story, except for the part about Justin’s brain being slightly mutated.

A similar thing happened in Brad’s brain, except he received a larger does in his right ear, causing his equivalent of the King to win against Brad’s equivalent of the Prophet and ruled for a full millisecond, leaving a larger, healthier mutation.

 

*

 

Justin’s head ached for a split second, then stopped. Odd, but irrelevant.

Overhead, Rogan and Super D****e were fighting. Lasers bounced everywhere, setting the store on fire and destroying everything inside. Except of course for the pretty girls, who Super D****e went out of his way to save.

Justin decided that now would be a good time to leave. Sticking around would only prove to be a hassle. He stood up and exited the store without anybody noticing.