Sorrow

Sorrow

What is the saying, God will never give you more than you can handle?  I have come to find that saying incomplete.  It should be more like this; God will never give you more than you can handle without HIM. 

Things were getting pretty stretched in our household as Erik’s health began to rapidly slip away.  Micah and I were both getting edgy with our stress and many times found we snapping at one another.  Natasha began to withdraw into herself more and more each day.  Despite all our emotions, Erik remained cheerful.  He would pat Micah on the shoulder every time Micah helped Erik to the bathroom.  Erik would want to watch as Natasha played video games or her toys in the living room.  He would want me to just sit with him on the couch when I would get home from work.  In Erik’s own way, he was trying to be a comfort to each of us.

Erik’s birthday, April 11^th, and Easter were approaching.  Micah and I made plans for the children for both.  We made sure Erik and Natasha’s Easter baskets were bought and hidden safely away.  Erik’s birthday gifts were all bought, he had asked for a Game Cube or a Game Boy Advanced.  Micah ended up giving Erik the Game Cube early because the mobility in his hands were getting worse and we wanted him to enjoy the game while he could. 

One day, while we were all sitting in the living room, Natasha spoke up.

“I want my old Erik back,” she said, “I don’t like this new Erik, he can’t do anything.”

I was taken back a little.  Erik started to cry.  Natasha, being six, still did not understand everything that was going on.  Micah, keeping his temper in check, began to explain to Natasha that we all wished Erik would be back to walking, running, and playing with her just like he did before.  I was getting Erik to calm down, which would usually take a little bit, and let him know Natasha did not mean it to sound as bad as it did.  It was at this point that Micah and I decided to tell Erik and Natasha that the doctors did not expect Erik to get better, but instead he would continue to get worse and even die.

We all began to cry at that point.  Micah and I told the children that unless God was to work a miracle, then eventually we would loose Erik.

Natasha stayed closer to Erik after that.  She would play the video games so he could watch and help her discover the puzzles.  Every now and then Erik would pick up the controller to place for a little bit until his hand wouldn’t cooperate anymore.

Two weeks before Erik’s birthday, his health took a dive.  He was starting to loose more mobility.  Eating had become really difficult and I would have to give him soft foods that he could easily swallow, and at the same time make sure he did not choke.  His breathing was even more labored.  Erik could no longer sit up without support.  That was what we could see on the outside, there was no telling what all was happening inside his body.

The PA from the air force base started to stop by so we did not have to make the long trip into Fairbanks.  He would take Erik’s vital signs and report them back to Dr. McFarland.  Even the PA was worried about Erik’s decline in health.  They even hooked Erik up to an IV to rehydrate him overnight, right there in our living room. 

It was during this time that Micah and I got into an argument.  Micah’s stress level was to the breaking point.   I was getting stressed out at work, worrying about Erik, and then coming home to the stressful emotions in the house.  It was wearing on both of us.  We started to yell at one another until I finally walked out of the house.

I walked with my hands in the pockets of my light jacket.  The snow was still on the ground, but Spring Break-up was just around the corner.  I had no idea where I was going.  I just needed to walk.  I found myself at the church steps and decided to go in and sit for a while.  It was late and dark.  I didn’t bother turning on any lights, I did not want anyone to find me.  I walked to the front pew and sat down, tears coming uncontrollably.

“Oh God,” I breathed, “I don’t know what your plans are, but I wish you would do it soon.  I don’t know how much more our family can handle.  Micah is so stressed being cooped up in the house.  And Erik… Erik is getting worse each day.”

I stopped to see if I could hear anything.  Now would be a good time, God, to say something.

“Lord, I know Erik is in your hands.  I just ask that if you are going to heal Erik please do it soon,” I paused trying to find the words to say next, “And Father, if you’re going to take Erik from us please don’t let him suffer any longer.”

I sat in that dark church and cried until no more tears would come.  At this point I didn’t care how Erik was going to walk again, I just wanted it to be soon.  I preferred Erik to be walking with us here on Earth, but I was ready to accept if that was not God’s plan.

“Just be with Micah, whatever you decide, God,” I prayed, “This has been hard for him.  If you take Erik away from us, Micah will not handle it well.  Please, watch over him.  It will crush Micah, Lord, Erik and him are so close.”

 

The next week, Erik was not improving.  Plans were being made to take him into the hospital where the nurses and doctors can monitor him better.  I went to the principal of the school to ask for some days off, so I could spend as much time in town with Erik.

Wednesday, April 9^th, we loaded everyone up in the car to head to the hospital.  Right before Micah came to get Erik, Natasha and I were sitting with him near the couch, Erik looked over at Natasha and signed I love you to her.  I smiled at Erik, and then told Natasha what he said.  She smiled too, but had tears in her eyes.  Micah came in to get Erik, everything else was loaded and ready to go.  Erik laid down in the back seat of the car with his head in my lap.  We buckled him in the best we could to secure him.  We had things to keep Erik entertained and a small overnight bag for Micah and I depending which one of us stays.

Dr. McFarland met us at the hospital and had our car pull into the ambulance bay so they could unload Erik.  He was taken up to a room on the second flour, in the children’s wing.  Once Micah and I had the car parked and unloaded all of Erik’s things we found the room he was in and started to make it more comfortable.  Erik was already hooked up to an IV and all the monitors.

Albert and Barbara came to the hospital to meet us and see about getting some dinner.  Another couple in our church had shown up also.  I decided to stay with Erik, while everyone else went to find something to eat.  Erik was also hungry, so I asked the nurse if there was some Jell-O available for Erik.  The nurse took me to a room where some food trays were kept.  On one of them I found a snack cup size of some Jell-O.  I took it back to Erik and started to feed him.  Erik took two bites and didn’t want anymore.

I asked Erik if he wanted me to read to him, but he shook his head ‘no’.  I turned on the television and tried to find something interesting for him to watch.  I think we finally settled on the news.  I sat in the chair next to the bed and just waited. 

When everyone else showed up again we were trying to decide who was going to stay at the hospital and who was going to head home.  I was going to stay, but Natasha should be taken home and there were some items we had forgot to bring.  My hip was starting to act up on me again and I knew I would be in too much pain by morning.  Micah asked Erik which one he wanted to stay, and Erik pointed to Micah.  It was settled then. 

On the drive home I kept thinking of Erik and praying that God would take care of him.  As I looked over the valley I could see a perfect circle in the sky, the aurora.  I was surprised to see it, but there was no mistaking it.  It was dancing along and then made a circle for a little bit before moving into a strand again.  I smiled to myself.  Thank you, God.

Natasha slept in the bed with me that night.  I did not sleep very well.  I finally around 6:00 a.m. on April 10^th, 2003 Micah called me to wake me up.

“Louie,” Micah said quietly, “You need to get here as soon as you can.”

“Wh…what’s wrong?” I asked drowsily.

“It’s Erik,” Micah broke up, “I didn’t sleep at all.”

“I’ll be right there…” I began.

“Erik is in a coma,” Micah finally said, “he slipped… he slipped into it early this morning,” Micah paused, “Louie, he’s not going to make it.”

“Oh, no.”

“You need to come and say good-bye.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

We hung up the phone and I called Barbara.  She was already awake.  Apparently Micah had called them earlier and Albert was already at the hospital.  I asked Barbara if she wanted to ride with me, but she said she wasn’t feeling good.  I then called my parents and my sister to tell them what was happening.  I didn’t know if I should drive by myself, so I called a friend from the church to see if she could ride in with me.  Within an hour, Natasha, our friend Pat, and myself were heading into Fairbanks to say good-bye to Erik.

 

We arrived in Fairbanks around 9:00 a.m.  I was not for sure what to expect as we rode the elevator up to the second floor and walked towards Erik’s room.  Micah and Albert were sitting in the room.  Micah looked haggard.  I could tell he had not slept at all.  He barely lifted his head as Natasha and I went to Erik’s bedside.

Erik was lying perfectly still and looked very pale.  He had an oxygen mask covering his face, and his eyes remained closed.  I could only hear the steady beep of his heart monitor.  I took hold of Erik’s hand; Natasha on the other side grabbed his other hand.  Together we spoke gently to Erik to let him know we were there and everything was going to be all right.  I noticed tears coming out of the corner of his eyes, but no movement was made.

The nurse was coming in regularly to check on Erik.  They also brought in a tray with coffee and hot tea for us.  Albert and Micah began to talk about different things that have been said.  I tried to listen, but my concentration was on Erik.  I noticed on one of the machines his temperature was being read, and it was pretty high.  It was explained to me that that was normal with the oxygen mask on.  Every now and then the mask was loosened up and his temperature would start to go down.

The counselor for the hospital showed up in the room.  We began to share stories about Erik over the last year.  Natasha and I remained by Erik’s bed.  At one time I think something was mentioned about a birthday cake coming for Erik.  I think it was then that I noticed some Marine Corp pens attached to his garment.  Micah explained that Dr. McFarland’s nurse had put them on Erik.

The alarms sounded on the machines.  My eyes grew big and I looked at Micah, who seemed to know.  A nurse came in to check on Erik, and turned off the alarms.  Erik’s oxygen level was dropping, so his mask was tightened up again.  Over the next couple of hours the alarms started to go off every so often.

Around 10:30 a.m. Barbara showed up.  Ms. Kay had brought her into Fairbanks.  At that point Natasha turned long enough to say hi and went back to holding Erik’s hand.  Kay stepped forward and kissed Erik on the forehead. She then turned to Natasha and asked if she would like to go home with her.  Natasha hesitated, until I told her it would be all right.  I looked at Kay and mouthed thank you.  Natasha did not need to be here any more.  Natasha said good-bye to Erik and told him she loved him, then turned and took Kay’s hand as they left the room.

Albert decided he should take Micah and walk around for a little bit.  Leaving Barbara, Pat, and myself in the room with Erik.  At some point, Pat’s husband showed up to get her, after they stayed for about another half an hour. 

Dr. McFarland showed up with her nurse to bring Erik a birthday cake.  They both sang “Happy Birthday” to him.  After checking out Erik’s vital signs, Dr. McFarland asked me what I would like to happen once Erik stopped breathing.  Would I want him revived, and she explained to me what that would intel.  I shook my head, and told her ‘not to revive him’.  Apparently she had the same conversation with Micah earlier and he gave her the same answer.

The PA from the air force base showed up around that time.  He checked in on Erik and talked with Dr. McFarland.  Then I think somewhere in there Albert and Micah were back in the room.  Dr. McFarland stepped out to make her rounds, but said she would be back.

Then Colonel Lawless showed up, with Sergeant Valdez and First Sergeant Degree.  They were up at one of the other bases for a meeting and decided to swing by to see Erik and the rest of us.  I stayed by Erik’s bed as the room began to fill up with people.  Conversations started up as I held onto Erik’s hand again.  We were approaching noontime.

The alarms sounded off again, I was getting use to them.  Instantly I looked at the monitors and watched as Erik’s heart rate and oxygen dropped some more.  His forehead was burning up with fever.  I think it was this time that the machines were turned off and unplugged because they were starting to go off constantly now.  I moved to the other side of the bed while Dr. McFarland checked Erik out again.  Barbara was standing at the end of the bed, while all the men were together near the door to the room.

 

All the suddenly Erik opened his eyes and began to say something.  Dr. McFarland grabbed hold to help sit him up and her nurse grabbed his other side.  I let go of his hand as I stepped back to give room.  Micah said something and stepped into the hallway with Albert.  I looked at Barbara who was pacing at the end of the bed.  Erik started to gasp for air.  Doctor and nurse worked together to ease Erik and help him the best they could.  I was so overcome that I turned my back and began to cry.  I looked up to see Colonel Lawless, First Sergeant Degree, and Sergeant Valdez at attention holding their salutes. 

Erik’s moaning quieted down and the nurse tapped my shoulder.  I turned to face the bed and Dr. McFarland asked if they were to revive him.

“No,” I shook my head with tears coming down my face, “Let him sleep.”

Dr. McFarland called the time of death.  Colonel Lawless and his two sergeants released their salutes and walked out of the room. 

Silence filled the room.  I could hear Micah and Albert out in the hallway on their phones calling family.  Barbara stayed at the end of Erik’s bed as the doctor and nurses unhooked all the machines.  I sat down in one of the chairs and just watched.  It was all I could do.  No more tears fell.  I watched as Erik’s body lay on the bed. He was so peaceful now.  It was all over and he was in no more pain. 

Micah began packing up all of Erik’s things and taking them to the car.  I don’t know when everyone left, but soon it was just Micah and I in the room.  At some point our friends from Healy showed up and gave us their condolences and paid their respects.  I do not know how long we stayed, but eventually there was no reason for us to be there anymore.  Micah and I gathered our things and we said our final good-byes to Erik before walking out the room.

The ride back to Anderson was quiet.  I had nothing to say.  It was sunny outside, but all I felt was cold.  When we made it back to Anderson we stopped in at Kay’s house to pick up Natasha.  I remember Natasha asking where Erik was and Micah telling her Erik was now with Jesus in heaven.  We gave Kay our thanks for watching Natasha and headed to the house.  I noticed the flags at the school and city building were put at half-staff.  Kay had told us they sent everyone home early from the school when the news of Erik’s death came.

We arrived at our house and found a lady from our church there cleaning up for us.  We thanked her and brought in all our things.  I walked into the bedroom to lay down for a little while, but looked over and saw Erik’s bed.  Micah decided we should go over to Albert and Barbara’s house instead of staying at our house.  We headed over there and tried to lay down there, but sleep was impossible.

No sleep.

No words.

No feelings.

No appetite.

Nothing.

This was sorrow.