From where she was seated on the hill, she could feel the breeze that flew through her hair and moved all around her. The lovely scent of the tall, building-like pine trees created cool shadows, one in which she had made her little observation area. She breathed in slowly, the chilled air filling her lungs and making her insides cold, and then breathed out, the rush of longing and unfulfilled love leaking into the empty spots. What was it that made her yearn to be so far away from civilization right now?
Was it the irritation she felt as she walked down the streets, looking to all her sides, only to see the one thing she couldn't have? Was it the moments in which she could smell him so near to her and feel his presence, only to be let down, realizing it was only his ghost, this everlasting nightmare sent to haunt her? It didn't make sense to her how every tick of the clock on her wall made her miss him more and more and regret the time that she had spent ignoring him, whereas he had been on the ground, begging her to return his feelings. It was the everlasting shame she kept bottled up inside her that made her feel claustrophobic; that suffocating feeling in her that was squeezing out her life.
And, there was that smell again. The one that was just oh so familiar to her. She wanted it to be real. She wanted to be able to close her eyes against the bright light of the sun and enter the cool darkness once more and then open them to find him beside her, as they had been only years ago. She wanted to feel his touch and the static-shock that it would send through her body. She wanted to feel it all. She wanted it to no longer be her imagination running wild. How she longed for it.
She felt a damp sensation against her face and opened her eyes, looking up. The clouds overhead were dark and held the promise of rain and it made her smile. She needed that. She needed to feel the shakes and shivers of a dreamer's delight. She wanted to feel what she missed. She wanted to feel the thrill and excitement of the biting of the bone when she got drenched in the soft liquid.
It began to come down hard now, slowly, but surely drenching her hair and her clothes until she felt herself soaked to the skin. She receded and felt her back hit the moist ground beneath her. She no longer cared about her Sunday clothes and whether they stayed clean anymore. Who would be there to see her, anyways? Who would be there to see the dark brown locks soaked with rain, dripping onto a beautiful light blue, sun dress that let through areas of her dark, moistened skin? Who would be there to see the tears that were now coming in, rolling down her cheeks as she laughed to herself at her own foolishness? Who would care if she didn't return home, and instead, stayed out there all day and all night in her endless intoxication of bittersweet reminiscing?
No one.
She laughed at her own idiocy. She sighed at the overlooked feeling now welling in her stomach, threatening to throw up her heart onto the emerald green grass that now enveloped her entire being. She wanted nothing more but for the hunger in her soul to stop. She felt as if it was eating at whatever control she had left over her body. She knew she would no longer be able to take the pain soon enough. It made her feel scared… Afraid of the memory of him that still had the power to tear her up inside.
The rain was beginning to let up and she felt a bit of emptiness seep back into her body once again. She knew she would miss the rain. It was the only thing of comfort she ever felt these days. Her conversations with herself could no longer suffice or fill the void that her current state of being alone created. The only thing she could think of that even slightly helped her was the thought of where she would go when she was finally dead. She dreamed that she would go to paradise, a place where her every want would be true, and perhaps, she would see him there to. Him, in all his majesty and wonder. Him, the epitome of perfection on earth. All she wanted was one more moment.
She felt the shift in wind that pulled her out of her thoughts and looked up once more. The clouds had moved again. She could see rays of sunlight beaming through the dark beasts that lay above her in a sea of their own world. The space between them wasn't much, but she knew that to reach them, it would take her an eternity. Her feet were so grounded. Her wants were mostly materialistic. She wouldn't be able to continually move through her life. There was always something that pulled her back down to earth. Him. Her dream come true, while at the same time, her eternal nightmare.
There were visions of him and her walking down the street hand in hand as they strolled home after school, both carrying bags full of books that told of their future; The two of them kissing under the moonlight on their one year anniversary, a moment that made all of their hardships worth while. She felt needy. And perhaps, she was.
The rain came to her; steady once more, and much colder than before. It made her teeth chatter, but she didn't mind. She was too trapped in her own fantasy to care that she might freeze to death. The wind floated between the vacant space between her ears, going in one way and coming out the other.
She could feel him again. She could feel his handsome eyes looking at her and she closed her eyes, wishing her imagination to stop fooling with her already broken heart. She wanted it to stop bringing her back to earth. She wanted to be able to run off that cliff and not be afraid of falling to her death. She wanted to be light… To be able to fly off into space and sit amongst the stars where time would stop for her and she could hide for a lifetime away from him.
She could smell that enticing smell and hear his breathing. She wanted to scream out loud at herself… She wanted to go into a state of mind where he wouldn't be able to reach her. She wanted to get away from the ghost of him and be somewhere completely different and experience something completely different from what her heart felt now. It was a shattering feeling. It was a tearing numbness in her chest that gave her pangs of pain. She couldn't take it.
Opening her eyes slowly, she could see blue ones in front of her... They reminded her of the endless sky. What was this? She closed her eyes again. No, it couldn't be. It wouldn't be. Why wouldn't this illusion of him leave her alone? Why couldn't it just leave her be so she could just get over him and be healthy again. If only she could move on and away from him so she could feel sane again. Go away. Please, just go away.
Her eyelids fluttered open once more to survey her surroundings, and it was there again. Those soft blue eyes looking right back into hers. They were handsome and strong, but smooth like the look of a lake after a storm, placid and undisturbed. The hair that blew into his eyes was dirty blonde, almost a brown color due to it being soaked. She had the biggest urge to reach out and touch him; to run her fingers through his hair to make sure he was really there this time. She could remember the smoothness of his cheeks against her rough fingertips. She could remember every touch from him and every warm and loving embrace. Please, just go away.
She closed her eyes once more and felt a warm breath against her face. Fingertips. They were soft against her reddened cheeks, tough from crying so many times because of his absence. She could feel the breath caught in her throat as she felt a tingling feeling on her lips. The same feeling she knew. A kiss. She felt chills running up and down her spine and her heart skipping. The butterflies in her stomach were fluttering around crazily. Her head swooned, and as if knowing, arms reached out and grabbed her and held her tight.
She opened her eyes once more and breathed in the musky smell she knew only too well. What was the moisture she felt against her face? Tears, perhaps… but not from her. She gazed up and saw him. Him in his perfection. Was this real? It felt real. It had to be, right?
"I've missed you," was all she heard and she knew it had to be him. None of her illusions were ever as genuine as this one was; this one vision in front of her that had plagued her for so many nights… For so many stretched seconds in which she had lain in bed, unable to shut her eyes… unable to sleep because of the aching feeling… the emptiness in her head and in her heart that she wanted filled. And now, it was here. The filler. The one who had, at one time, made her dreams come true. It was he.
She felt their lips touch again. It was a thrilling and exciting feeling that draped her body, shrouding her apparent shock in shakes and shivers of a dreamer's delight and a lover's nostalgia. She had missed this. She wanted nothing more than to curl up in his arms and lie there for eternity.
The rain made an icy pitter patter design across her face, blending in with the tears that she now allowed to flow freely, in such a way that she couldn't decipher whether they were out of sadness or joy.
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