The way I loved him

This was written back in Oct '08. I recently found it on my computer, and thought maybe now I'd share since before no one has ever since it.

Today was "the day" I've been hoping I could somehow skip; not have to live threw. I made it, I think. Its not over yet. But he hasn't sent any messages or texts, maybe he forgot, doesn't care, either way it isn't important anymore. I'm still on edge from it, imaging what it should have been. Us texting all day at school, counting the minutes till we could talk, im, sit on the webcams together, being as close as the distance between us would allow. Then we'd tell each other how much we love each other, watch movies on tv together both of us picturing the other one there, cuddled. We'd fall asleep on the phone together, not really different frm any other night, but still completley different, specail. Thats how today should have been. One year. The big anniverary. The one that would have actually counted for something. Instead today was a constant haze. Foggy threw only my eyes. I don't remember my classes, what any of my friends said, whether I've even eaten or not. Not that much of a suprise on the last one, haven't been eating much anyway. I'm sick to my stomach most of the time, with a gaping whole that I can't fill pulsing threw me.

 

These past couple of months without him, I've felt distant, gray. No more sunshine, flowers, rain, only blood. Thats the only color I really make out anymore, when I see it. I made a promise to him, and I've kept it for the most part. The one slip up, was to be expected. Forever a reminder of what was, his name. Not that it will be there for forever, its already healed, and fading. But it was worth a shot. My friends are worried about me, check my arms every couple of days, follow me, watching my every movement. The way I check my phone for texts of his that aren't coming, and cringe when something reminds me of him. Every now and then, and only when I irritate him, my phone will vibrate showing me his picture. His amazing sweet smile and deep blue eyes, from when we were both happy. I don't believe this makes him happy. He says it does. Maybe he just hates me that much, that just talking to me makes him so unhappy his texts ooze the gloom coming from him. Maybe I'm just reading to much into it and I only see my pain.

Pain? I don't know if thats the right word. I am physically in pain from this yes, but that doesn't seem stong enough. Like every part of me has been torn, cut, bruised, broken somehow. Heartbroken I would guess is the better way to describe this. It's worse than anyone ever mentioned, undescribable in words. Literally so bad that I think never meeting him would have been better than feeling this. Sometimes I wish for that, while waiting for the bus before the sun has come up. That we would have never met, I would have never fucked up his life, and I wouldn't be missing this love that was as it looks now ever meant to be. Or if I hadn't have fucked it up, right now I'd be laying down, my phone restng on my ear, or on the bed with the headset wire plugged in. We'd be laughing about something or just talking the night away. A smile across my face, even while yawning. Drifting off to sleep cuddled with my blankets, his voice my lullaby.

I can't sleep again, can't breathe again, can't think without screaming inside my head. I can't handle this anymore. I keep asking myself if this feeling will ever go away. Will I ever love someone like I loved him? Will I ever be IN love with anyone other than him? I can't see myself with anyone else, kissing anyone else, holding hands with anyone else, falling asleep with anyone else, laughing or smiling with anyone but him.

I know I am to blame, completely for this pain. This longing that will never be filled. I pushed him away farther and farther and thought he wouldn't push back, but he did. Thoughts fill my head about me getting on a bus there, going up to his door, and as soon as he answers it, kissing him. The most passionate wonderful perfect kiss that I could ever have, like the ones in the movies, exactly like those. I know I'll never do it, and if by chance I do decide to do it, how would that change anything? Foolish me, wishing for foolish dreams.

I dream about it all the time, space out in the middle of class sometimes, picturing what it would be like to even be in his presence. To feel the warmth of his body, and the feel of our lips together. I image that afterwards we'd talk, working things out, fixing everything that happened between us. That we'd end up back together. Reality though, he'd probably push me off and never speak to me again. Not much different from now other than I'd have made even more of a fool of myself. Throwing myself at a guy who no longer loves me. No longer feels the same that I feel towards him. Its nights like this that I know I will always love him, always be in love with him. And that forever he will always own my heart.

Author's Note

Yes I realize there are spelling and grammer mistakes. This is almost completley un edited from the orginal. And well when I wrote this I was not concernded about the spelling or grammer.