Life Doesn't Give You Lemons

A Chapter by WackyWombat02

In this chapter, Ariel decides to go hunt down her sister. But Anthony, her best friend, doesn't want her to go alone. So he decides to go with her.

Chapter 1

It has been a week since my sister got kidnapped. The police officers are still under investigation, but I really doubt they will find her. The guy who kidnapped her is smart. So in order to find her, we will need someone smarter. I keep trying to tell myself she is not dead, but there is no doubt In my mind she isn't. Anthony has been taking care of me since this incident happened.

The bell rings for lunch. I get up, and walk to the cafeteria. The line moves quickly. By the time I'm second in line, someone puts their hands on my shoulders. I turn around and see Anthony. "You okay," he says. "Same old, same old."

"Here, I'll buy your lunch." I put my hand on my waist, and say," You don't have to, you know that, right?" He smiles and says," It will be my pleasure." He asks me," what would you like?"

"Just a salad, please." He goes over to the line with the salad. He walks back, and hands me my salad. "Thank you," I say. "You're very welcome."

He grabs my arm, and takes me to a lunch table. I set my salad down, and say," do you think she is still alive?" He looks nervous now. "Yes, I do." I smile and open the salad container. I grab a fork, and eat my salad. "You know, that if you need to talk to someone about all of this, I'm here. I will always be here for you."

"Thanks," is all I manage to say. He sighs. I look at my feet, and say" I think I'm going to go search for her. He stares at me in disbelief for a few minutes before saying," you are kidding, right."

"No, I am being absolutely serious." He shakes his head and says," You are not going. The police are already searching for her. There is no way I am going to let you go." I get up from the table, and walk to the bathroom.

Who does he think he is, telling me what I can and can't do. He is not my boss. I will do what I want, when ever I want, and how ever I want. Even if he approves or not.

© 2014 WackyWombat02

My Review

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Reviews

A. L. Allen

Hello there! I was wandering around the site, and found this piece of writing. It brought back memories of one of my earliest attempts at a novel, and I thought I should give it a review. Hope you don't mind. :)

I think you have an interesting story building up here. I'm curious to see what adventures your character will go through in order to find her sister. I'm sure you have some great ideas in store! Post more soon! I would like to see where you take this. :)

With every review, I like to give advice and tips that I've picked up along the way. Please, take some of them with a grain of salt, since I am in no way a perfect writer. However, I do hope you find them helpful. :)

In your first paragraph, there are a few minor mistakes that I found. Instead of 'got kidnapped', I would put 'WAS kidnapped'. It helps the flow of the sentence. Also, you say that 'the police officers are under investigation'. Are they the ones that are suspected of kidnapping the sister? Usually, when someone is under investigation, they are being asked questions and tested for possible guilt. I think what you were going for is that the police officers are still INVESTIGATING. :)

When you said that the kidnapper was smart, I found that interesting. I was hoping for more explanation, but you kept right on going. Elaborate on the kidnapper. How does the main character know he/she is smart? What makes them smart? What do they do that shows that they are smart? As an author, it is your job to create the characters for the readers through their actions and reactions. Readers are often lazy, and don't want to have to do that work by themselves through guessing (I can only say that because I'm a lazy reader, too. I love a story that takes me by the hand and doesn't leave anything unexplained). ;)

Your formatting needs a little fixing. Each time a new character speaks, that should become its own paragraph. It helps readers keep better track of who is talking. Right now, I get your main character and Anthony confused when they have a conversation, because it's all been squeezed into one paragraph. Sperating the dialogue will help the flow of the story, and also makes your chapter look longer. ;)

One last thing before I go: Who is your main character?? I understand that it is the person telling us the story, but there is no mention of a name, age, or gender at all in the chapter! I know that your lttle chapter description hes Ariel's name, but, if you want to get this published, those chapter descriptions aren't going to be in the finished product. You have to make sure that all of your information is in the actual story. The simplest way to insert this is to have Anthony say her name while he's talking to her, such as "Hi, Ariel. How are you doing?" Super simple. :) It answers the name and gender questions, and you can give clues for her age later.

All-in-all, this was a good piece of writing, especially considering your age. Keep up the good work! I want to see where you go from here! :D

-A. L.

Posted 10 Years Ago

I think you have an interesting story building up here. I'm curious to see what adventures your character will go through in order to find her sister. I'm sure you have some great ideas in store! Post more soon! I would like to see where you take this. :)

With every review, I like to give advice and tips that I've picked up along the way. Please, take some of them with a grain of salt, since I am in no way a perfect writer. However, I do hope you find them helpful. :)

In your first paragraph, there are a few minor mistakes that I found. Instead of 'got kidnapped', I would put 'WAS kidnapped'. It helps the flow of the sentence. Also, you say that 'the police officers are under investigation'. Are they the ones that are suspected of kidnapping the sister? Usually, when someone is under investigation, they are being asked questions and tested for possible guilt. I think what you were going for is that the police officers are still INVESTIGATING. :)

When you said that the kidnapper was smart, I found that interesting. I was hoping for more explanation, but you kept right on going. Elaborate on the kidnapper. How does the main character know he/she is smart? What makes them smart? What do they do that shows that they are smart? As an author, it is your job to create the characters for the readers through their actions and reactions. Readers are often lazy, and don't want to have to do that work by themselves through guessing (I can only say that because I'm a lazy reader, too. I love a story that takes me by the hand and doesn't leave anything unexplained). ;)

Your formatting needs a little fixing. Each time a new character speaks, that should become its own paragraph. It helps readers keep better track of who is talking. Right now, I get your main character and Anthony confused when they have a conversation, because it's all been squeezed into one paragraph. Sperating the dialogue will help the flow of the story, and also makes your chapter look longer. ;)

One last thing before I go: Who is your main character?? I understand that it is the person telling us the story, but there is no mention of a name, age, or gender at all in the chapter! I know that your lttle chapter description hes Ariel's name, but, if you want to get this published, those chapter descriptions aren't going to be in the finished product. You have to make sure that all of your information is in the actual story. The simplest way to insert this is to have Anthony say her name while he's talking to her, such as "Hi, Ariel. How are you doing?" Super simple. :) It answers the name and gender questions, and you can give clues for her age later.

All-in-all, this was a good piece of writing, especially considering your age. Keep up the good work! I want to see where you go from here! :D

-A. L.

Rating /100