Who Is My Friend?

Suicidal thoughts are one of the worst things to legitimately go through. And, often enough, people will walk away. Unless you ask for them to stay. That was my mistake. I never asked.

With those promises broken

Much like my heart

I gotta end the pain now 

And pray it wont restart

I know the numbness wont come

No matter how many years

The pain is more terrorizing 

Than any of my fears

And I can't escape it

Because it is following me around

Inside this well of darkness

Where no hope can be found

And people tell me to look up!

It's so much easier for them to say

They arn't so broken

That you can't see which way

Is up, down, left, or right

God damn, it's confusing!

No matter which way I go

I know I will always end up loosing!

That's it! I'm done!

I've been shattered into pieces! 

I'm finished, demolished!

This life has no more reasons

To stay alive anymore

No one would cry

My "friends"? Sure they care

But apparently, not enough to try

Which one of you texted?

Which one made sure?

I wasn't spinning down this tunnel

So fast my vision blurred

I can't see straight anymore

I feel like my head hit the floor

And NO ONE came to my side

To stop me from enduring more

Of this pain inside

I feel so alone

My heart feels so cold 

It must have turned to stone.

But it still beats on

Stone cold blood through my veins

More tears seem to fall from my eyes

Than the sky when it rains

And it's pouring inside my mind

There is never sun, just rain

And what makes it even worse

Is that no one tried to take the pain

Away

And ya sure

You all asked "are you okay?"

"Need a hug? I'm sorry"

LIKE IT WAS A F*CKING GAME

And I said 

"I'm fine, I'll get better someday"

So you said okay

And then walked away

Who stayed behind? 

And made sure I wasn't lying?

Isn't that what friends do?

To MAKE SURE their friends ain't dying?

To stay? To say hey?

"You ain't doing okay.

I know you too well

We should hang later today!"

Do none of you know me well enough?

I wouldn't be surprised

I can see it in that unfocused

Gaze in your eyes

Of short, genuine concern

For my well being

Then say "he will get better

It is a temporary feeling."

Well it don't feel that way

And I need someone now

I try to ask people 

But I can't figure out how

So I accept that you will all walk away

Shut my eyes, fight back this pain

Build up walls for the suffering 

Break them down when I'm alone so I don't feel the shame

So I guess I will go on

Suck it up, keep up this trick

And if by chance I'm gone tomorrow 

Well... I'm sorry to my loved ones who read this.

Reviews

[Phill Oz O'fee]

Heart retching poetically poignant description of when our issues overwhelm us! You're not alone; many of us have had suicidal thoughts at some point in our lives. Feeling suicidal is not a character defect, and it doesn't mean that you are crazy, or weak, or flawed. It only means that you have more pain than you can cope with.

This pain seems overwhelming and permanent at the moment, but with time and support, you can overcome your problems and the pain and suicidal feelings will pass. And as your write highlights, the feelings of isolation because it appears friends do not seem to care or understand are sometimes because they just don’t know how to handle your situation.

If you do not feel the person you have chosen to talk to has understood, tell someone else, or call a suicide crisis helpline. There are plenty of people out there who will understand. Don’t let one bad experience stop you from finding someone who can help.

I'm thankful and humbled that I was drawn to read your piece; bless you my friend!

[Muse]

what does not kill us can only make us stronger. This struggle you write about...it does not make you and I...or anybody special. We all fight an inner war...you must find your own inspiration to live. You cannot find this release in death. We live...even after death...we must choose our destiny wisely because suicide is against any and all karma. You might come back as a rock...you will be forced to stand still...watch others live as you go nowhere for eternity.