Something More Than Words

This is the best and worst of me.

And sometimes the inspiration comes from the shadows in the heart and the cherry blossoms upon the bed..

“Something More Than Words”

There’s a shadow in my doorway

An echo within my heart

It sings a sweet and soulful melody

That reminds me of the days 

When I was your everything

As everything was always

And always was falling apart

The road that lines our fabled past

Leads to such a powerful 

And intensely painful

Bliss that only you and I

Will ever understand

While written words

Oh, our precious scripted friends

They never shall do us justice, no

As words are beyond its grasp

So too are you for me

An exotic feather falling gently

To the plush, rolling grass

With a slight gust you loop

Almost playfully

And so very teasingly

Just beyond my worn

Desperate hands

Winter was always my weakness

Her hands so soft, so delicate

Chilled to the very touch

Which only made me long to hold them

With so much more than heat’s intent

Gently rubbing the warmth into

Those slender fingers

That can untie me as easily

As that sexy, crooked smile

Bound me at every glance

Oh, I long to experience this season

Embracing the silky tendrils 

Those precious few wisps of forest green 

Amongst honeycombed strands of pulling hair

Dragging nails of amber and pleasure

Across the snow-covered floor

We would mistake for a bed

And explore every snowflake fallen

Until we are impossible to distinguish

From the words we pen in our hearts

Placed on papers devoted to yes

As if somehow these sonnets

These pages might convey

Might somehow give us these days

As we had everyday

It was the nights we never once 

Were allowed to kiss

Winter is my favored lover

A figure and an illustration

Something more than words

More than life and love

As permanent as death

It is a special kind of desire

A white-hot wrought iron yearning

That rumbles with every 

Haggard and desperate 

Fingertips dragging across rib-cage

Kind of gasping breath

© Brian Milici

December 18, 2012

Feedback adored.

May you always find your smile.

Author's Note

I wrote this for the person who has inspired more of my writing than anyone else.

Reviews

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

I love the third and fourth stanza.
Lucky is the person who you wrote it for and represented here.
Amazing images of the season you tell us a story about with the love
you had and experienced in the winter.

[Brian]

Thanks so much, Josie! I truly appreciate it. She's actually the person that showed me this site like seven years ago. I used to write on a place called OpenDiary, but once it closed down I've been looking for a new home to write. I remembered this place, so here I am. :)

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

Nice to read your writing. :)

[Brian]

Thanks! I'll probably throw more of it up here. I have way too much of it, haha.

Which hopefully is a good thing. What prompted you to start writing?

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

One of my instructors suggested I change my major after reading my writing in her class. I had explored writing in the past, and another teacher commented on my writing as being well done. However, back when I was studying art and photography, I didn't do well at all in composition writing and communications, so I doubted myself in this area.
Writing became a healing process for me and outlet in 2011. Poetry became very important to me in my healing process. I used this for my senior project for my B.A. in creative writing.

[Brian]

Oh, sweet, so you're like all certified as an awesome writer now as well? :)

I can see how creative you could be with a lens in the way you write, actually. It kind of makes sense. Sometimes when I read something it just feels like I'm, well, just reading words. I got a distinct artistry image when I was reading your work. Fascinating that.

What was the healing process that you were going through in 2011 if I may ask? Totally understand if you prefer to keep your privacy though. :)

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

I was working through an abusive situation and recovering from an attack to my person. I have been in two abusive marriages. The last one became very physical where the first one was mostly threats and emotional abuse. I am still trying to grasp how my own judgment of character factors into my choices in life. Sometimes, I think that I am too trusting and I want to believe in people. Often, my belief that people are for the most part good is proven wrong. Often, people let me down. However, I am often misunderstood, too.

[Brian]

Hmmm. What to ask.. I have so many questions. I hope you are okay with that, Josie. I can't imagine what losing one marriage must be and the thought of another and both with abuse.. gah.

I'd love a few minutes alone with guys that do that.. it angers me so.

How are you misunderstood, do you think?

Best wishes, darling.

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

The most sad part is losing my children to my first husband due to his brainwashing. I have three daughters with the same man. Two of my daughters he has turned against me because I seek to better myself through education. It is a heart breaking situation for me. His empty promises have stolen my youngest--a girl that would not be here if I had not stood up for him. He demanded that I terminate my last daughter before she was born. I didn't because I loved her before she was born. Now, he promises her the best car as long as she doesn't have anything to do with me. I raised this girl by myself the first 16 yrs of life. Now, he wants her. This is a repeat performance for him. He did this with my second daughter the only one speaking to me now. I had a restraining order against him and I let it lapse. I tried to be civil and on speaking terms with him for my girls, and this is where I end up. This started in 2010 and in 2015 he has took another one from me. The oldest is bi polar and he lives with her and off of her. She is supporting him because I refuse to have anything to do with him. He is crazy and controlling. I hate that I let him into my life again, but what do you do when he is the father of your children? He has torn the family apart again for the second time, but blames me. I am misunderstood because when I try to protect my children or defend myself--I am the bad person. It is unfair and not justified.

[Brian]

Well. Well, damn. That's heavy, as it was said in Back To The Future. Marty was a wise one..

Okay, perhaps that won't elicit a smile.

Seriously, that's obviously beyond messed up. I wish I could offer you something. Not comfort -- there is no comforting such depths of betrayal and brutality, but I would love to do something to assuage even the slightest hint of agony from you.

You are strong for not only enduring it, but for being here and bettering yourself.

Josie, I may very well know little about you, but the fighting spirit and the want for simply doing the right thing.. is universal.

What also, and so despairingly sad, is that the conniving and manipulative is also universal as a trait and a form of.. living.

You have done all that you can. I trust in that. Trust in you. So when you lay your head to rest tonight on pillow or pavement just remember that. Recall that you fought, you still fight, and you love those girls with every breath and every step you take and make.

I was raised by a single mother of 3 boys and I promise you, had she stayed and let my biological father be a part of my life?

I'd be a terrible person. Far less than who I strive to be each and every single day.

She is my hero for that.

I hope your daughters learn of your love, sacrifice, and your just wants for them..

Because that is what you deserve.

Their love and reciprocity.

Nothing more and certainly nothing less.

*hugs*

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

I believe what you say is true of your mother. Believe me when I tell you it takes a strong person to leave an abusive relationship and to try to do everything on your own. I found out not long ago that my father wasn't the person I thought he was because he cheated on my mom. She stayed with him and she is still with him. I think it takes a strong person to stay too. But, I find myself wondering what my life would have been had she left him. My dad and I often clash on many subjects. I do love him, but I don't share his beliefs and many times his comments cut me to the core. My mom is a loving and caring person. She deserved better. These decisions are compounded when children are involved. However, I know that I probably have a half sister out there that I will not know personally. She exists, I am told. But, to act on looking for her would hurt my mom and I would not do that to her. Being parent sometimes is very hard because you can't be your child's friend. You have to do what is best for them. Often at the time, they don't agree with you and they hate you for it. I like to let my children be free range at a certain age because it teaches them to think and use their own brain. It gives them independence and accountability. That doesn't mean I let them do whatever. They still have to follow rules and check in with me. But, they can function on their own to a certain extent.

[Brian]

Honestly? I read this and I have a sadness within me. I think you've done the very best for your children. I mean that deeply and truly. I just am saddened that, well, this is what is the best for them. These girls deserve a good and competent father, and instead you're forced to be both a mother and a father. No, you're so right. You can't be the friend, but that must hurt you so deeply. I empathize with that. You have given everything, and then even still you gave more..

I hope they understand someday and kiss you softly with recognition.

You deserve it.

And so much more.

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

Thanks, right now it is day to day process. Fighting to keep my rights with my youngest and trying to repair damaged relations with the other one that refuses to meet me half way because she believes it is totally my fault. The worst part is now I can't see my grandson. She keeps him from me out of hate for me. He is a miracle baby after two failed pregnancies. I was by her side all last year helping her get through it this time around. Devoting myself to her caused the loss I have now with my own daughter. Jealousy causes a lot of problems in life.

[Brian]

Damn. Seriously?

So you not only sacrifice for your daughter's child, but it not only costs you her and the grandson (thank you, higher power!!) but at the same time the other daughter you adore?

Ugh.

That both saddens me completely but angers me wholly.

Life can be so completely lacking in justice.. :(

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

Yes, it is so damn depressing at times. I sat with her at the hospital and attended to her--answered every request. She was fine until a week to the date, my second daughter gave birth to my sweet granddaughter. Then, the jealousy kicked in, and she tried to come between us. My granddaughter is a blessing. She has some medical issues we are dealing with now. I hope she grows out of these problems. Her stamina is so amazing. She truly is unique and I love her dearly. What the whole situation boils down to in end is MONEY. I paid for my oldest daughter's down payment on her house, and when I refused her more money she turned against me. I am not well off at all. I didn't really have the money to give in the first place. But, she wanted what she called her dream house, so I helped her. She suppose to pay me back, and she hasn't did it. So, I refused to loan her more money last year in November. After that is when everything really went south. She became abusive when she talked to me, so I had to defend myself eventually. I have tried to reach her since, but she is set in her ways and unbendable. Part of this is because of her father and he is living with her in the house that I helped her buy. I told her if she needed more money to get it from him or the father of her child that also lives there.

[Brian]

Well, yeah, hell yeah. You should have done exactly that! What was her response?!

Let me guess.. unless you're a source of material acquisition she's not interested..?

Sometimes people place themselves above all else.

Hell, not sometimes.

MOST times..

So her house and her plush lifestyle matters more than her mother in her life?

Ugh..

My stomach turns.

I hope she finds the right way.

I hope she learns and heeds the lesson..

I just wish you were able to live out life happily with those you love..

And a grandmother? Psh.

I call fallacy. You're a lovely woman. I can't imagine you that. Then again, I'm weird. lol.

Best wishes, Josie.

Truly.

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

That is exactly what she said and did! No money, then guess what--no relationship and I'll destroy your life on top of it. She gets cosmetic surgery that she doesn't need, but she can't pay her own bills. Living above her means, but I should take up the slack. I make about half of what she does in a year--if that. She actually got mad when I said the guy living with her should pay for it! I was floored. Thanks for your input.

[Brian]

Whoa. Truly, what do you think possesses her to feel, act, and disparage you in such a way? Clearly it isn't simply directed at you, but this appears to be something she clings to.. an underlying quality or lack thereof to her character and she chooses instead of owning it to drop it at your feet.. Why is she this way? *sighs*

Family can be so wonderful.

It can also be root for such wicked seeds.

Smile, Josie, you're a beautiful person.

And the world is better for it.

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

I would say that it is her father's influence on her. He is an evil person by nature, and he very good at hiding it from the public's eye. A faker and not to be trusted. I learned this too late. He will pretend to be what you want and desire to trap you.

[Brian]

That's sad that such people exist, and it's downright terrifying that such people can hide it for so long. I can relate to a certain degree with some people I've had in my past. You trust in them, and they show you something for so long you really believe it. Believe in them. Then they turn.. and they allow you to see the cracks and then finally they take off the mask entirely. And they try to break you.

I am glad you are strong enough to power past that, Josie. Best wishes, dear!

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

Thanks! :) Striving for perfection is a long bumpy road and I had a great day today with little Quinn my grandbaby. She is so sweet and loving. Then I received a perfect 100 for the semester in my Studies of the Craft class, so life is good in some small ways if you keep trying to be positive.

[Brian]

Aww, how you are a grandmother with that smile, that soul, that spirit and compassion.. I don't know. One of the great mysteries of life! I'm enthused you got a perfect score on your Studies of the Craft as well! Life is beautiful, as are you, dear Josie. I'm thrilled. :)

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

YES! That score made my day! So amazing after staying up so late last night finishing the final revision of a long piece in progress. Wonderful feeling when it pays off!

[Brian]

*highfives*

It sounds like you certainly have worked hard to get what you have gotten, and I can't think of one more deserving. Happy for you. :)

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

Thanks!
:)